Hardest Words To Say
by brookesdavis
Summary: It's a four lettered word that she's always had trouble saying. But there's something about him that makes it so goddamn easy. [A series of one-shots where Erin confesses her love for Jay Halstead.]
1. We Were Made To Collide

**Hey there! Well, I'm back; I just can't stay away from this ship, I guess. I know the last thing I should be doing is starting another story right now, but this has been eating away at me for weeks now and I need to get it out.**

 **I feel like I want to bore you with a little backstory first, though: I'm such a die hard lover of angst that I'm in Chicago PD hell and Chicago PD paradise right now. I'll never be over what happened to Nadia but Sophia's acting is so incredible and I love how Erin's spiral is playing out. The only thing that would make it better would be, obviously a tad more linstead in this mix. Anyway, with how depressing everything has been for us shippers lately, I wanted to do something more on the fun side.**

 **As much as I will cry and sob and break down at Jay's love declaration which, when it inevitably occurs, will be charming and sweet and every good quality that he embodies, I'm actually a lot more interested in how Erin's 'I Love You' will play out. She's so guarded and desperate to keep people at arms length that I thought it would be a good challenge to write a series of scenarios in which Erin confesses her love for her partner. I just hope these aren't too OOC at times and can be conceived as actual potential occurrences.**

 **I have a few angsty ones ready to go but I thought I'd start with a total fluffball, since I think we could all use a pick-me-up right about now.**

 **Songspiration goes to Phillip Larue's 'Found'.**

 **I hope you enjoy this one!**

* * *

"When you invited me over for a game of scrabble…" Jay's voice trails off as he narrows his eyes at the tiles in front of him, struggling to form a word. "This isn't exactly what I had in mind."

Erin eyes him from across the board, a thin smile veiling across her lips as she takes a sip from her wine glass.

"You're just bitter 'cos you're losing."

"Am not."

"Board speaks for itself, Halstead."

To his dismay, his partner's right. Despite Jay's efforts, Erin's words have been adventurous high scorers, while he's stuck with basic four lettered ones.

"Cut me some slack; I didn't know I needed a thinking cap for tonight."

"Somethin' else on your mind?" Erin inquires, feigning curiosity. As she speaks, she leans forward, shuffling her low-cut shirt even further down and flashing a mischievous grin. She takes another sip from her glass while Jay whines from across the board.

"You're killing me, you know that?"

Lindsay lets out a low laugh before making her word. She knows exactly what effect she has on him.

* * *

"In your own time, Jay…"

"Give me a second."

Jay looks at the tiles in front of him. Erin has an outrageous lead and honestly, he's getting overwhelmingly tired.

He rubs his hand across his jaw and nervously makes a play.

"S. U. P. P. O. S. A. B. L. Y." He dishes out the tiles as he speaks, under his partner's watchful glare full of scrutiny.

Erin lets out a light laugh when he's finished. "Nice try, genius. Not a word."

With an eye roll, Jay relinquishes out another groan; not his first of the night. Unfortunately for him, it's not the kind of groan he was expecting to let out when making his way over to her house that evening.

"Can't you just let that one slide? Come on," He urges, leaning forward. "Throw me a few pity points."

Her smile is broad, despite her efforts. And with a soft eye roll she chooses to note down his pity points.

"You're lucky I love you. But for future reference, 'supposedly' would be a safer bet." She says with a smile, unaware of the words that slip her lips.

"You love me?" Jay mumbles softly, disbelief flooding through him. He watches Erin, the way she flicks her head up, the instant recognition in her face of what she's said. He then watches her face relax slightly, deciding to play it cool.

"What?" She doesn't make eye contact, instead focusing far too intently on the tiles in front of her.

"You just said you loved me." He says, crossing his arms and a grin of smugness consuming his face.

"So?"

"So, that's the first time you've said that."

She scrunches her face up, hoping to god she isn't blushing.

"No it isn't."

"Trust me, it is."

"Big deal, you've said it before."

"No I haven't."

She's definitely blushing now. Her palms are sweating; had she really just told him she'd loved him? She's never told anyone that before. Well, never meant it anyway.

She takes a final gulp from her wine.

"I can't believe you love me."

"You're still on that?"

She looks to his face, the grin expanding across his lips and his eyes wide and joyful. Creases across his forehead form in his laughter. Yeah. She loves him.

"You're never letting this go, huh?" She asks, trying her hardest not to smile.

"Nuh-huh." He shakes his head, pretty sure this was never leaving his memory.

"Well, what if I said we call this a draw…" She slowly brings herself to her feet, watching his eyes follow her body with childlike enthusiasm. Her hands find the hem of her shirt and slowly bring it over her head, tossing it to the side. With her eyes deep in his, her fingers go for the button on her jeans.

She continues with a rasp in her voice that makes him shiver. "…And move onto your version of scrabble?"

She barely pops the button on her jeans before Jay is up and on her, hoisting her over his shoulder and carrying her away, doing a best to conceal a hearty chuckle.

* * *

She wakes up with a full heart and Jay's warm body next to her. She's never been a snuggler, but there's something comforting about tucking herself into his side through the night. She looks over to him, and feels a smile unfold across her lips at the sight.

7 AM sunlight snakes through the blinds and lights up the freckles on his face. His hair is morning mess, and she barely resists the urge to run her hands through it.

Erin slips from the bed quietly in an attempt to keep him sleeping and exits the room, needing a glass of water. After retrieving the much needed drink, she passes the couch and the scrabble board on the table. Something catches her eye.

All the pieces had been put back apart from several tiles, spaced out and smiling up at her.

 _ **'I LOVE YOU TOO'**_

In that moment she feels her heart soar, and wonders if she's ever been that happy. Staring at the message a second longer, Erin returns to her room and slips back into her bed. Her home.

She shuffles down back into his side. Gently and slowly, his forehead creases and he opens one eye at her. He closes it and let out a smile. His face snuggles against hers.

With her nose against his cheek and her legs tangled in his, Erin whispers to Jay. "So we're just a couple of idiots in love, huh?"

And she feels his smile in every crevice of her body. She feels her soul burn and her heart vibrate against her ribcage.

He lets out a low laugh and she feels his body shake slightly against hers.

"Supposably."

* * *

 **Yay for cute linstead scenes that we never got but, hopefully, will get plenty of when these two dorks get back together!**

 **If you have a spare second please drop a review, I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

 **Exams are almost over, and I will surely spend my summer writing. Updates are coming, people!**


	2. Say You'll Come And Rescue Me

**Thank you for the response for the first chapter, it's been phenomenal!**

 **I hope you enjoy this one, it's set sometime Erin and Jay are together and I totally dig this angsty stuff. The song in my head during this was Never Get To Heaven by Sarah Blaine, I think you should check it out if you haven't already.**

 **As usual I don't own anything, and I'm sorry for any grammatical errors.**

* * *

Jay races down the back alley, sprinting with burning feelings in his calves and breathlessness in his lungs. Garnett remains only meters in front of him and Halstead can already picture slapping the cuffs on the scumbag.

At the last minute, Garnett takes a sharp right down another side street. Jay follows, hearing distant words in his earpiece. He jumps a trash can, then another. Garnett begins gaining some distance now and Jay can feel himself getting frustrated.

He kicks it up a notch and feels a pain in his legs kick in; it's going to kill in the morning. But there's no way he's letting this guy go.

Garnett proves relentless in his stride and veers the detective towards an abandoned house.

"Halstead, where the hell are you?" Voight's voice echoes in Jay's ear, but he's barely getting enough oxygen to breathe, let alone give the low down of his location.

He follows his perp, hesitance creeping into his run as he watches Garnett race inside the house. Partially burnt and broken, the building looks as though it is on the verge of collapse.

"Jay?!" Erin's voice comes now, and Jay breaks into a soft run as he nears the house. He retrieves the gun from its holster and holds it steady in front of him.

"I've got eyes on you, hold back." Erin continues. Jay can hear the breathlessness in her voice; she's running after him.

He creeps further still, his walk cautious and steady.

"I'm a minute away, Halstead. Hold back."

Jay flicks the creaking door open, both hands returning to his gun. He takes a step into the threshold and feels the blood pounding in his ears.

Hank's voice returns. "Wait for backup, Halstead. Do not engage."

But Jay isn't thinking straight. All he can see is the bloody corpses of Garnett's victims. All he can hear is the screams of desperation.

He takes a left, slow and steady. He kicks another door open and surveys the room with speed. Clear.

He entreats further, sweat gathering in his palms as he finds the stairwell. It's quiet and Jay can feel his heart hammering into his chest.

"Jay, I'm-"

He doesn't hear the end to his partner's sentence. Instead, he hears his own groan as he's pushed into the bannister and feels a blinding pain as he's thrown to the ground. The gun springs from his grasp. Halstead reacts quickly, rolling to the side and kicking at his perp's ankles. Garett goes down swiftly, and the two battle viciously on the floorboards of the broken home.

The gun lays before them both, begging to be reached. Punches pummel Jay's side and he attempts to fend off the attack, crawling towards his artillery.

Garret's fast, though. And Halstead doesn't see it coming.

Kicking the detective and scrambling to his feet, Tony Garrett holds Jay Halstead's gun and points it forward, his hand unwavering.

Jay's breath slows, his vision blurry. He feels his chest rise and fall and watches the anger in Garrett's eyes. This is it.

He opens his mouth to talk his way out of it; something that he's received dozens of training seminars on. But his throat's hoarse, and his eyes are on the finger seconds away from the trigger.

When taking what he thinks might be his final breath, Jay's body shakes as Garrett falls lifelessly before him. The gunshot echoes through his mind.

Everything comes into focus at once, and there, standing in the doorway, heroic and noble; Erin Lindsay. Her eyes are ablaze, the hand holding the gun shaking like crazy.

Neither can find words, and even as the rest of their team pile in, Jay still can't convince himself to take another breath.

* * *

He goes straight to the locker room, throwing the door open and storming past the benches. His fists clench and unclench as he attempts to control his breathing. With gritted teeth, Jay lands a punch against the steel of the lockers, feeling the anger storm from within. He's got Hank's patronising words in his head and Dawson's look of disappointment. None of them seem to understand.

* * *

Erin is furious. They arrive back at the district but Jay storms from her reach before she has a chance to utter his name. Instead, Voight's behind her, muttering something about her partner's actions and the irresponsibility of it all. But she already knows that; she doesn't need Hank to remind her.

She brushes off Voight's words and with a mind of clouded thoughts, follows her partner. She strides into the locker room and sees him against the lockers, hands outstretched and head down. His breathing is heavy.

He turns when she enters, a look of exhaustion at her presence.

"Save it, alright?" He mutters, clearly wanting to avoid a lecture.

"No, we're gonna talk about this." Erin responds, voice unwavering. She takes a step further and folds her arms across her chest. "Do you have any idea how unbelievably stupid that was?"

"I was doing my job."

"Your job," She starts, barely letting him finish his sentence. "Is to call for backup when you need it. Your job is to wait for backup."

"And let him get away?" Jay bites back, turning fully towards Erin. "The guy's got a body count of seven and he's already slipped through the system twice. I wasn't gonna just let him run again."

"He was holding your gun. He was pointing it at you. A second later, and-"

"That's the risk of the job." He barks back, his face contorted in frustration. "This is what we do, Erin. Why is this suddenly a big deal to you?"

"Because I love you!" It rolls off her tongue like it had been there forever, just waiting to be spoken. Like they were the only words in the English language. Like they were as easy to speak as breathing.

His frustration melts away in that single second, her words hitting him like a ton of bricks. He watches her breathe, taking in what she'd said. Her brow scrunches slightly and her jaw becomes tense.

With a exhalation and empty laugh, she continues. "I'm in love with you. And that means that you could be running into a burning building that's crumbling to the ground, and I'd sure as hell run in after you without a second thought."

She takes a step forward. "It means that when you do something reckless like that, you break something inside of me."

He still doesn't know what to say. Erin Lindsay is in love with him.

"You don't get to be reckless anymore. It's not fair."

Jay takes a step forward, feeling all the pain and anger and frustration of the day evaporate between them.

"Okay." He nods. In that moment he vows to end his recklessness, as best as he can, anyway. Because now he isn't only protecting him for himself, he's doing it for her.

She closes the distance between them, her hands finding the sides of his neck and pulling their foreheads together. With a deep breath, she sighs out all her worries.

"Wait for me next time, okay?" She whispers. He nods in response before pulling her close, hands locked around her back as hers enclose around his shoulders.

He feels their heartbeats sync up and holds on a little tighter as each second passes. She's in love with him, and he's sure has hell in love with her.


	3. It's All Gone Black But You're All I See

**Chapter Three here we are!**

 **This one's set during Erin and Jay's cooling off period. As a side note, I want to apologise for the potential alternate tenses in each chapter - I had a bunch pre-written in past tense that I'm uploading, but I'm also writing some in between in present tense. I hope it won't be too much of an issue but I just wanted to address it.**

 **Anyway, song inspiration is from Mat Kearney's All I Need. I hope you like this one.**

* * *

Bullets were flying and Erin's body was seriously starting to succumb to the tire. She ducked behind a crate and regained her breath, all the while a continuous fighting ensued in the warehouse.

She could hear her own heart thudding and the blood pounding in her ears.

She leaned to the right to get a clear visual and fired a clean three shots, none of which she was sure hit their targets. They were dealing with professionals here; it wasn't going to be easy to take them down.

After firing another shot, Erin's eyes flickered to the briefest of seconds to the back wall, her gaze landing on a fire exit. That was their way out.

Her eyes then went to the rest of their unit, wavering in the midst of action but still managing to hold their own. Vought and Dawson were further in front, and she could see it in Voight's face. They were flagging. They needed to end this soon.

Erin sprinted to a crate further down, feeling a bullet skim her body. A sigh of relief washed over her as she took cover. She quickly leaned to the left, fired a quick bullet.

She licked her lower lip and felt her heart thudding. She needed him.

A few crates down was her backup, her partner. Him.

Erin continued her sprint, this time slicing through the air with lightning speed. Out of breath and with shaking limbs, Erin's body crumbled behind the crate next to Halstead's.

Her breathing was thick, and she was propped against her cover.

"I. Need. To. Tell you something." She managed in between panting breaths. She was desperate and devoted.

Jay looked quickly to his partner, eyes skimming her face and relief flooding through him when he observed she was relatively okay.

"Now?!" He questioned, hands quickly reloading his sidearm.

She gulped, the breath slowly being brought back to her lungs.

"This can't really wait."

A bullet fired in the space between them and Erin shook. If anything, the bullet sped her words along.

"I love you."

Jay stopped for a second, all bullets floating through the air and all shots echoing around him.

"I didn't know how to tell you before," She went on, eyes so deep in his he thought he might never be able to look away. "But now seems a good a time as any."

Everything he had ever felt for her came rushing through his body in one euphoric buzz, but his lips refused to move. A bullet hit the crate and caused a reverberation in his entire body, but he didn't feel it. He didn't feel any of it.

"I'm done cooling this off, I can't do it anymore. I don't want to. So when we make it out of here, please, let's give this another try. Because I love you."

And in that moment, Jay had all the motivation he needed.

Jay's body was caught in an ache as he lugged his duffel onto the locker room bench. He returned back to his locker and took a hearty gulp from the water bottle on the top shelf. As he did, his eyes flicked to a photograph taped to the back of the steel.

It was of the entire unit, but Jay didn't pay much attention to his other co-workers. Nadia had taken the photo, laughing as she did, so it was slightly blurry and lopsided.

But even as such, Jay could see himself and his partner as clear as day. At the back of the crowd, a good distance from Voight, he and Lindsay were stood hip to hip.

While Jay's grin was head on at the camera, Erin was looking sideways towards him. The smile on her lips made his chest knot, his heart quicken.

A flash from the bust ran through his mind in that moment - _"I love you."_ \- resonating through his soul. He shook the voice from his mind.

After they'd gotten out of there, Jay had sped off almost instantaneously. He was under no circumstances holding Lindsay to what she'd said when the bullets were flying. He knew what adrenaline could do to you when you had a gun in your hand and panic in your chest.

"Rough day, huh?"

He didn't hear Erin enter and visibly shook at the sound of her voice. Having cleaned herself up after their efforts, she looked considerably better than Halstead. Then again, he noted she could be on the verge of death and still steal the air from his lungs.

"Yeah," He said back, closing his locker and looking down at the floor. His heart was fast.

"Look, about what I said-"

"Don't worry about it." He cut her off, his voice strong. She did a double take and he could see the confusion on her face. "It was the heat of the moment, y'know."

"Jay…" God, he loved how she said her name.

She took a step forward, eyes bright.

"I'm not holding you to it. You can walk away and we can forget this whole thing." It was a lie; he was never going to forget it.

"Jay…" There was more amusement to her voice now, a smile threatening to unravel as she took another step towards him.

"I mean, you said that you loved me. That's pretty big, and it was the rush of-"

"Okay, you're really cute when you start rambling but I'm gonna need you to shut up right about now."

Erin could barely finish her words before she held Jay's lips in a kiss, so effortless and smooth it was as though no time had passed since the last time she'd done it. She felt his body stand rigid against hers.

A second passed and he softened. She tasted his smile. Her hands roamed up his chest as they travelled round his neck. She felt goosebumps erupt on his skin.

His hands hesitantly grasped her waist as he kissed her harder. He wanted to make up for lost time.

She let out a whimper as he spun them around, Erin's back landing against the lockers. She hoped to god nobody was walking in anytime soon. Though, it didn't really matter; she wasn't sure that anything could tear her body away from his.

His hands were in her hair and hers fell limp at her sides. As he titled her head up, deepening the kiss, Erin felt euphoric. She felt as though this was it. He was it.

Her fingertips grabbed for skin, settling for the thin material of his shirt and fisting it with everything she had. She pulled him nearer, feeling his body compact against hers.

He was smiling again, and Lindsay noted how she could happily have only his smile on her skin for the rest of her life. After a hot second, he drew back just enough to separate their lips.

The air was hot and sticky between them. Erin struggled to regain her breath.

"We should…"

She didn't know where she was going with her words, and they trailed off into the abyss between them. She licked her lips and felt her chest heave up and down with deep breaths.

"You wanna… Get something to eat?" He asked, voice hoarse and broken.

She met his gaze and nodded.

"We just have to make one stop, first."

That stop was Voight's office on the way out, hand in hand. Erin's palms were sweaty, but it was probably from their session in the locker room. She felt invisible. And as she knocked at her pseudo-father's door, she was finally ready to confess her love of Jay Halstead to the world.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	4. What You Looking For?

**Hey there, hope you're having a good day! I haven't really gotten to explore Erin's state of mind much through writing so it's been fun to get to do that a little in this chapter.**

 **My song for this one goes to Full Moon Rising by Neil Halstead, it's a personal fave of mine and I think it goes with the tone of what I've been writing.**

 **I'm not really sure where, in terms of the show's timeline, this one fits. (I've had the idea for a while and now it's just kind of... There.) I hope it won't cause too much of an issue, and please, enjoy!**

* * *

Jay finds himself at Erin's. Maybe his body has memorised the way and there's nothing he can do but sit and let the universe pull him towards her.

He jumps from his car and strides to her building, and within seconds, he's knocking on her door with heart he didn't know he had.

There's no answer and he takes it that she doesn't want company. But he doesn't want her to be self-destructive; so maybe she's going to have to make her peace with seeing him.

Maybe it's an abuse of power but the crazy side of him takes over; the side of him that is head-over-heels, entirely and completely in love with her. Maybe its an invasion of trust but he does it anyway: he grabs the spare key below the mat and lets himself in.

She's by the couch, and turns immediately and instinctively at the turning of the key. She looks afraid when he first sees her in the darkness. Her expression softens in a second, although she still doesn't look welcoming.

"Do you always just let yourself in to people's homes?" She asks brusquely.

"Only when they don't answer my knocking."

His eyes drift to take her in. The wild, broken look in her eye she's had for a while now. The hollowness to her cheeks. The crack in her demeanour.

And then his eyes go to her hands, clutching pants and a shirt and shoving them into a black duffel.

"It's late, Jay. What do you want?" She doesn't look up, instead choosing only to speed up her packing efforts.

"What are you doing?"

She lets out a sigh and presses her hands to her forehead, pushing the hair away from her face. There was a time where, in the late night or early morning, when he was close enough to feel her breathe, Jay would do that. But times have changed. Nadia has died and Erin's felt the death like her own and the world keeps spinning. The world's left her behind.

"I need…" She loses her words, her voice breaking. "I need some space."

"I've tried giving you space. Why don't you try letting me be here instead?"

There's a scraggled look to her, he notes. Like everything's caving around her. Like she's drowning right before him and she's determined to use her last breath to push him away.

"It's not you, it's… Everything. It's this place, It's this city." She paces a little, her breathing deep. She heads to the window and Jay wonders if she's having a panic attack. A constant panic attack that started the second they found Nadia's body.

"I can't breathe, y'know?" She says, and he can feel the ache in her words. "This isn't home anymore. I can't breathe here, I can't be here anymore. I need to go, I need…"

There's no end to her sentence and he accepts that. Because she's going through something traumatic, and when you face something like that there isn't an equation to immediate happiness and clarity.

He lets a moment pass; lets her catch her breath.

"Chicago's never gonna leave you." He murmurs after what feels like a lifetime. "Isn't that what you told me?"

 _In a white hot moment she was back, drifting into an absent sleep against his soft sheets. In the midst of a half-sleep he'd let his secrets pour out, and she caught them one by one._

 _"Do you ever wish you could just get away from all this?" He'd whispered, the words caught in his throat. And she didn't need to ask him; she knew there was pain in the streets of this city for him, as there was for her._

 _"Chicago, I mean."_

 _"Sure," She let the words slide off her tongue and think back to the city. Her city._

 _"But you know something…" She was holding his cheek and grazing her fingers against the roughness of his stubble. "You can leave Chicago but Chicago's never leaving you."_

 _It was their city; their messed up, painful, broken, beautiful city._

"Yeah, well I told Nadia I could give her a better life. What the hell do I know?"

There's an iciness to her tone now, and he feels it pierce her skin. Not because it hurts him, but because he knows it's hurting her.

"Okay, so you leave Chicago. Where are you gonna go?"

"Anywhere." She breathes out instantly, turning back to face him. A slash of light slips through the window and lands across her face. And he can all but see her breaking. "Anywhere has got to be better than here."

"Erin," His tone comes out soft, the name at home on his tongue. He feels himself moving towards her. "This isn't something you can just leave behind. You can't just walk out that door and never feel this again."

"This was her home, Jay! That was her room, her life was here! She's everywhere I turn and I can't- I can't keep waking up to this every morning." Jay knows loss, and he knows pain. He knows where Erin is and he knows the ache in her heart because sometimes, he can feel it in his own.

He's still walking towards her, knowing she's going to to need to be caught sometime soon.

"I was supposed to protect her!" She practically screams. The tears manage to appear from nowhere and suddenly she's a wreck. "She needed me! I was supposed to be there!"

Her knees buckle but Jay catches her before she hits the floor. He holds her close to his chest and though her body shakes and though he feel her softly punching at his arm, he holds her ever harder.

She's chanting in his ear. _I was supposed to protect her._ _I was supposed to protect her._ _I was supposed to protect her._ His hands are smoothing down her hair and he's kissing shhh's into everywhere he can.

He can feel himself breaking alongside her. After an eternity his eyes go to her couch, to the half packed duffel. And he knows this is something she has to do. It's a journey she needs to go through on her road to recovery.

* * *

Jay holds her bag as they exit her building. Wordlessly, they walk to her car, and every step feels like the word of a goodbye. She unlocks her car door and takes the bag from him, tossing it to her passenger seat.

When she turns back to him, he wants to stop time. He wants to memorise everything about her and write it all down. He wants to take pictures and carve a sculpture and let his soul paint a picture of everything about her. Because although he knows it isn't permanent, he's scared of how long she'll be gone.

"You're sure about this?" He asks, half wanting her to turn back from it all.

Her jaw falls soft and she lets out a quick nod. There's only the streetlight illuminating them and he hates that it's such bad lighting. She's a masterpiece, and he wants to remember her that way.

"I need to figure out who I am." Her voice is hoarse from the screaming and crying, and it grates through the air.

"I know who you are." He's begging now. _You're the person who doesn't take crap from anyone. You're the person who has the biggest heart I've ever known. You're the person who thinks she's responsible for Nadia's death. You're the person who isn't._

Her lips curve into a broken smile and she closes the small distance between them.

"You know Detective Lindsay. I need to find out who I am without my badge, without Voight, without all of it." She meets his eyes. "Without you."

"If you need anything-"

"I'll call." She assures him, and he lets his sad eyes roam her face a final time.

Hesitantly, Erin's hands reach up and grasp either side of Jay's face. She's got a firm grip on him but he can still feel her slipping.

"I love you for so many reasons." Erin's voice breaks again, and he swears she's seconds from crying. "But I love you even more for understanding why I have to do this."

He takes a leap and leans forward, letting his goodbye take form in the pressure from his lips against hers. It's warm and familiar and all he's wished for.

It only lasts a second but he knows she feels that same buzz in the pit of her stomach. He knows she's hurting and he knows she's numbed herself to a lot, but she can't numb herself to that.

Her lip is trembling when he finds the strength to look at her, and he takes the final opportunity to push the hair from her face. With everything he can muster, he forces a smile and keeps it going until she's in the car and closes her door to the world.

He sees her off and even long after she's gone, can't bring himself to move from that parking lot. He only does when a text comes through.

 _I know Chicago's never gonna leave me. And neither are you. You're my anchor; Nadia always said so._

* * *

 **I will most likely rewrite something like this again - since it is our perfect angsty scenario, but with Jay convincing her to stay. I hope this wasn't a let down or an anti-climax or anything like that, I just thought it would be interesting to look at him supporting her in this way.**

 **Please leave a quick review telling me what you thought!**

 **(Also if you have any requests, however vague or detailed, please don't hesitate to let me know. I crave interaction. And to those who have already sent me some awesome scenarios - they are currently works in progress, so keep an eye out for them!)**

 **Thank you for reading.**


	5. I Don't Wanna Love Somebody Else

**Sorry for the update delay - I'm trying, honestly! I'm in between one shots now and since this one was written I just decided to post it. I like the concept I had for this one but not the execution (great intro to a story, I know) but I hope you'll like it. The timeline for this chapter is somewhere within Erin and Jay's 'cooling off' period.**

 **I am working on others currently, and I'll try and get them up as soon as I can!**

 **As usual, I own nothing other than an obsessive, painful Chicago PD addiction.**

* * *

It replays in Jay's mind, clear as day. He can picture the shattering glass, Erin's intake of breath next to him, the crumpled SUV and the deathly silent atmosphere that whirled around them.

Apart from a juddering in the car and a deep seeded ache against Jay's chest from how instantly Lindsay hit the brakes, he and his partner escaped relatively unscathed. A similar scenario played out for Voight and Antonio, the vehicle behind.

But for Ruzek and Olinsky, things weren't so lined with silver.

It was Olinsky who withdrew from the car, greeted by his unit racing frantically towards him. He had a visible shake and a crimson cut to his forehead, but his focus was on his younger partner.

"Pupil's blown, no response." His shaky voice echoed to Voight while the others sought the passenger side.

"Ruzek," Jay shouted. There was a worry in his voice he didn't even attempt to mask.

"Hey, Adam." Erin's was softer, but far from relaxed.

The door was crushed, and Jay groaned with frustration and fear as he attempted to swing the broken metal open. Finally, the hinges gave and revealed the extent of Ruzek's wounds.

His lifeless body was positioned awkwardly, held tight against the seatbelt.

Erin reached for him immediately, moving his dropping head to the side and revealing a whole new cacophony of cuts.

"Adam, can you hear me?" She urged, tugging at the seatbelt that refused to give. "Hey,"

She could hear Antonio on the phone behind them, panic to his tone. Jay whipped his head round, fists clenched.

"How long?"

"Ambo's four minutes out." Dawson replied.

Erin's hands left the futile seatbelt and pressed against the officer's heated cheeks.

"Ruzek, if you can hear me, I need you to hold on, okay?"

She didn't stop holding him until the ambulance came. Even with Jay's hand pressed to her shoulder, with Voight's panicked voice in her ear, she kept holding on. Even though she wasn't sure that Adam was.

They were in the waiting room. Voight was breathing deep and Jay's leg was tapping nervously. Erin could stop her mind from racing.

She didn't know how long they'd been there; time seemed to evade her. It was dark out and her body ached, her eyelids heavy being the only indication that it had been hours.

At one point Jay pressed a coffee cup into her hands. She flashed him the hint of a smile.

Erin knew there was a danger of this - of course she knew. Being so surrounded by death, it became a constant threat in the back of her mind. And although she was somehow resolved to the high probability of an affliction against her, she absently managed to skip over the possibility of those around her suffering the same fate.

Adam was snarky, goofy, loud and annoying. But she loved him. He was her family.

With every muscle in her body screaming, she looked to her left. Jay's eyes were resting lazily on the ground, so still she assumed he may have been in some kind of trance.

He was sweet, brave, impossibly kind hearted and compassionate. And she loved him. He was everything.

More hours proceeded to pass, all without a word.

Finally, after an indefinite lifetime, they all let out a breath they were collectively holding.

"He's awake."

They filed in the impossibly tiny room with impeccable pace, the entire unit spread across the room.

Erin's face relaxed into an easy smile once she saw Ruzek's dorky grin. He was sat upright, bandaged and bruised but a continuous childlike amusement spread across his face.

And then she saw it. The knitting of his brow, only a twitch, barely visible. But there, nonetheless. And a second barely passed before everything that they thought had been rebuilt was crumbled to the ground.

"Hank Voight? Woah, this is an honour." He was still smiling.

Hank paused for a second, the smile of relief still imprinted on his face, albeit hesitantly wavering.

Adam's eyes then spread across the room, the confusion growing with each person he took in.

"Save your energy, man." Atwater chimed in, smacking a hand to Ruzek's shoulder. "Your sad excuse for humour can come later."

Adam looked warily at the hand pressed against his skin, and Kevin withdrew immediately.

Erin faltered, unsure of what to say. When she heard Hank mumble a subtle, "get the doctor in here, now" to Antonio, she knew they weren't out of the woods. Not even close.

Almost tragically on queue, Burgess appeared into the mayhem. She stopped in her tracks when she observed the solemn look in everyone's eyes.

Adam's politely upbeat tone cut through them all. "Look, not to be rude or anything," He started, mid chuckle. "But what the hell is going on here?"

Kim took a few steps forward, but Adam barely noticed her.

"Where's Wendy?"

Erin felt her heart break for Burgess.

"Everyone out." Hank ordered. And nobody dared argue.

Apparently that sort of memory loss wasn't uncommon in collisions of that nature. It was barely a couple of years Adam had slipped from - to his recollection, he was in the academy and dreaming of a job in Intelligence, something he was undoubtedly happy to hear he had attained.

Erin and Jay were sat in two chairs, side by side. Wordlessly, they held each other up. But still, she could feel herself slipping.

"He doesn't remember her." Erin's voice broke through the silence.

Jay didn't know what to say. Because it wasn't okay, he didn't know how on earth he could pretend it was.

He let his hand find Erin's, feeling the tensing of her fingertips as he threaded his fingers through hers. Their entwined hands hung heavy in the space between them.

In the pain of everything, Erin didn't look for Voight in the distance. She didn't rip her hand away and she didn't push Jay's heart as far away from hers as possible.

She let herself find comfort in his touch, missing it with every broken beat of her heart. She missed the softness of his calloused hands, the way he knew how to graze her skin in the perfect way.

With the tragic absurdity of the day's events, Erin didn't want to regret anything.

"I'm still in love with you." She muttered, feeling his eyes on her immediately.

It took all her nerves to meet his gaze. She unconsciously held his hand tighter.

"In case we're in a crash tomorrow and you don't remember who I am. I need you to know right now that I love you."

She poured the words from her soul and felt anger at herself for waiting so long to say it. Because it took a life threatening crash and memory loss for her to find the courage.

He was speechless, she could tell. And maybe that made of all this easier.

His mouth hung slightly agape as his tired eyes searched her face. Her heart willed her to say more; to wax lyrical about the freckles on his nose and the slope of his jaw, the sparkling of his eyes and the way he smelled.

But instead, fear consumed her and rationality took over. She gradually tore their hands apart, resting hers on her knees briefly before getting to her feet.

"I'm gonna get us some coffee." She forced a smile and held Jay's gaze for a second longer. She could see him trying to say something. He was trying to gather his thoughts into something coherent. But they were messy and complicated, and every thought he had was too immense to explain.

* * *

Erin returned shortly, two coffees in hand. When she turned the corner she saw Halstead pacing, arms rubbing his biceps. He looked up at the sound of her footsteps, and there was a look in his eye that melted her for a second.

"Erin," His voice cracked as he spoke and although she'd stopped in her tracks, he was slowly making his way towards her.

"Halstead. Lindsay."

Voight, from the other end of the corridor, seemed to appear, and Jay immediately dropped his gaze.

"Go home. Get some rest. We'll be back here tomorrow." Hank said with a sorrowful tone.

Erin forced a smile and nodded, letting her eyes drift briefly back to her partner. His jaw was tight and his eyes sincere, as though he was attempting to tell her something.

"Come on, Erin." Hank broke their silent tension. "I'll give you a ride."

After a single beat, Lindsay passed her partner and approached Voight, feeling something sink inside of her. After walking away, she turned to look over her shoulder a final time and a felt a burning in their joint gazes. She loved him more than she could possibly comprehend, and she just wished he could learn it all in that single glance.

* * *

It was late; Erin's lazy pupils dashed slowly as the pixels on the TV moved. She let out a strenuous sigh as her whole body began to drift, her eyes barely open before a soft knocking at the door captured her attention.

She heaved open the door to Jay, a solemn look on his face. His eyes were hopeful though, and glistening as he moved a step closer. His pace was achingly slow, she could feel him moving in and all she wanted to do was grab him with everything she had.

He looked down into the space between them, and only looked up when he'd practically closed the distance. His touch light, he landed his hand on the side of her face, holding her steady as his lips moved in.

Their lips fit together like puzzle pieces. And Erin felt complete.

The kiss was beautiful and fleeting, and after he finally separated them she realised there was no one she wanted more.

"In case you forget who I am tomorrow." He gave as reason of explanation, dropping his hand from her face.

Barely a second passed before she leant forward, recapturing his lips in a harder hold. She pulled them both back with all her strength and kicked the door closed with her grasp still firmly on her partner. He backed them against the closed door and pressed so close she could feel his heart beating. It was thudding to the same pace as hers and she could hear them echoing throughout the apartment.

For a single moment, she created the space to speak. "I could never forget you."

They were together again, her hands in his hair and his fingers at her waist. As insane as it sounded, Erin felt as though he was part of her being. So tightly connected that any random act of nature couldn't tear him from her memory, because it would rather be tearing a part of herself away instead. It was desperately hopeful thinking, but Erin was clinging to it with everything she had.

His lips were on her neck, her mouth hung agape in pleasure. She was tugging at his hair and he responded by pushing himself closer; so close they were almost melded into one.

Feverish kisses swallowed them whole, the darkness enveloping their forms pressed tightly together. She took in as much of him as she could, missing everything about him.

She missed the warmth of his chest, her hands roaming the muscles. She missed his scent, light and musky, everywhere she turned. She missed the way he kissed her with everything he had - kissed her like the world was ending.

He pulled away leaving her breathless, and like always, everything felt so undeniably inevitable.

"I love you." He said into the hot air between them, and she caught the words between her lips.

She grabbed at his skin desperately while he kissed her back, and as she carved her love into every crevice of his skin, she prayed to a God she didn't believe in that he would never escape her memory.

* * *

He lay awake in her bed, eyes heavy on the ceiling. A silence enveloped him and his thoughts were consuming, all on Adam. And Kim. And Alvin. And their now fractured unit.

He blinked with tired eyes as he recalled every memory between himself and his friend.

He felt a warmth through the cold as Erin pressed herself against him, her head burying itself in the crook of his shoulder. His heart felt lighter at the simple touch.

"Tell me what you're thinking." She rasped into his skin, sending shivers down his spine.

"What if he doesn't remember?" Jay asked, scared to bring the words to life. Scared, because it was a very real possibility.

Adam might never remember their movie marathons or beer binges, their lame drinking contests or pathetic bets. Their whole friendship could be wiped clean.

But, maybe, it was more than that. Even if Ruzek woke and remembered everything, Jay was still scared. Because it could be any damn one of them at any damn time.

He wasn't scared of getting beaten to a pulp or taking a bullet, like he wasn't scared of getting trapped in a burning building or under a weighted car. He was scared of the silent thief, stealing his memories and altering his mind in the cruelest way. He was scared of waking in that dream-like state and feeling like a stranger amongst family.

But more than that, he was scared of the person next to him feeling that.

Erin let out a deep breath.

"If," She started slowly, contemplating every word. "If he doesn't remember, then you start again. You rebuild it until you're back where you started."

Her fingers stroked his skin. And her eyes were looking into those blue irises that made it hard for her to breathe.

"If you're meant to be connected to someone, you find your way back to them." She said, and he turned to look at her just as she breathed her final word. "Always."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


	6. Just Forget The World

**TvRomances - This one's for you. Sorry it took almost a month to get here, and thank you for your patience!**

 **The timeline for this one is a little messed up - it's during their 'cooling off' time and after Nadia's death. (Although it's only a brief reference, i didn't want any confusion - also, for the sake of this story, Erin has handled the death without her spiral.)**

 **Another note: I watch the Grey's Anatomy 8x24 Mark/Lexie plane scene on a pretty much weekly basis so I drew on that a smidge. So I want to apologise in advance if this get's a little 'We're meant to be'-ish.**

 **I hope you like it!**

* * *

Erin felt numb to it all.

There was a time where exposing a high profile cartel with guns blazing gave her the kind of rush she'd only previously experienced from a hit of a joint or the line of powder cut with a credit card.

It was a rush that meant she had purpose. It was a rush that demonstrated how far she'd come; a reversal in roles, somehow. She was protecting her city.

But lately everything blurred into dull monotony. She couldn't see the meaning in what she was doing. She felt starved of it all, like there was someone tugging at her chest and rattling at the empty cage.

And, although she hated to admit it, maybe it was because of him.

She drove the car in silence and let her eyes flicker to her right. To Jay. To his quiet demeanour and his silent strength. A strength that held her up without the need for words.

A part of her told her to snap out of it; she'd gotten along fine before the taste of Jay on her tongue so she could get along fine long after. Still, she yearned for it. The hushed adoration and affection in every look he gave her, in every brush of the skin. She missed that feeling of being wanted. Wanted by him.

She forced herself not to look at him for another mile. It was a test for herself; a method to ween herself off of him. It transpired in other forms, too: she resolved to only look to his desk once every ten minutes, to check her phone for messages from him only once before she slept.

If only he knew.

* * *

She knew the flow in her work ethic had changed. And she knew Hank knew it to. Although somehow, she couldn't bring herself to care. The dysfunctional part of Erin was waiting for a confrontation with Voight on the subject. Her heart bounded at the prospect of explaining her negligence, the three lettered name aching to bound from her tongue to put into words what remained in her heart.

"...Roof, alright?" She snaps back to reality a little too late, Voight's harsh gaze on her. "You got that Lindsay?"

"Roof. Got it."

With Jay nodding, she deduces that she and Halstead are wanted on the rooftop, and she strikes lucky with catching the end to Hank's sentence. Voight seems happy enough, although his eyes hold steady for a second longer. She wonders if he can read what she's thinking.

"I want eyes for when the deal goes down. Just radio it in when you see something." He adds, hands hooked on either side of his vest.

The cold wind catches Erin's hair as she offers a faint nod. She feels Jay move beside her and turns to follow him. The wind brings her his cologne and it blindsides her for a second, the comforting smell of home has her thinking she's exploring his body pressed against his couch, not climbing a cold stairwell with a gun in her hands.

The steel rattles underneath the two detectives and the further they rise, the smaller their colleagues look. Like ants, they're minute. Meanwhile, Jay's ahead of her. He's her guidance.

The air chills her lungs as they continue to climb.

"I'm gonna need to get a beer when this is done. What do you say?"

Erin feels an aching in her heart after her partner's words. And the mirrored speech she throws him comes out before she can fully process it.

"I don't think my dad would like that."

His head turns back and he's got a grin to make her melt. She can see the sadness in the corners of his lips and for a second, she thinks he's going to say something. Whatever it is is gone in that fleeting moment however, and Erin can't deny the weight in her chest as he continues his stride up the creaking stairwell.

Maybe she wants him to fight for her. But as she follows him through the dark she knows how ridiculous that is - especially since she herself hasn't truly fought for him.

With a sigh she drops the thought.

They reach the roof within a minute, an icy breeze harsh in their faces. There's a hum in the air and it's from the distant traffic, far below their vision.

Everything slows for a second, and Erin unknowingly steps slowly towards the far edge. A million lights flash before her; a black canvas lit up right before her eyes.

"It's really something, huh?" Jay's voice barely cuts through the air. But its a murmur she catches.

She suddenly feels Jay beside her, their arms barely touching. She can feel his eyes on her as she stares down below. Her skin burns as her words hang heavy in the air.

"It's beautiful." Erin's voice has a rasp to it, and her voice comes out soft with her smile.

"It really is." She can feel him smiling, and she can feel him wanting to put his arms around her. And she can feel the pull between them, even with circumstance pushing them away.

She finally finds the courage and turns her head, ever so slightly, to the left. When she finally meets his eyes, she gets lost for a second. He's got everything in those eyes, and she loses all rationality. She wants to touch him, to feel the beat of his heart and the back of his hand.

And she can.

But not before the gunshot comes.

It narrowly misses them both, and it's so close Erin can practically feel it skim her skin. Jay reacts instantly, pulling his gun from his holster and yelling words that become lost in the white noise.

More shots are fired. Erin can barely breathe.

Jay's running, and Erin tries to but she can't. Why can't she move?

She feels sluggish and foggy, and everything around her is transpiring at half speed. She swallows saliva thick in her mouth, her brow knitted. She feels like she's falling.

She tries to focus her eyes but she can't. All she can feel is a warmth spreading across her abdomen. A couple more gunshots fire and then it goes silent.

"Erin? She drops to the floor. The warmth starts to sting. Her hands hold her stomach and they're laced with something thick and sticky. Something red. "Erin!"

Shot? No, it's not possible. Or so she thinks.

Her back's on the ground and her breathing is so shallow she feels like she's underwater. She stares up at the sky; a black sheet dotted with silver stars. It's beautiful. The jabbing pain in her stomach extends and she sucks in a breath.

"Oh my god," Jay presses his hands to her and she can feel him shaking.

He practically screams into his radio and she can feel the sky rattling. "10-41, I've got an officer down." His eyes scan his surroundings, and he knows there's no way in hell he's carrying her down that stairwell. "Get me an air-ambo now."

"Hey, hey, hey," He slips a hand under her head, another across her stomach. Their shaking hands connect in her pool of blood.

"Erin, look at me." His voice is firm and she does as he says. Maybe it's the light or maybe it's his paleness, but his eyes look bluer than usual. So blue she could drown. So blue they could swallow her whole.

"Just keep your eyes on me," His voice is soft. She wants to close her eyes and replay it in her head. "Hey, eyes on me, okay?"

Everything's hazy but Jay can hear a voice in his ear. It's Dawson.

"We're on our way up. Speak to me, Halstead."

"GSW to the lower left abdomen." It's not a through-and-through; he knows that. The bullet is lodged in her skin somewhere, killing her from the inside-out. "I'm applying pressure and she's responsive."

"Okay, just keep her talking."

His eyes flash over Erin. "Get Voight here. Now."

Her body starts shaking. Is it shock? He holds her hand, tight and firm and a breeze blows her hair across her face. It's nice; calming, even. She can feel her eyelids flutter slightly and the darkness threatens to envelop her. It all feels like a dream.

But it's not; it's reality. And by the look on Jay's face, it's not looking so good. Close range, thick through the abdomen. She doesn't like her odds.

"Please." He chokes out. "Eyes on me. Eyes on me, that's the deal."

"It's okay." She splutters out, her throat hoarse. She tries to smile. A swell of pain shoots through her and she convulses, although tries her best not to. She reaches out a hand to the side of Jay's face to turn his attention from her wound and to her eyes. Because when he looks into her eyes everything else seems irrelevant.

"It's okay," She echoes, his frantic pupils searching hers. "Because... Because I love you."

She feels light. Impossibly free. The words flow off her tongue like every atom in the universe conspired to construct them. She says the words, and his eyes become glassy.

"Don't," He begs. "Don't make this a goodbye."

"I should've said it earlier..."

He fiercely kisses her, and the breath comes to her lungs in a second. Like a fish to water she feels alive. He pulls away after a second and there's moisture on her face. Whether they're her tears or his, she's not sure.

"You're gonna have plenty of time to say it." He says, a bold voice despite his trembling lip. "And I'm gonna say it back. Because I love you, too. I do. I love you."

In a painful breath she lets out a laugh. A smile of relief and love.

There's a handprint on his face; her fingertips pressed against his soft skin and marking him with her blood. His eyes are lit with childlike hope and she wants to hold him forever.

"I love you." He chants again, and it's music to her ears.

"D-Don't make this a goodbye." She mumbles, a smile breaking through the pain. He lets out a pained laugh and she feels him lean closer. She can hear an ambulance in the distance; but its foggy and far.

"Hold on, okay? Please. Hold on."

Although pained, she moves her head in a nod. She wills her eyes to stay open but they try to close. Even with a view as wonderful as Jay Halstead.

"We're done being stupid, alright." He tells her. "This... 'Cooling off' thing? It's over. It's done."

She can't feel her movements. She tries to smile but she can't feel it.

Jay can hear movements behind him, hushed voices and his unit gathering. All he can see is Erin, though. And he's not taking his eyes off her. Not for a second.

"I'm gonna take you on a date." Erin laughs at that, and she can feel him laugh, too. "A real date. With... With candles and roses and $80 steak and a dessert that we'll split because that's what couples do." His hand presses harder on her stomach, trying to pressure the wound. She wonders if there's any blood left in her.

"And..." She licks her lips. "Champagne."

He breathes out a laugh and nods feverishly. "You'll pick the most expensive and I'll roll my eyes, but I'll order two bottles because I'm crazy about you."

She can feel her own breathing becoming shallow; echoing inside her empty chest. It hurts more each time her chest rises and the wind feels icy on her cheeks.

But Jay's voice soothes her somehow so she urges him to continue.

"What else?"

"We'll move in together." The words fall from his tongue. "We'll stay in your apartment because you think mine's a cave." She laughs, even though it hurts. "And we'll split the bills and go grocery shopping together... And we'll fight about anything and everything but that's okay because we both know the make-up sex is worth it."

Her smile grows wider. He shifts in and out of focus but she doesn't stop listening. Not for a second.

"And we'll have a kid - maybe two. Remember that night you told me you wanted to be a mom someday, but you were scared of screwing it up? Well you're gonna prove yourself wrong. You're gonna be the greatest mom."

She can feel a tear roll down her cheek and the pain in her abdomen ceases for a fleeting moment.

"We'll have a girl, and-"

"And..." Her breathing is sluggish but he waits for her to finish the story. "W-We'll call her... Nad... Nadia."

He smiles and nods at her words. "You bet. And she'll have your eyes and dimples and she'll be so beautiful it'll break our hearts."

The tears don't stop and she feels entirely numb to everything. Everything apart from the future Jay is laying out before her.

"And we'll have dinner at Voight's, and anniversary parties, and... And we'll buy a house, with a massive backyard and a dog, and maybe a few cats..."

She can't make her voice vocalise anymore, and all she can do is mutter into the wind. "W... W-Wis... Wiscon..."

"We'll retire to Wisconsin." He nods, his voice soft in her ear as he finishes the story.

He doesn't care that Voight can hear every word he utters. He just needs Erin to hear their future.

"We're gonna have the best life together, Erin. We're gonna end up together, I know it. So, just... Don't give up. Please. Hold on. Because it's about to get really good for us."

"Y... Y-You... Promise?" The words leave her lips broken and scarce but he catches them.

"I promise."

She wheezes a pained breath and can feel her eyes drift to a close. And, as if right on cue, the blades of the helicopter whip through the icy air above their heads to try and fix this broken mess.


	7. You've Got A Beautiful Brain

**Hello wonderful humans! A giant thank you to every review that has been left recently, I appreciate it so much!**

 **This chapter comes from EmilyMay93, with her wonderfully weird request being: 'turn to your nearest book, open to page 89, and use the first line of the last paragraph as the start of your scene.' Now, since I am an avid kindle user, this request required me going to my bookshelf and picking a random book with my eyes closed. The winner was City of Ashes by Cassandra Clare and the line presented was _"_ _The voice spoke out of the blackness: slow, dark, familiar as pain."_ (Which of course I was thrilled with, because it just screams angst.) So this one's for you, Emily. I hope you like it.**

 **The song stuck in my head while writing this one is a favourite of mine - Medicine by Daughter. I love the haunting feel of the song and think it goes pretty well with how events on the show are playing out. While I'm on the subject, for those of you who haven't checked it out already, Jayne (McShipper) has created a phenomenal fanvid to this song which absolutely blew my mind when I first watched it and I highly recommend it.** **watch?v=j_Kuwze03Yo**

 **This chapter is set after Nadia's death. Something I wish we'd have gotten to see play out.**

* * *

The voice spoke out of the blackness: slow, dark, familiar as pain.

 _"More rats, detective."_

The voice sent a flash down her spine, jolted her senses alive. She knew she was dreaming; it was the same nightmare she'd been visited by for weeks now. She knew she wasn't conscious but, try as she might, she couldn't wake herself.

Gregg Yates was walking towards her, achingly slow. Consumed by blackness, the only thing she could see beyond the monster was his car, the trunk popped open. There, stirring and silently crying, Nadia.

"Pity," Yates muttered, the hint of a sadistic smile tugging at his lips. "Looks like she's not going to last through the night. I usually like to play with my food for much longer."

He drew out every word, and with each syllable Erin felt closer to puking.

She tried to bark back a response but couldn't. Just as she couldn't move either - an invisible rope pinning her body in place.

So she was simply left in a state of limbo, watching with anguish as the cruel grin on Yates' face and the hollow screams from Nadia faded into nothingness, permanently engrained in her memory.

She woke in a sweat, thrashing in her sleep. With deep breaths, Erin attempted to compose herself. She was alone in the darkness, but that look of dejection and fear in Nadia's eyes was still in her head.

She ran a hand across her face and attempted to control her breathing. With heavy eyes her glance landed on her bedside clock, and although it was almost 2am, there was somewhere she desperately needed to be.

* * *

She knocked on Jay's door, well aware it was past a decent hour for evening visits. She stood and waited while the guilt and torment swallowed her whole.

After an eternity, the door swung open and Halstead stood in front of her, groggy and sleepy, barely awake. He squinted at her in the quiet, though his eyes sprung to action after a brief second.

"Erin?"

"I know it's late..." She mumbled. His eyebrows furrowed as he slowly watched her movements. "I just... Can we just pretend that nothing changed. Just for tonight. I know that's stupid and self-destructive and an insanely bad idea, but... God, just for tonight. Please?"

She didn't know when the tears welled in her eyes or when the shaking in her voice started, but by the time her words dwindled Jay was looking at her in a way that made her heart ache.

He took a hesitant step forward, clearly fighting with himself in deciding how to comfort her. He slowly reached his hand to her face, delicately extending his fingers round her neck and wiping away the tears on her cheek with her thumb. Erin moved towards him without warning, and fought against logic and reason when her hands landed on his chest.

The shake of her fingertips ceased the second she felt his heartbeat, and it gave her the strength to push closer. Her hands found his neck, gripping with everything she had as she nervously brought her face closer to his. With shaky breaths, she waited for him to pull back, to tell her she was being crazy.

But he needed it as much as she did, and so he closed the distance with the tentative pressure of his lips against hers. She hardened the kiss immediately, her whole body shuddering at the lightness of his touch.

He pulled back after a second, looked deep into her eyes. He looked at her with all the love she ever wanted from him, and she kissed him quick before she could confess everything that had been inside of her.

Racing hearts and sweaty palms, they fell into an ebb and flow with such ease it was as though no time had passed at all. The door slammed and they kissed in the dark, quick and deep against any surface they could find.

Even in the dark, even with her eyes closed and her head spinning, Erin still remembered her way to his bedroom. She manoeuvred them there quickly, each clumsy step building something inside of her.

Because for a second, there was no pain. There was only love; a love so strong she thought for a second everything might be okay in the end.

Clothes were thrown aimlessly in every direction, cold fingertips roaming bare skin and eliciting goosebumps everywhere. It was familiar and comfortable. It was home for both of them.

Jay hovered above Erin. "Are you sure?"

Her expression softened and she nodded, stroking his cheek. He leaned in slow, tangling his fingers in her tousled hair as she wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him close.

* * *

He woke a little while later, his heart warm and his body aching. Eyes closed, he reached out in the dark, wanting to pull her close. But despite his efforts he felt nothing but cool sheets.

His eyes snapped open and squinted through the darkness. He felt as empty as his room, no part of him having considered she would have up and left while he drifted into a sleep.

Her strewn clothes were gone, and Jay flopped back against his pillow. Disheartened.

With an insuppressible sigh, his head lolled to the side. And there she was; on his fire escape, pressed against the railing. She had only her shirt and jeans on; she must've been impossibly cold.

A smile crept on Halstead's face. He threw on some sweatpants and a shirt before deciding to join her.

The air was cool against his skin as he climbed onto the fire escape, the wind hitting him immediately. Erin barely moved as he caused the metal to rattle. Instead, she gazed aimlessly at the city beneath them, turning only to offer him the briefest of smiles.

Her nose had tinged red from the cold and the wind had whipped her hair messily round her shoulders. It was under the bright moonlight that Jay could finally take in the features of his partner; her eyes seemed sunken somehow, covered by thick bags that aged her right before him. They were lifeless, too. Her whole face seemed thinner and gaunt; her jawbone noticeably angular and her cheekbones protruding boldly.

And in that moment, Jay felt sick. Sick at himself, for letting time slip by where he hadn't recalled all this. Of course he'd noticed the change in her since Nadia's death - but then again, if there hadn't been a change, she wouldn't be human. Death equated to change inevitably.

But it had been weeks and she only seemed to worsen. And he felt sick that he hadn't done anything.

As though reading his thoughts, Erin pulled a cigarette out of her back pocket and slipped it between her lips, exemplifying her change. Jay hadn't ever seen her smoke.

She retrieved the lighter from her other pocket and held it in her shaky fingers.

"You can talk to me, you know." Jay muttered through the cold. "About anything, and I'll listen. No judgement."

Her eyes washed over him and she wanted to smile. He could see how she considered the offer and that was enough for him. All he needed was for her to know that he was there.

"I didn't mean to use you tonight." She said, the cigarette dangling between her lips. It remained unlit. "I never wanted..."

"You can use me anytime."

The corner of her mouth twitched, offering the hint of a smile. Her head turned back to the view and she watched the cars beneath them. Her lips quivered; he didn't know whether or not it was from the cold.

"Is it nightmares?"

Her head whipped back to him, her eyes glassy. She didn't have to tell him; her haunted look gave her away.

"I know you don't want to face it, but talking helps. I used to get them. When I first came back, I got them most nights." She remained silent and he pushed on. "If you don't want to talk to me, I can give you a number-"

"How long?" She asked, a wavering to her voice. She gently pulled the cigarette from her lips and toyed with it between her fingers. "Before I stop hearing his voice and seeing her face. How long?"

He looked away, knowing whatever answer he gave wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. It would be months at the very least, and he knew she wanted an overnight fix. And what scared him the most, was wondering whether or not she would go as far to seek out a quick fix in the hopes of subduing the pain.

His hands tensed awkwardly at his sides, wanting desperately to hold her. But he knew her too well. She had closed herself off from him again.

"If you let this change you then he wins."

Erin let out a pained laugh, tensing her jaw and staring right ahead. "I think he's already won. Don't you?"

Jay dropped his head, unable to find the words. How do you comfort someone desperate to avoid it? He hated Yates in that moment more than he'd hated anybody in his life. He hated the safety Yates had gotten of prison walls and for one of the few times in his time in intelligence, he felt a connection to Hank Voight. He saw himself as Voight and saw Yates as Pulpo. He saw himself attaching the concrete block to the sadistic murder and kicking it merrily to the bottom of the river. And then he hated himself for wanting that.

"It's cold. Let's go inside." He muttered, a beg of sorts.

Erin didn't answer him, she stayed looking down at the cigarette in her fingers and creased her eyebrow as she thought back to the mess of things.

Jay waited a moment before turning to leave, only stopping at the sound of Erin's voice whipping through the cold air.

"I came because I was in love with you at one point. I think I still might be."

He turned around and she was facing him. Her eyelashes were wet with tears and his heart broke. Not for the first time that night.

"Me too." He replied. And in her quiet strength, he saw briefly her beg for his help. "Come back to bed."

She followed him that time.

He found an old shirt, one she'd worn before that still possessed her smell. He didn't have the heart to wash it. He took the cigarette and lighter from her ice-cold hands and placed them on top of his dresser.

It wasn't much but it was something. While only one cigarette, he saw it as her avoiding a quick fix for the night. He saw it as a stepping stone.

He held her in the cold sheets, her face buried in his chest and his arms wrapped right around her. Her shallow breathing kept him awake, and he spent the darkened hours whispering stories of Nadia into the space between the two of them.

"She gave me a list of words I constantly misspelled in my paperwork, said she was giving me a pop quiz at the end of the week." He mumbled into her hair, smiling at the mere memory. Erin laughed into his chest and it was music to his ears.

"I accidentally spelled prosecution wrong once by accident. Never lived it down." Erin said, her voice not sounding like the monotonous tone she'd been reduced to for the past couple of weeks.

They traded stories back and forth deep into the night, their voices getting gradually softer and hushed. At some point, Erin drifted into a sleep. A sleep unplagued by the haunting memories and instead soothing somehow. She felt her bones relax and her soul calm in Jay's hold and for once, a part of her wasn't afraid to awaken to the reality of it all the following morning.

She called that progress.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Please tell me your thoughts and feelings.**

 **And if you have a request, please don't hesitate to put it forward. I'll do my best to bring it to life.**


	8. Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart

**Sorry for the delay, my writer's block has been insane recently! This one I went kind of crazy on, (3k words of crazy) so I hope you'll find some enjoyment in it. It's set during the Dark Days and is another storyline I think would be interesting to explore, however unlikely it is. Here goes nothing!**

* * *

His fingers tap the steering wheel, his eyes are sharp. The engine of his car hums beneath him as Jay sits and waits outside of the bar.

It's not always this place; since he's started doing this, the locations have varied. The dive bars seem to be a favourite for her, though she's not impartial to choosing Bunny's place from time to time. Picking her up from Bunny's is hardest for him; it's bad enough to see Erin in this state, let alone being manipulated by her own mother.

But he does it anyway. Every night for the past three weeks.

Groups of people flock in and out of the bar, a thudding of music he can hear even from across the street. With the busy crowds, Jay begins to contemplate going in there to find her - he's done it before and he knows he might have to do it again, he just prefers not making a scene and lifting her from the sidewalk instead.

It's a good night - Erin tumbles fairly coherently past the bouncers and under the bright streetlights. Her shaky legs steady and she maintains composure, eliciting a sigh of relief as Jay exits his car - at least she's not blackout wasted.

He stalks across the road to her, steadying her in his strong hold in less than a minute.

Even though he's seen her like this for countless nights, she still doesn't fail to make his heart throb in pain at the lost look in her eyes. Glassy and distant, they're no longer radiating with warmth and love like he's used to. Or, more appropriately, was used to.

"Easy, easy," He mutters to the wind as he wraps an arm round her waist, pulling her hand around his neck. He supports her weight easily, bringing them both into a quick, steady stride back to his car.

She doesn't object anymore. He can still remember the first night, where she fought like hell to push him away. But now, he can see the resignation in her eyes as she drinks him in; and he's grateful for it.

 _"I don't know, man..." Mouse groans from the other end of the line. "If Voight finds out..."_

 _"Then he'll be grateful that we got her before she ended up dead in a gutter somewhere."_

 _Mouse goes silent after Jay barks his response. Halstead slows his pacing and looks out the window of his apartment, fear flooding through every vein in his body._

 _"Please, Mouse." Jay pleads. "Just send me an address."_

 _Mouse complies and texts through the location, which, to Jay's relief, isn't too far. He's there in just under ten minutes, jumping from his car and into the club before he can compose a rational plan._

 _There's thick smoke and neon lighting but he can see her at the bar. His face flushes with relief to know that she's conscious. That she's... Surviving. Voight had told him that she needed space so he gave her five days. Five long, painful days where she could have been six feet under for all he knew. But he watches her now, and he can finally breathe again._

 _The breath hitches however when he sees her with a guy. He tells himself not to be jealous but who is he kidding?_

 _He's by her side in seconds, hovering next to her._

 _"Hey," It's a lame opening but he's got nothing better._

 _Her's however, is far more hostile. "What are you doing here?"_

 _He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Why is he there? Because he's worried about her. Because he cares about her. Because he-_

 _His thought are interrupted by the guy sitting on the stool next to Erin's._

 _"We were kinda in the middle of something here, man."_

 _"Well now you're kinda not." Jay spits back before thinking, barely letting his eyes settle on the guy before looking back to Erin._

 _He pauses for a second to look at her; to really look at her. Her eyes are hazy, fading in and out as she attempts to keep focused. It's then he notices her swaying slightly._

 _"Erin, you're drunk." He leans in so she can hear him above the music. Drunk is an understatement and he knows it, but he doesn't want to get into semantics with Erin in this state. "Let me take you home."_

 _"I don't need you here!" She yells, and he tells himself it's because of the loud music. That doesn't explain the fuming look in her eye, though._

 _The guy interjects and it takes everything Jay has not to bite is head off. "She's got a ride home, dude."_

 _Erin doesn't even react to the comment and Jay wonders what else she won't react to, later on when the lights are off and the numbness sets in._

 _"I'm worried about you,"_

 _"Don't be," She shouts. "I'm fine."_

 _"Erin," He places a light touch on her arm and knows the second he does it it's a mistake._

 _"Get off me!" She pushes him, hard. So hard that she loses her own balance and stumbles from the stool. Trying to help her up then turns out to be an even bigger mistake._

 _"Just go! Just get the hell out of here!" He can feel the fire inside of her, the anger rippling through every pore._

 _So, he obliges. He masks the undeniable hurt on his face and watches as she turns her attention back to the guy on her right. And it's then that Jay turns and walks away._

 _He waits in his car for another hour and a half, his phone pressed tightly to his palm on the off chance that she decides to reach out to him. Of course, she doesn't. And he all but loses hope until the moment he sees her leave._

 _She stumbles to the ground before loftily picking herself back up. The guy who she was with earlier follows seconds later, just as unsteady on his feet._

 _Erin steadies her wavering body on the brick wall to the side of the exist and proceeds to empty the contents of her stomach._

 _Jay's there in seconds, and without thinking he reaches to pull the hair from her face, holding it back as she dry heaves anything left inside of her. When it's all over, she turns to look at him, this time choosing not to push him away. Instead, she regards him with a look of shame, her lower lip trembling as her aching legs shake._

 _"I told her't go easy on them shots," The guy beside them slurs, and Jay guesses that he wasn't too light on the shots either._

 _"Call a cab," The wind around them carries Jay's voice. "Go home."_

 _"Hey, man," The guy begins to stutter - that is until Jay lifts up his shirt slightly, exposing the badge strapped to his side. He watches the guy gulp and step back nervously, muttering something about calling a cab. By his hasty exit, Halstead assumes the guy was packing something, and is suddenly all the more glad that he's the one holding Erin's hair back._

 _"Come on," His voice is hushed, holding Erin up as he slips his arm around her. "Let's get you home."_

Since then its gotten easier. And although she never calls him, he knows that some conscious part of her knows he'll be there when she's ready to leave.

He looks to the right where she lies sloppily in his passenger seat. Her hair is strewn across her face and she looks tired. - No, exhausted.

When they arrive at her building she seems pretty steady on her feet, which he's thankful for since he knows that carrying her up three flights of stairs can be a partial pain.

She holds onto his frame as they make their way to her apartment, where Jay slips his hand under the mat and retrieves the key he's been using to unlock the door for the past three weeks.

Her place is cold and dark, as unwelcoming as every night before. He brings them both in, flicking on the light switch as he shuts the door.

"Go lie down. I'll grab you some water." He offers with a smile. It's the same thing he's been saying for weeks now. It's pretty rehearsed.

She nods at his words and stumbles hesitantly towards her bedroom. Watching her take her first few shaky steps, Jay heads for the kitchen, retrieving a couple of Chinese boxes from the coffee table as he passes it to dump in the trash.

As he fills the glass with water, he looks to see the emergence of a new vodka bottle on her countertop. He notes that she must have bought it today - he definitely would've remembered that last night.

He eyes it for a second, noting how it's almost half empty already. Maybe Erin sees it as half full.

With the water in hand, he makes a mental note to grab the vodka before he leaves. His first night taking her home, Halstead encountered a whole den of alcoholic goodies - a collection that he'd left with that same night so as not to tempt Lindsay when she woke up. He knew she'd be pissed the following morning, but to his surprise, she hasn't said a word to him. So he takes them; whatever bottles he can find.

Jay quickly takes a look in her fridge, too. He'd gotten her groceries the day before; nothing too extravanagant, just bare essentials. He breathes a sigh of relief when he shakes the half empty milk cartoon and sees that the two apples that were in there have been eaten. It's a start.

On his way to find Erin, he sees that her room is in darkness. His brow knits in confusion as he looks over to the spare room - Nadia's room.

Erin stands in the doorway, arms folded across one another. Hesitantly, Jay joins her, a solemn sadness washing over his whole body.

The room is unmoved. He can see an empty can on her bedside table, her trash can almost overflowing. A textbook sits on her bed, open to a page on Torts. Jay swallows hard at the sight before looking softly at Erin.

"I never told her," Erin whispers.

This is unfamiliar territory. Jay has dealt with her drunk ramblings, but never about Nadia. She never talks about Nadia.

"Told her what?" Jay asks warily.

There's a sober look in Erin's eye and everything seems unreal for a second.

"That I loved her."

Jay fights everything inside of him that wants to reach out and touch her, to hold her through the pain.

"She knew." He responds within seconds, believing it with his entire heart.

Erin doesn't say a thing, instead, she retrieves the glass from Halstead's hands and walks to her bedroom.

When Jay gets there, the glass is empty and she's on the end of her bed, swaying slightly. She's a silhouette in the dark and for a fleeting second Jay is reminded of why he does this every night; she's a broken shadow and she needs him.

He hesitantly enters her room, the same familiar feeling of home spreading through him. Although he and Erin being together feels like another life, it also feels unbelievably close to him, as though a part of himself he's never letting go.

Jay kneels on the floor and takes the empty glass from Erin, placing it on her bedside table. He works quickly and silently as he takes off her shoes.

He feels himself jump slightly when he feels her touch. It's only her fingertips on his shoulder but it sets him on fire, every nerve alive at the contact. When he looks up slowly, he can still see that fairly sober glow to her face, and he wonders what's going on in her head.

"Why do you do this?" She whispers, her voice hoarse from the drinking.

She looks down at him through hooded eyes, waiting for his answer. But Halstead is too focused on her hands on his shoulders and their close proximity to think of a strategy to play this.

"Because I care about you."

"Even now?" Her voice cracks.

He nods, his skin jolting when she moves one hand to the back of his neck, cradling his head.

"Especially now."

Tension pulls taut between them, and Jay doesn't know when or how it happens but he's suddenly slipping closer to her. He tells himself not to touch her, not to make this any more painful than it already needs to be. He's her ride home, nothing more.

His mind swims with thousands of thoughts as she moves her free hand down his chest, stopping on the material on the left of his shirt. His heartbeat thuds beneath her fingertips and he knows she can feel it. Her brow furrows as she brings her forehead to his, pressing them tightly together.

It feels that, for a moment, nothing has changed. She's still his partner and she will wants this. Nadia isn't gone and there's no sleazy bar crawls; there's only Jay and Erin together in the dark.

And in that moment, she presses their lips together, kissing him like it's air to her. He gives in and kisses her back, wishing and praying that it's enough to save her. A second passes before the taste of tequila is on his tongue and he pulls back rapidly, knowing it's going too far.

He's on his feet in seconds, putting distance between himself and Erin.

"I'm gonna go." His voice is just above a whisper, but she barely responds. With his own legs feeling fairly shaky, Halstead heads to the doorway. He pauses at the sound of her voice.

"Did you know?"

He turns and raises his eyebrow, confused at her words.

"I never told you, either." She mutters, and Jay suddenly catches on. He's brought back to their conversation in Nadia's doorway.

"I knew." Jay says, smiling a little despite the darkness. In truth, he's not sure he did know; sometimes she cut him off so completely he's wondered if she'd ever loved anyone, and other times she looked at him with such heart that he didn't think 'love' would begin to cover it. She was an amalgamation, a flurry of conflicting emotions that changed like the weather.

"I loved you." She whispers with finality, as though reading his thoughts, as though wanting to ensure he knows.

Jay's eyelids flicker as he lets her words settle, his heart beating unbelievably fast. He watches as her shadow lies down, her breathing become shallow.

"I love you, too." He says, knowing she can't hear. He stays a second longer before forcing himself to leave, out her apartment and down her stairwell. When he does, the wind hits him hard; but not as hard as the look Hank Voight flashes him from the parking lot.

* * *

"I was just..." Jay scrambles, trying to find a way to explain this to Hank. "I gave her a ride, okay? That's it. Nothing happened."

He's not sure why he's trying so hard to explain himself; Hank's dating rule is no longer applicable. Maybe it's the look he's giving Halstead - that silent, steady look he's projecting. Like the calm before a storm.

"You gave her a ride?" Hank asks, his eyebrow raised. Jay nods and the wind picks up around them. "What about the other nights? Were those just rides?" He asks.

Jay falters slightly, not sure what Hank wants to hear. He thinks of how his boss might have this recon on him... But it's not that shocking; Hank has ways of knowing things.

"I pick her up and I bring her home. That's it."

Hank takes a step forward and Jay has to force himself not to take a desperate step backwards. No. He's not scared of Voight.

"She calls you?" Hank asks, and Jay can see the real intrigue behind his eyes.

Averting his gaze, Halstead rubs his hand across the back of his neck and lets out a deep sigh. He doesn't want to get Mouse into anything so conveniently leaves that detail out.

"I track her phone." He says. Voight simply raises his eyebrows further.

For a second, it's silent. There's just the fierce wind around them and the distant cars to mask the tension. Jay folds his arm across his chest and waits for the lecture, the 'this isn't healthy, for you or her' speech.

"What's your game plan here, Halstead?"

The question catches him off guard, he knits his brow in confusion. "What?"

"Your end goal. What are you trying to get out of this?"

Jay hadn't really thought about it. It was just something that had become instinct now; a second nature to him. He wasn't thinking about a week from now, or a month or a year. He was just thinking about her; her broken heart, her suffering.

"My game plan is to avoid a call saying they found her body in an alley somewhere." He snaps, with more anger in his voice than intended. Voight isn't phased, though.

He seems calmed, at ease. He digests Halstead's words and seems satisfied, despite the tone.

"We'll switch it out." Hank finally announces, with a strong voice that suggests little room for compromise. "I'll take tomorrow night, you take the next. I don't need you half asleep on the job. We'll go from there."

Jay nods, feeling something unfamiliar settle between the two. It's not often that he and Hank see eye to eye. He lets a sad smile spread across his lips, knowing it's Erin who's bringing them together. And maybe, together, he and Hank can bring her back.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading this chapter, I hope you found it somewhat interesting.**

 **I'm an angst-adoring person myself but I'm starting to feel a slight strain so I'm going to be focusing on more light topics for the next chapters. We didn't get a ton of fluffy linstead on screen (maybe only like three episodes in total?) so I definitely want to explore the cute side of them. Anyway if you have any suggestions or requests, or anything you'd like to see, please don't hesitating PM'ing me or dropping a review.**


	9. I Like The Way You Look In My Sheets

**Good morning/afternoon/evening! Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great day. A massive thank you to every single person to have reviewed this, I can't explain how much of a motivator it is for me and what a huge smile it puts on my face. Likewise, I hope these chapters are being somewhat useful in helping you get through this hiatus. (We're getting there, guys!)**

 **My idea from this one started out as a cute/fluffy one, but as I was writing today angsty music may have gotten the better of me. Even so, I hope it's a fun read! It's set during the brief togetherness of linstead but towards the end, so near to 2x16. Enjoy!**

* * *

They lay lopsided on her sofa, Erin's legs strewn across her partner's body as they both struggled to keep their eyes open.

With tired limbs, Jay reached for the remote and began flicking through the guide.

"What do you think you're doing?" Although tired, Erin's voice didn't falter.

"Changing the channel?" Jay replied in the same high, questioning tone. He felt Erin shift on top of him and turn to look at him. There was a grin on her lips and a glint in her eyes. She loved any and all chances to prove she was right.

"On my TV?"

"You switched the channel on mine last night."

"I suffered through your documentary on marine biology for long enough." Erin said, shuffling off him entirely and turning to face him on the couch.

"So, let me get this straight." Jay began to clarify, suddenly feeling much more awake. "You have TV jurisdiction at your place, and mine?"

"Now you're getting it." Erin said softly with a nod, patting Jay on his shoulder.

"Okay." Jay sat up further, inching himself closer to his partner. "So you get to drive, control both sets of TVs and decide what we get for dinner?" Erin nodded with a satisfied smile. "What do I get control over?"

Erin's eyes narrowed as she thought for second. She tilted her head to the side and Jay could see the cogs turning in her head.

Erin finally shrugged. "I got nothing."

Jay's head fell back on the back of the couch with a disgruntled groan before he raised his body from the couch and headed towards her kitchen. "Come on," He moaned.

He grabbed two beers from her fridge and tossed one to Erin, grasping his own firmly.

"I have control." He said with a fire in his eyes. Erin bit back a laugh, wondering whether he was attempting to convince her or himself. She nodded and feigned agreement.

"Look, I know I was never that in-charge before, but now that we're a couple you can't just take what little power I have-"

"We're a couple?" Erin questioned, taken aback at the statement. Truthfully, she was never entirely sure of what they were.

"Well," Jay shuffled nervously on his feet. "Yeah."

She smiled despite herself. It sounded nice.

In an instant that soft look in Jay's eye turned fierce, and before Erin could full comprehend what was going on he was kissing her, and she was melting.

She dropped her beer clumsily to the counter behind her, as did he. Wasting no time, she gripped his shoulders and fought back against his pressured lips. The thought made her want to smile; it was a battle for control.

And Erin loved a challenge.

Her arms snaked silkily around his neck and tugged him closer, at the same time pushing herself tight against him. She could feel his palms against the thin material of her shirt, trail down to her waist as he held her in place.

With his tongue against her lower lip, Erin granted him access and wound her's into the mix. A battle of teeth and tongue ensued as she, with shaky legs, brought them both blindly to the countertop. She lifted herself up, cursing the momentary second where their lips seperated.

They rejoined instantly, Jay between her legs and Erin wrapping them around his waist.

She held either side of his neck as she kissed him harder, a few moments passing before her hands left and went to the ends of her shirt. In one swift moment the garment was removed, and she could feel shivers on her arms from the instant cold.

Jay's hands were on her neck, but not for long. Erin encased them with her own and brought his touch down her chest, across her toned stomach until finally landing on her bare waist. She could feel his lips shake as he felt her skin.

Their kisses became raggedy, sloppy. There was a fire burning between them.

And at just the right moment, just as Jay reached for the button on her jeans and she could taste the anticipation on his lips, Erin slipped from the counter and pushed him back with her palm.

He panted as he steadied himself on his feet, attempting to regain composure. As he came back from the disorientation, he looked at Erin with confusion and want.

She licked her lips and pushed her hair behind her ears.

"That," She rasped, leaning in close. "Is control."

As Erin walked away with the devil's smirk, Jay could do nothing but let a smile of admiration unfurl from his lips, despite his best efforts.

* * *

Erin slumped into her desk with a sigh when they finally got back to the district. It had been a tough chase but Reynolds had finally been reprimanded and detained. More importantly; no shots had been fired on the scene and everyone had escaped with no more than a scratch. She'd never vocalise the thoughts, but there was always a strand of worry in her when their perpertraitor fashioned a gun. But it wasn't worry for herself.

Her eyes glanced over to her partner's desk, to where he was frowning in concentration at his computer screen, tapping furiously. A smile left her lips without a thought being given to it.

The smile was was removed instantly however at the sound of Voight's thunderous voice. She swore she felt his eyes on her, too; watching her smile.

"Where's the perp?"

"Interrogation." Jay responded evenly, glancing up at his Sergeant before diverting his attention back to his screen.

"Why's he in interrogation and not the cage, like I asked?"

Jay faltered for half a second. "I just thought-"

"That you'd go against an order?" Hank boomed. "You like breaking my rules, Halstead?"

Everyone fell silent, a thick tension encapsulating the room. Erin watched as silence fell, everyone bowing their heads and looking away.

She watched with bated breath as Jay's jaw tensed. Relief flooded through her when he gritted his teeth and flashed a half smile and dropped his eyes.

"No, Sir."

Hank stared him down for a second before turning on his heels and storming towards interrogation, Alvin and Antonio following hastily behind him.

Erin let out a much needed breath when he was out of earshot, immediately looking over to Jay. He flashed her a smile of reassurance, but she wasn't buying it.

It was getting too intense, she knew that. One day the pressure would become too much and it would create a mess too drastic to clean up.

She cast her eyes downwards, watching with peripheral vision as Jay slowly got up and left, heading towards the locker room. With frustration, Erin ran her fingers through her hair and looked at the two exits taken by the two most important people in her life.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a low whistle from Ruzek.

"Intense, huh?" Erin nodded, sighing deeply. "Am I missing something?"

"Voight has his reasons." Erin replied without a second thought.

Ruzek simply shrugged and let it go, while Erin couldn't help but think that despite his reasons, Hank was way out of line.

She got to her feet and headed straight to the locker room, throwing the door open with frustration pulsing through every movement.

Jay was by his locker, and looked over his shoulder at the sound of her entrance. As she stormed towards him, he turned his body open to her just in time that she could slam her body against his in a fierce kiss without giving him a second to think.

He stumbled briefly as he regained balance, but kissed back instantly. He matched pressure and held her deftly at the hips, choosing to move them backwards until Lindsay's back slammed against the lockers in a noise that echoed throughout the room. She didn't care though; this wasn't the time for discretion.

Her breathing was entirely erratic and her body shook with fervour she didn't know she had. She sought out any skin she could find, leaving her warm fingerprints on every inch of his body she was met with. He reciprocated with his hands on her bare waist, a touch that sent shivers down her spine.

"Is this control?" He asked coyly, the huskiness to his voice melting her.

"This is so not the time, Jay."

With desperate want, Erin held the back of his neck and held their faces ever closer, needing his lips like oxygen. Lust overcame every rational thought in her body as she eventually went to his belt, tugging blindly as she needed progression.

She wasn't the kind of person to have sex in the locker room, but the way he was kissing her made her forget who she was entirely.

She moaned into his mouth with frustration as she pulled at the leather; anticipation overcame her sense.

With the belt almost undone, Erin felt a sweeping of cold air as Jay stepped backwards and put distance between them. While she was disorientated from his warmth and his smell, Halstead smirked softly and readjusted his belt.

He bit his lip and feigned an apologetic look.

"I have a lot of paperwork."

Erin narrowed her eyes at him, cursing that proud grin and competitiveness. As he walked away, she could do nothing but mutter with frustration.

"Well played, Halstead."

* * *

Jay had left fairly early, avoiding Hank's gruelling stare and finishing his paperwork with fervent desire. Erin had so much she wanted to say to him, but as usual words failed her.

He followed the usual routine of strolling to her desk, glancing gently towards Voight's office before leaning in close.

"I'll see you later?" He asked with hopeful eyes.

She nodded, tried her best to smile.

She watched him leave and then turned her head to Hank's closed doors, attempting to summon the courage needed to finally confront this head on. With a deep breath and a second to psych herself up, Erin turned the handle and finally did it. She fought for him.

* * *

Sat on his couch, Jay heard a soft rapping at the door and left the couch to get it. He paused with his hand on the handle, wondering fleetingly if his boss would be seething on the other side.

With a steady hand he heaved the door open, his expression softening when he was met with Erin's gentle eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked, noting the sad glow to her eyes.

"Can I come in?"

He stepped to the side but didn't drop the look of concern. "Sure. You wanna talk about it?"

She tugged her leather jacket from her frame and proceeded to unfasten her boots.

"No." She rasped, but he remained unconvinced. Even as she came closer and her perfume stunned him for a second.

"Erin,-"

She silenced his words in a slow kiss, her lips fitting against his like they'd found the place they were meant to be. And in that single kiss, every minor worry drifted from her mind. All that mattered was him and the pounding in her chest that told her this mattered.

He pulled away and held her face.

"What happened?" He asked evenly, despite her desperately needing his touch.

Erin bit her lip and grasped one of his hands from the side of her face, holding tight as she led him to his bedroom; a place that had become her sanctuary recently. Once in the room she turned and melted against him once more, stopping only to tug her shirt over her head and shimmy out of her jeans.

They stumbled towards his bed, Erin dropping to the comfort of the mattress but still reaching to meet his hungry kisses. Her fingers reached to the material of his shirt, grasping it at the hem and pulling it up to reveal his chiselled abdomen and chest. Cold fingertips roamed the canvas; she felt him shiver beneath her touch.

With new found desire, Jay brought his shirt over his head and threw it carelessly behind him, eyes back never leaving Erin.

He was hovering over her in seconds, lips grazing effortlessly across her neck, collarbone, chest. Her breath hitched as his lips crossed her toned stomach, trailing kisses across the smoothness of her skin.

Her body moved against him, desperate for any contact. He slowed when he neared the place she wanted him to be, and she knew within a second the battle for control had returned.

He placed light kisses against her thighs, but it wasn't enough.

She groaned in frustration and leaned up on her elbows. "Jay..."

His head drifted upwards, eyes full of lust but a grin of love on his lips. He looked warm and lively. He looked like her light.

"What?" He asked with a low rumble, feigning confusion. His fingertips danced on her bare skin and it drove her wild. She dropped her back to the mattress and exhaled a sigh of frustration.

"Just say it." He whispered.

 _"Just say it." Hank's eyes were challenging, intimidating. But Erin wasn't intimidated; Erin was alive. Erin was brave, she was fearless. But most importantly..._

 _"I love him."_

 _She was in love._

"I love you." She breathed the words the minute the entered her head, the precise second she was taken back to her earlier conversation with Hank. She spoke the words with no care for consequence; no fear, no hesitation.

Jay was expecting a 'get to it already, Halstead', or maybe even 'do you need instructions for this?'.

He was looking for a 'please'. Or anything else that put him in the driver's seat.

But what he got was so much more.

They were looking at each other, neither daring to speak.

"You..." Jay began unevenly.

"I love you." She repeated, bolder this time. She was sure.

He was grinning the moment she said it, a smile so big that it made her smile too. He moved to her side and kissed her gently, holding her jaw as his legs tangled against hers. Her lips responded, and it felt like the most honest kiss she'd ever given.

It was no longer a battle for control; control was the last thing on both their minds.

He kissed her soft and quick, holding her face in his hands as he rested his forehead against hers. With their eyes closed and their skin touching, Erin could feel Jay's relief in her own veins; she could feel his strength.

She placed a chaste kiss on his lips before softly whispering against his skin.

"You're still not driving."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	10. Who Has To Know?

**10th Chapter, here we are! This one was a fun one to write - I hope you guys enjoy it. The song (and theme) for this one is Dirty Little Secret by All American Rejects, and it's set during the fleeting time the writers gave us of these two together.**

 **This is one of, if not the longest oneshot I've ever written, so here goes nothing!**

* * *

They ended up in that position often; not that Jay ever complained. He pressed his body against hers as they backed against his bedroom wall, feverish kisses landing on each of them at every angle. Within a moment of her entering his apartment her shirt had been lost, and after awkwardly shimmying out of her jeans and boots in his bedroom she remained in only underwear.

His hands were light on her neck, thumbs outstretched to cradle her jaw while hers were hard on his waist. The sound of sloppy kisses filled the silence around them. A sound of desperation; of love.

Just as her fingertips delved beneath his thin black sweater, a knocking at the door brought them both out of their temporary lust-fueled haze.

"Just ignore it." Jay muttered with hot breath, his attention turning to the soft skin of Erin's neck. Her breath hitched at every touch. He could feel her heart hammering in her chest.

A second passed before Erin and Jay stopped their movements.

"We know you're in man," Ruzek's voice carried from outside the door.

"Your car's parked out front." Atwater added as reasoning.

Jay swallowed and could finally think straight. He looked down at his dishevelled partner.

His voice was low as he spoke. "Did you drive here?"

She shook her head, relief evident in her eyes. "Got a cab."

He let out a sigh and a brief smile; her car wasn't out front, they didn't know she was there.

"I'll get rid of them." Jay said, taking half a second to take in the sight of a half dressed Erin Lindsay pressed against his bedroom wall.

She bit her lip and gave him a little push, a small laugh leaving her lips.

"Go," She urged, a redness rising in her cheeks from the way he was looking at her. Like she was the sun.

Jay was there in seconds; opening his door and planning to tell his co-workers that this was not the night for company. The image of Erin in his head was a good motivation to stay strong.

Yet as he swung the door open, he had a six pack of beers pressed to his chest as Adam and Kevin comfortably strode past him, immediately making themselves at home on his couch.

"Listen, guys..." Jay started with a remorseful tone.

"No, no, no." Adam began to chant. "You are not bailing again. We haven't been out in weeks 'cause you keep flaking."

"Seriously, dude. It's gettin' old." Atwater added.

Jay stood with his hands on his hips and gave an apologetic glance.

"Look, I'm sorry, but... I have plans tonight."

"Yeah you do." Ruzek remarked. "Plans with us. Come on, Jay. I asked you about this last week and you said it'd be cool. Tony's stoppin' by in a bit - You know he hasn't been out much since the divorce."

Jay let out a deep sigh at the guilt card Adam was playing.

"Come on, man. We got beer, we got movies. Guy's night."

As Adam spoke he flicked the top off the first beer and passed it over to Halstead, who was still sporting an uncomfortable grimace. He unconsciously looked over his shoulder and to his bedroom door.

"Fine," He finally sighed. "I can push my plans a bit. But when I call it a night, you're gone, okay? I don't need anybody passed out on my floor again after too many drinks."

His eyes flickered to Kevin and Jay recalled the memory of he and Dawson attempting to move the former in his drunken stupor. Needless to say, the effort wasn't easy.

Adam let out a low laugh as Jay tossed him the remote.

"I'll be right back," He muttered, but thankfully neither of the two guys in front of him seemed that interested.

When he made it back to his bedroom, Erin on his bed; lying on her stomach, arms folded in front of her and legs crossed over one another by the headboard.

Jay tried to open his mouth but his throat had suddenly gone dry; and against his better judgement he was walking towards the bed with Erin being the only thing in his head.

"Thank god," She rasped as she sat up, resting on her knees and throwing her hands around his shoulders. "I thought they'd never leave."

The husk to her voice was intoxicating to him. His fingertips went to her bare waist and held her softly while she kissed him with juxtaposed pressure. He felt her body sigh against his, and it was only when she went to pull him down against the bed he was pulled out of the trance.

"It's guy's night." He mumbled shakily, a looked of apology painted on his face.

She leaned back with her eyebrow creased, confusion on her face until it eventually dawned on her. "You let them in?" She gasped angrily.

"I had to, I-"

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"I promised Ruzek last week," Jay attempted to explain, his lips still tingling from her kiss.

"And you just conveniently forgot to tell me that?"

"Hey, when you showed up I could barely remember my own name, let alone plans I made a week ago."

She seemed to soften slightly at his words, although still frowning.

"One hour." Jay reasoned, his voice low and gentle. He felt her sway towards him slightly, and he riskily put a hand against her cheek.

Despite her hard eyes, she relaxed into his palm and nodded slightly. Acceptance turned to fear in a hot second though, upon remembering her undressing when she arrived.

"My shirt." She muttered shakily. "It's in there somewhere."

Jay's eyes grew gradually wider and he let out a wavering breath.

"Any idea where?"

Erin sighed and rolled her eyes at him. "I was sort of pre-occupied; Couldn't really take down co-ordinates."

Wherever the shirt was, Jay resolved he'd have to find it quickly. He wasn't sure how much attention Atwater and Ruzek paid to Lindsay's daily attire but he wasn't about to risk it.

Standing by the doorway, Halstead felt a pull on his heart as he looked back at Erin.

He forced a smile and told him with a single look that he was sorry. A thousand times over.

"On hour." He said softly.

* * *

The hour came and went slowly; painfully so. Having only gotten through the first hour of Die Hard, Jay found himself staring at the clock every few minutes, his heart sinking at the slow passing of time.

Thankfully, Erin's shirt had been easy enough to find; dropped behind one of the couches, Jay had managed to snatch it up and shove it in a drawer without Adam and Kevin suspecting a thing.

As the two guys launched into a feverish debate on the cinematographically important concept that was Die Hard, Jay felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

 _Tell me Dumb and Dumber are going soon._

He angled his phone away from sight and furrowed his brow. _With any luck._

She didn't reply, sending Jay a sinking feeling in his chest.

 _I'm sorry._

 _I'm already thinking of ways you can make it up to me._

Jay smiled, despite himself. _Such as?_

 _I guess you'll just have to wait and find out._

"Do you need me to get that?"

Jay felt Adam nudge his shoulder and he was brought back to reality. A knock at the door echoed through the apartment, and from Ruzek's request, Jay deduced that wasn't the first.

"No, I got it."

Shoving his phone back in his pocket, Jay strode towards the door and forced a smile upon revealing Dawson's face. Also sporting a six pack of beer, Antonio made his way inside and settled easily into Jay's spot on the couch. He was halfway into his first beer and joining into the Die Hard discussion before Jay could barely blink.

He excused himself lamely again, getting a mere grunt of acknowledgement from the guys.

As he slid into his bedroom, he cringed at Erin visibly breathing a sigh of relief.

"I heard the door." She said hopefully, sat on the end of his bed.

Jay grimaced as explanation, and Erin dropped backwards onto the mattress with a groan.

"I'm going stir-crazy in here, Jay." Erin said.

She then sat up, the clogs turning in her head.

"I could just make a run for it?" She thought out loud. But the look on Halstead's face told her it was impossible. Even though the guys were obsessively into the movie, they'd still notice a half-naked woman leaving his room.

Her face fell and she looked to Jay, hoping he'd have an alternative.

"We could just tell them." Jay responded.

Erin immediately shot down the idea.

"No way." She shook her head. "Even if this was the right time to do this - which it absolutely isn't - I've been in here too long by now. Do you really want the guys to think I'm some sort of hooker, lying on your bed, waiting for you?"

Jay sighed and leaned his head back against the bedroom door. His eyes travelled aimlessly to the far end of his room. A lazy smile traced his lips.

"You could... Sneak out the fire escape."

She let out a low laugh, and it melted all the tension between them.

"Scaling your building in my underwear? How could I possibly say no to that?"

Jay's smile grew across his mouth. "Hey, I'd let you borrow one of my shirts."

"Always the gentleman."

Their secret smiles faded into nothingness, just a soft gaze between them.

"You better get back out there." She noted after a few seconds. He nodded, but looked at her a moment longer. This was so not how the night was supposed to go.

"I mean it, you know." Erin remarked once Jay had turned his back. He looked over his shoulder with the shadow of a grin. "You're making this up to me."

He nodded, the smile still present. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *

The beers kept flowing and meaningless discussion continued - and Jay's only saving grace was that it was nearing the two hour mark and he could cut the evening short soon.

He sipped on his beer and, in a single moment amongst his friends, had the bizarre notion that he missed her. That, when sitting around with his co-workers, drinking and laughing, there was an ache in her heart for his partner. And he decided that he would choose being trapped in that little room with her for a second than spending all night with his friends.

With the ache in his heart only growing, Jay got up to grab a bag of chips from his kitchen, conveniently saying he'd 'be right back' after dropping them to the table.

Atwater mumbled something about dips and Jay responded back for him to check the kitchen; his vision was already clouding as he neared his bedroom door. When he was inside, all thought of chips and dips and Die Hard left his mind.

Sporting an old shirt of his, Erin was sprawled out on Jay's bed, her face buried in one of his old yearbooks.

"Snooping?" He asked, joining her as he sat on the end of the bed.

"Not much else to do in here." She grumbled back, flicking through the pages.

She looked up at him with a smile tugging on her lips. "Never pegged you for the sporto type. Lacrosse and track? I'm impressed."

"Were you on any teams in high school?"

She shook her head, closing his yearbook and sitting up next to him. "My thing was more... Getting wasted behind the bleachers and running from the principle."

"Right." Jay acknowledged with a smile. Every time she told him something about herself, it felt as though this whole thing between them got a little realer.

He landed his hand on her thigh, half on her skin and half on the material of his shirt she'd borrowed.

"D'you give the fire escape a second thought?" He laughed, moving his thumb back and forth.

"No, but ask me again after another hour." She joked, dropping her head to the space between his neck and shoulder.

Halstead relinquished a sigh of frustration and rested his head gently on top of hers.

"Movie's almost over. I'll tell them to bounce when it's finished."

He felt Erin nod beneath him, and he knew it was time to head back out there, regardless of how nice it felt to be next to her.

* * *

Jay finished his third beer and slid it onto the coffee table with the growing collection of empty bottles. So wrapped up in looking at the clock, Jay was fairly oblivious to the rolling credits on the screen.

"Robocop?" Adam suggested to the group, toying with the DVD in his hands.

While Kevin and Antonio relished the idea of starting another movie, Jay was getting tired. And he knew Erin was.

"Guys, it's getting kinda late..." Jay said, getting to his feet.

Dawson raised his eyebrow suspiciously, looking up at Halstead. "It's 9.30."

Jay began stumbling over his words, feeling all eyes on him. "Well, yeah, but... I mean, I, uh, I have plans. So-"

"Come on, dude," Adam whined as he carefully made his way over to the DVD player. "This is our first guys night in forever, don't bail on us now."

"Look, I'm sorry guys, but-"

A thick knocking interrupted Jay - not that he was being paid much attention anyway. With a sigh he went to the door, wondering who was left to join the circus act in his apartment.

It was the maybe the last person on earth who he'd suspect.

"You gonna leave me standing here all night or are you gonna invite me in?" Hank snapped as Jay stared in disbelief. He barely moved an inch to the side before Hank, and a briefcase of sorts that he was carrying, entered his apartment.

"Whatcha got there, boss?" Atwater asked, referring to the case Voight was clutching.

Voight smiled and joined the circle of guys by the television, knocking all the bottles out of the way as the case slid onto the table.

"Who's up for a game of poker?"

* * *

Jay slid through his bedroom door, just having a mere second to close it before Erin exploded in front of him.

"I'm past caring right now, okay?" She told him through gritted teeth, pacing up and down. "I don't care who the hell that was. I. Need. Out. I'm serious: I don't care who thinks what - the voices in my head are yelling at me to get out now. I'm gonna start talking to the walls, Jay. I'm leaving."

She made for the door but he stood firm, refusing to move.

"It's Voight."

Erin's anger evaporated in a second, and Jay could feel the worry radiating from her.

"Okay, new plan." She breathed, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm not leaving."

Jay puffed out a laugh, but it was all nerves. He wasn't afraid of Hank Voight, but he couldn't deny there was something oddly terrifying about having his Sergeant's pseudo-daughter stashed away in his bedroom.

"Why's he even here?" Erin asked quizzically.

Jay shook his head and gave an exasperated look. He didn't have a clue why on earth Hank would show up on his doorstep.

"Guy's night, I'm guessing. They're setting up poker right now."

Erin's pacing returned, this time out of nervousness.

"What do I do?" Jay asked, and he could tell that Erin was coming up with a gameplan, too.

"You act completely normal. It's just a guy's night. You've got this."

Jay nodded frantically. He swallowed but his throat was dry. As his hand ran across the back of his neck, he couldn't help but think back to something Lindsay had told him before.

"You said I'm a terrible liar. What if he catches on?"

"Unless he says: 'Hey Halstead, got Erin hiding in your bedroom in nothing but her underwear', you won't be lying. You'll just be... Avoiding the truth."

"Is there much difference in Voight's eyes?" Jay asked, and he suddenly realised he was panicking.

He respected whatever it was that went on between Hank and Erin - god knows he would've loved someone to take on a decent father role while he was growing up. And while he and Erin both knew it wasn't the time to tell Voight, even he knew there was a right way to do it. And the right way definitely wasn't revealing that they were in the midst of hooking up and put it on hold, waiting for people to leave.

Erin turned to Jay and could see the wariness in his eyes. She paced over to him and slid her hands to either side of his face, the roughness of his stubble prickling against her palms.

"Hey, you've got this." She told him, steadying his gaze. "You'll play some cards and they'll go home. Hank's not much of a night-owl anyway."

Jay nodded, and felt his heart become slightly lighter when she placed a chaste kiss on his lips. His heart was thudding in his chest as he went for the door, but he paused slightly. He looked back to Erin.

"We never said this would be easy, right?"

She smiled sadly and it broke his heart a little.

* * *

They played poker, and Jay sucked.

The best he'd gotten in all their games had been three sixes - something to be laughed at compared to Hank's flush. He felt distracted though, distant from the game.

"I fold." Jay admitted with a sigh, tossing his cards to the centre.

"Again?" Ruzek said with a laugh, swigging from is beer bottle. "Damn, Halstead. Step up your game, man."

Jay rolled his eyes and leaned back on the sofa.

"Poker's not really my game."

"Oh yeah? What is?" Antonio asked, looking at Jay over his cards.

Jay smiled, his mind immediately going to Erin. "Scrabble." He said confidently, wishing she was there to pop her dimples and give a grin that melted everything inside of him.

He didn't know how long he was thinking about Erin - of how she could make him smile like nobody else, how she could make his heart soar. He thought back to their inside jokes and how he wanted, more than anything, for her to be sitting there next to him.

For a second, Jay thought as though he may have spilled all his thoughts out of his mouth; he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Erin's name being said.

"No Lindsay tonight?" Kevin asked, and Jay avoided eye contact.

"No, uh, I think she had plans." His gaze flickered to Hank, who appeared to be eyeing Halstead unnervingly. "A date. I think she had a date."

Hank look pleased enough and was back to staring at his cards; Jay was satisfied.

"I'll be right back," He said vaguely, hoping he could go unnoticed and spend two - maybe three minutes with Erin.

"Where do you keep sneaking off to, man?" Antonio inquired before laying down his hand. A full house.

"I've just gotta check something." He replied, stammering slightly. "I'll be right back."

Within seconds, Jay found himself in the safe confinement of his bedroom. He closed the door and looked over to Erin, who was sat on his bed, propped up against the headboard.

"Hey," She rasped softly. She looked as tired as he felt.

"I miss you."

She smiled gently, tilting her head slightly. "I'm right here." Her eyes lingered briefly on the doorframe behind him. "How long do you have?"

"Thirty seconds?" He said, disgruntled.

"Well then," She cocked her head for him to come over and join here, despite the fact their clock was ticking. "Better make it count."

The second he was in her vicinity she kissed him; light and slow against his lips. The thirty seconds in his mind had disappeared and suddenly, there was no time frame. There was only Erin kissing him, her palms against his chest, coaxing his heartbeat into an erratic thud.

When the seconds passed, when their time slot had ended, Erin forced a smile and pushed him back slightly.

"Knock 'em dead." She whispered.

* * *

She could feel herself slowly, surely drift into the realms of madness. Maybe it was knowing how close they were to being busted; but a bigger part of her felt as though it was the absence of Jay next to her.

With a sigh, she checked the time on her phone. Again.

Only minutes had passed; minutes that felt like hours to her. She tapped her foot absently as she let her eyes wander around Jay's room, believing there must be something she could occupy herself with.

The room was fairly bare, though. Mute colours made up the walls, with basic furniture filling the space. He was a neat guy - there was a place for everything and everything had a place.

Curiosity surged through her briefly, and without a second thought Erin let her boredom dominate her actions. She pulled open his bedside drawer in search of a book, at this point not caring how boring it may be.

The search proved futile, so she moved onto the lower drawer. It creaked as she heaved it open, but she felt some of her sanity return at the literature staring up at her. She grabbed the book, not even looking at the title before moving to close the drawer.

She stopped in her tracks.

She felt the breath catch in her throat and her hands involuntarily went slack, dropping the book with a thud onto the solid hardwood floors.

* * *

All eyes were on Jay at the sound, as though he had any idea what the bang that came from his room had been. He raised his eyebrow and gently placed his cards down.

"I'm gonna..." He pointed his thumb over his shoulder towards his bedroom and awkwardly got up, leaving his unfinished sentence dangling in the air.

He didn't know what Erin was doing to make such a thud, but as soon as he closed his bedroom door he had a very vivid idea.

"What the hell was-"

He stopped dead as his eyes went to Erin's hands. In the palm of one hand she held a small rectangular gift box. In the palm of the other, the lid.

"Tell me this is for another girl you're seeing." She only-partly joked - her commitment-phobia sinking in further with each passing second.

Jay sighed and rubbed his jaw, unsure of how to explain. As the words failed him, he sauntered over to her, his eyes going to the glistening necklace he'd purchased for her only a week before.

"You were snooping."

He was waiting for her to throw something back to him, something with snark and banter. But she was too absorbed in the jewellery in her hand to retaliate.

Halstead landed his hands on his hips while she looked to him, wanting an explanation.

"Your birthday's in a couple weeks." The corners of his lips twitched in the beginning of a smile.

"I told you that you didn't have to-"

"I know." He said, taking the box from her hands and collecting the necklace in his fingertips. He took a step behind her and swept away her soft waves with his hand, the back of his fingers moving gently against the back of his neck. He brought the necklace round her front and fastened it at the back.

"Just consider this the start of me making it up to you."

And when she turned, he could see it in her eyes that this was real. That, even hiding in his room - a locked away secret, this was still the realest thing he'd ever had.

Without warning, she swept him into her arms. She held him close and tucked her head against his shoulder, their breathing being the only thing between them. They stayed like that for a second longer, before both realising that soon enough, a search party would be sent for Halstead.

Erin pulled away and let her palms rest against either side of his neck.

And for a single second, that was all that mattered.

* * *

"Alright, that's it." Dawson said with a sigh, leaning back in his chair. "You've cleaned me out."

Ruzek chimed in, too. "Yeah, I feel that. I better call Kim and tell her we're eating nothing but microwave burritos for the next couple of months."

Atwater let out a deep chuckle as he too folded, leaving only Halstead and Voight in the ring. The ring was, of course, metaphorical; although Jay certainly felt like he and Hank were on the brink of a fistfight most days.

"What do you say, Halstead?" Hank said smugly behind his endless pile of chips. "You think you got a shot?"

Jay hardened his jaw as his eyes went to his cards. A pretty good hand. No - a great hand. Very possibly a better hand than his Sergeant's. The thought of that brought a smirk to his face.

Yet, a second after his thoughts were on winning, his mind went to Erin. And suddenly the desire to upstage Voight at his own game was beaten by his desire to finally end the night.

Jay brought his lips into a genuine smile, dropping his cards to the table. "Not tonight."

So Hank cleaned up. His smug grin only grew in size as the chips and cards were gathered, but Jay didn't mind. Because slowly, Dawson got to his feet. Atwater grabbed his coat and Ruzek collected his DVDs. And although there were a few beers that needed to be finished, the fifteen minutes it took to shove everyone out his front door seemed to fly by.

"This was fun, Jay. Don't be a stranger." Antonio said as the group made their way down the corridor.

"You still got a lot of bailed-on-plans to make up for." Kevin reminded him, to which Adam nodded in agreement.

Voight let a low chuckle as they neared the end of the corridor, their voices booming off the walls. "Hey, I ain't objecting." He rattled his poker set and chuckled again. "Like taking candy from a bunch of overgrown babies."

Halstead laughed with the rest, shutting the door with a heavy slam when his guests finally left. His shoulders heaved in a great sigh in the singular second he granted himself before practically running to his bedroom.

The door was flung open and he stormed to his bed, dropping his body instantly to the comfort of the matches. He let his eyes close as he relinquished a groan - a groan of relief that he was finally where he wanted to be all night.

"At last." He mumbled against the pillow.

He heard Erin laugh beside him, the sound warming every cold part of him. Her gentle touch went to his cheek, stroking the skin in a hypnotic manner.

"It's okay." She whispered, her voice sending shivers down his spine. It was the voice he'd been waiting his whole life for. "You were worth the wait."

And he got the feeling that she wasn't just talking about that night.

She ran her touch down the line of his jaw and back up again before settling her body comfortably into his side. They fell into an easy silence before her shaky words cut through the darkness.

"I'd take this." She rasped. "I'd take a night where I get you for five minutes every hour than an entire evening with anybody else."

He rolled onto his side and opened his light blue eyes into hers. Her eyes were smiling, as though wonderstruck by the realisation she'd come to.

"I love you." She said, the words slicing through every part of him.

He broke into a grin. Maybe, he thought, the biggest grin he'd ever made.

"I love you, too."

He reached up to cup the side of her face as she laughed, and he couldn't help but thumb her dimples.

"I've got a couple of beers in my fridge and a backrub with your name on it. How does that sound?" He whispered, their face inches from one another.

"That sounds long overdue." She breathed back, catching his lips in a soft kiss just before he up and raced to the kitchen.

As Jay strode through his living room, he ignored the mess of bottles and scattered chairs. He headed straight to the two beers calling his name and brought them back to his room without a second to spare.

With a beer in each hand, he wore a smile as he re-entered his bedroom. He stopped in his tracks at the sound of Erin's deep breathing, and at the sight her eyes fluttering with each breath, he knew she was fast asleep.

He couldn't help but smile.

The beers took comfort on his dresser, and the massage had been put on hold. A much more appealing alternative was Jay bringing the duvet over Erin, and crawling into the warmth to hold her sleeping form against him. His breathing synced with hers in seconds, and before he knew it, Jay was joining his partner in a deep sleep.

And his last stream of consciousness was left only to the simple realisation that he would take a night of relentless antics and distractions every evening for the rest of his life if it meant ending the night with Erin wrapped in his arms. She was worth the wait.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


	11. All My Senses Come To Life

**Hey there! I want to apologise for the update delay - I've been stuck on a total mind block for what feels like forever. I wanted to put another chapter out there, so this is something I had written a while ago and just dug up.**

 **I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Sunlight streamed in through the window, Erin could feel it on her skin. She brought her hand up to shield the light from her face and squinted at the clock at the side of her bed.

After letting out a light yawn, she looked to her left and let out an unconscious smile.

She loved him. She was in love with him. She was broken and bruised and she was in love with him.

Jay's shallow breathing brought his chest up and down evenly, his head lolling to the side and his eyelids fluttering.

She loved his freckles and the crinkles by his eyes. She loved those eyes. She loved his messy hair and his morning smile. She loved all of him.

In that moment, between the stream of sunlight and his dreaming eyelids, Erin leaned over to her bedside drawer and withdrew what she'd been hiding.

She retrieved the key to her apartment; a copy she'd gotten made a few weeks ago. She spun it between her fingers, the morning sun bouncing off and illuminating the room in a frenzy of beams. It was a symbol of everything she wanted to say to him, but didn't have the courage to.

She looked from the key, the token of unspoken affection, to Jay. With a wider smile, she rolled onto her side and neared her face to his.

Resting on her forearms, she leaned over and trailed kisses across his jaw. She led them down his neck, soft and smooth, yet pressured enough to bring him to consciousness. She felt his jaw stretch in a smile. A smile that shattered her.

She planted a final kiss on his lips, smiling when she felt him respond.

"Morning." She whispered, groggy and hoarse. It occurred to her in that moment that there was something beautiful about her first words of the day being 'morning' to Jay Halstead. It was something she wouldn't mind doing forever.

He responded with a "Mmm", the sound from his throat coming out gravelly and rough. His eyelids softly fluttered as his eyes began to open.

"I have something for you," She whispered, trying to bite back her grin.

His eyes creased in intrigue, and she could see he was on the verge of smiling, too.

Erin held up the key before his face, watching his expression change as he observed the object in front of him.

"A key?" He took it from her fingertips and raised his left eyebrow. "To your apartment?"

"No, to my locker at the gym." She deadpanned, all the while falling further and deeper for every little aspect of him. "Yes, to my apartment."

"This is a big step." He was grinning.

"Shut up."

"You made me a copy of your key."

"I had it lying around." She shrugged, all the while her grin growing. He let out a laugh of disbelief and for that one second, everything finally felt perfect in Erin's life.

"Plus I thought it might be good for the neighbours, y'know… Not having to deal with your incessant knocking at 2am."

"Oh," He rationalised, leaning in closer. "So this is for the neighbours' benefit?"

"Absolutely." She whispered back, their lips inches from one another.

He closed the distance and rolled Erin onto her back, hovering over her. His lips moved in an achingly slow fashion, attacking her lips in the most beautiful way possible.

She let her fingers find his skin, tracing his stubble and exploring the crevices of his collar. She traced his muscles like mountains, kissed him like he was her reason to breathe. She held him close and felt her world quiet for a second.

All until the buzzing on her phone alarm elicited a moan from both of them. After a painful second, Jay lifted his body to give Erin space to move. She rolled over and turned off her new most-hated sound, taking a glance at the time.

"Ten more minutes." Jay moaned before leaning back in, tasting the curve of her neck.

Erin lost her train of thought for a second, her fingers going to the hairs on the nape of his neck.

"You've got five." She bargained with a rasp. Her skin burned when she felt him smile.

"Deal."

* * *

"Chicago PD, put your hands where I can see 'em." Erin barked as she stormed the basement. Her gun was solid in her hands, her head high. She liked this, feeling in control.

"Gun on the floor, hands in the air." She ordered, aiming her weapon at the two guys in the corner. They mumbled quickly to one another, only irritating Erin. "I am not afraid to drop you, right here, right now."

Jay reiterated something behind her to the fairly same degree. She held the gun a little higher, aiming for the perp's shoulder. A clean shot to his upper left would be easy enough if necessary.

"Let me see your hands, or I swear-"

A shot was fired and she felt her blood run cold. She didn't anticipate where from; all she knew was that Jay was on the ground and she was quivering.

Without a single beat she fired two shots, hitting both the jackasses in front of her. She then turned, got eyes on another guy behind her. He tried to pull the trigger first but he was too slow. Before any of the three could whimper in pain, Erin was onto her partner.

"Jay!"

She threw herself to him.

He was shaking and speechless, and she could feel her heart thudding as she held him. With shaky fingers she reached for his body, undoing his jacket.

He was spluttering for breath, trying to say her name. His slurred words came out cracked and fragmented and she struggled to catch any of it. It was blurry for her, her heart racing. How was she supposed to deal with this?

"Please be the vest, please be the vest, please be the vest…." She didn't know how many times she chanted it as she sought out a bullet. The words lost meaning and she lost the ability to calculate. She could hear Dawson behind her, asking something, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was tearing the vest from his body. The vest holding the bullet.

Her body deflated. She could breathe. Her hands still shook as she lifted his shirt, needing to ensure he was okay. Apart from some redness, his skin was just as she needed it to be.

Her breathing matched his, deep and shallow and exhausted.

"It got the vest." She breathed the words between them, her hands holding either side of his face as she managed a smile of relief.

"You're okay. You're gonna be okay." She barely mumbled, holding her forehead hard against his. She was afraid to let him go. Her shaky fingertips where wavering across the skin on his neck, jaw, then cheekbones. He was blinking heavily as he tried to look at her, and though she had a thousand things to say to him, her throat went dry.

"He alright?"

Erin looked behind her, red eyes flickering briefly to Antonio. "Yeah, vest took the damage."

She forced a smile and wondered if anybody else could hear her heart beating; it hammered in her chest like a drum. She swallowed thickly as her eyes then went to Voight, wavering in the doorway and looking down at the scene.

His brow was knitted in worry, but she could also see the suspicion tugging at the lines on his face.

With a deep breath, Erin set her jaw and steadied her breathing.

She could hear the unit piling in behind them, someone pulling her to her feet. Antonio and Ruzek gave Jay a hand up, and Erin felt Voight's hand on her back.

"You okay, kid?"

She nodded emphatically, avoiding Hank's eye. She looked over to Jay, his eyes squinting as he still struggled to find his breath.

* * *

An hour later, Erin still couldn't feel her lungs working properly. She was sat behind her desk, twirling her pen between her fingertips. She had some paperwork to get through, but her racing heart was against it.

Voight had sent Halstead half an hour ago, insisting that he was gonna have one hell of a bruise in the morning and to get a head start on some rest. Jay obliged, his tired eyes reflecting just how exhausted he was. A minute before he left he approached Erin, offering her a consoling smile and reassured her he was fine. That didn't help the aching in her heart, though.

"I say we call it a night." Hank muttered from beside the board, pulling down the pictures as he turned to look at Erin.

"Glad to hear it." She responded, turning to leave almost immediately. She grabbed her things and pulled on her coat, pausing for a second as she turned to look at Hank.

It would be so easy to tell him. Tell him how her heart stopped when she heard that bullet. How, with his head resting in her hands, she had to imagine a life without him as she searched for the wound. How it was impossible to think of, even for a split second.

"Somethin' on your mind?" He asked, noticing her hesitance. And there it was, that unspoken tension between them.

Her lips parted, ready to tell him. Tell him how Jay had changed her entire world.

But Jay had almost gotten shot and she was tired and all she wanted was to curl up at his side and kiss 'i love you's into his skin.

"No." She shot back. She didn't want to spend her night explaining her relationship to Voight. There was somewhere else she much rather wanted to be. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

She went straight to Jay's, but instantly noticed that his car wasn't there. Full of confusion, she pulled into reverse and headed to Molly's. His car wasn't there either, but she still took precautions.

Racing into the bar, she took a quick scan and failed to see him. She snuck out again, hoping she wasn't seen. She loved her unit, but she loved one member more. And she needed to see him.

With worry nesting in the pit of her stomach, Erin whipped out her phone as she ducked back into her car.

"Hey, it's me." She spoke, putting her keys in the ignition. "Not stalking you or anything, but wanna give me a clue about where you are? I know you're probably in a ton of pain right now and I've got something that might help… Maybe, a full body massage? Anyway, I'm heading home, so just… Give me a heads up, okay?"

She drove home with undeniable bitterness in her bloodstream. As she pulled into her parking lot, she felt the strain of the day settle in her bones.

After what felt like an eternity later, she was pushing the key into her lock and turning it, pushing open the door and closing it weightily behind her. A sigh escaped her lips, and it wasn't until a second later that she noticed the rose petals on the floor. And the dim lighting. And the smell of food radiating from her kitchen.

A smile fell from her lips. A smile that only broadened when Jay emerged into her view.

He gave her a goofy grin and held up the key that she'd given him between his fingertips.

"Thought I'd test it out." He reasoned.

She fell in love with him all over again.

"It wasn't just a key." Erin told him, stepping forward. "I thought I could give you a key and get out of saying the words. But you got shot today and it was one of the most terrifying things of my life and now I'm gonna say it, okay?"

His entranced eyes never left hers, and he gently tipped his head forward in a nod. "Okay."

She took a deep breath and stepped ever closer to him. Their chests were almost touching and she was looking into eyes so clear she felt as though she could see all of him.

"I love you."

The smile escaped his lips the minute she'd said it, as though he'd been holding his breath just waiting to hear the words.

"Is this because of my war wounds?" He asked, hooking his eyebrow.

She closed any distance between them and wrapped both arms around his neck. She couldn't hide the grin she had. And, more importantly, she didn't want to.

"Absolutely." She whispered, nuzzling her nose against his.

She could see the 'i love you' on his lips, too, and tasted it before he could speak. She stole it from his lips and held it forever.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**


	12. I'll Keep You Safe

**Hey there! Back with another update, and I've gotta say I strained to get this one finished. I've got four half written ones now and my writer's block is driving me crazy. Nevertheless, I hope you like this one!**

* * *

Erin twirled her pen between her fingers, looking far too intently at her computer screen. She felt under observation, as though every move of hers was under extreme scrutiny. She could feel Hank's watchful glare on her, waiting for her to slip up. Waiting for her to somehow, at some point, declare her undying love for Jay. He knew about their relationship - that was something she was certain of. He dropped 'hints' endlessly, throwing threats around like greetings and staring down the both of them at every opportunity.

Her phone buzzed, interrupting her stream of consciousness. She retrieved it from her pocket and saw his name flashing on the screen. How was it that a mere three letters could dissolve all the tension in her body?

She looked across to his desk and watched him attempt to conceal a smirk. She clicked open and read the words he wrote her.

 **I've got a way to make that frown disappear. Locker room. Five minutes?**

Her lips twitched as she read it; she could almost hear the mischief in his voice and feel his hands grazing her skin.

 **You sound pretty confident, there.**

 **I am.**

 **Are you forgetting the last time you suggested the locker room?**

Erin looked up and raised an eyebrow to emphasise her point.

 **I got my shirt on in time, didn't I?**

 **Barely.**

She looked up again and saw him smile. She felt something shake inside of her.

He watched as he looked down to his phone, something witty and slightly sexual playing across his mind as he began typing again. She never knew what those words were, though. Because before he could hit send, Voight was between them, glaring with a new found intensity.

"Do any of you get paid to sit on your asses all day? If so, I want a demotion." He boomed, and Erin could feel even Al on the opposite side of the room tense at the sternest to the words.

Thankfully, Erin watched as Jay pocketed his phone and avoided his Sergeant's eyeline. She wasn't condoning the way Voight had been ragging on her partner lately, but she certainly didn't want Jay to provoke anything.

"Get me some leads now before I have to start rebuilding my unit with real detectives."

Erin felt herself skating on thin ice as she stood up, knowing her speaking in the moment could make or break his mood. She grabbed her coat and threw a casual look her boss's way.

"Me and Halstead'll go canvas, see what we can find."

Erin barely finished her sentence before Hank snapped a new course of action.

"You'll go with Dawson." He stated, his eyes narrowing slightly. Knowing not to interrupt Hank while on his warpath, Erin kept her mouth shut. As she forced a nod and an appeasing look, she knew it was a personal attack.

She and Halstead were great together. There was rythmn between them that she couldn't even begin to explain, but knew that it just made everything easier. The unit worked better with him by her side.

"Jay" Voight spat his name with a tone that surged Erin with a wave of anger. "Will ride with Ruzek today."

She didn't look at Hank and she couldn't look at Jay. Anger was something she'd faced bursts of all her life, but even so, she felt venomous words on her tongue begging for the release. Hank was disturbing the dynamic of the team entirely - all to make a point.

Then let him make it.

* * *

Erin didn't want to talk during the ride. She didn't want to think either - but sadly she couldn't just close her mind like she did her lips.

Antonio had let her drive, and that had brought a smile to her face. The first since the Voight-fiasco. He said he'd watched Halstead slumped in the passenger seat and fancied giving it a try - though she knew it was just an attempt to get her mind off things.

"Take a left here." Antonio instructed. Erin was already five steps ahead of him, but she didn't let him on to that.

Halstead rarely gave directions - and if he did, it was always when doubt clouded her mind. As though he could sense when she wasn't sure. As though he was in her head.

Erin pulled into a space and put the car in park. Taking drives used to be her favourite part of the work day - for the past couple of months anyway.

 _"Come on, two minutes." She'd whispered silkily as she undid her seatbelt. Who's gonna even notice?_

 _"Trust me, Voight will. How do you know he hasn't bugged this car?"_

 _She'd laughed heartily - paranoid-Voight jokes had become a sort of inside joke between them. A joke that both knew was both amusing, and painfully real._

 _"That's a risk we're going to have to take…"_

 _Maybe crashing her lips against his for a brief passing of minutes was the only thing that made her smile that day. Maybe it was all she craved._

She followed Antonio's lead and got out the car, falling into step behind him as they neared their vic's apartment.

"Better get something good to go on." Dawson breathed into the cold air. "Voight's a real storm today, huh?"

Erin simply huffed a noise, something along the lines of 'hmmm' as they headed to the brownstone.

"Any idea what's got him like that?" Antonio pushed as they climbed the stairs together. She could feel him watching her, knowing her history with Hank but also knowing there was undeniable tension surrounding the two of them for a while now.

Erin buzzed the neighbouring apartment to their victim before tucking both hands back into her coat pockets.

"I've got a few ideas."

* * *

The meeting proved less than useless - a part of canvasing that she hated. Every so often they'd come across neighbours interested in nothing more than a little neighbourhood gossip and something to stir up some entertainment.

Erin jogged down the stairs and onto the street, pausing only to wait for her partner-of-the-day. Dawson was fine. She liked him, he was good at the job and he wasn't one for incessant small talk. Still, she felt as though something was missing.

"Round two." Antonio sighed as they headed to the next set of homes. Erin heaved a sigh and pushed herself onwards. At the sound of a phone ringing, she stopped in her stride.

The ringtone wasn't recognisable so she turned and watched as Dawson retrieved his phone. Immediately accepting the call, he pressed it to his ear.

"Yeah?" He said as way of greeting.

Curiosity took over; she watched with intrigue as his face tensed and his jaw fell slack slightly. His eyes landed on Erin and without hearing what it even was, she could feel her heart sink.

"Uh, okay." He muttered. "Yeah. We'll be right there."

Ending the call, he dropped his hand to his side and wasted no time in sharing the news.

"It's Halstead."

* * *

She let Antonio drive. Or rather, the decision wasn't in her hands. He headed for the driver's seat and she breathed an inward sigh of relief, knowing with her hands shaking as much as they were she wasn't in the best state of controlling a vehicle.

She balled her hands into fists, needing to stop the shaking desperately. The car sped up, but it wasn't fast enough. She needed to be there, right that second.

Chicago Med was there waiting for her, and twelve minutes later when they arrived, Erin barely waited for the car to slow to a stop before she was out and running.

She practically threw herself onto the front desk, winded and out of breath. She slammed her badge onto the desk and spoke with a tone that conveyed little room for small talk.

"Detective Lindsay. I'm with Intelligence."

As soon as she got a general direction, she was off. Corridors and hallways were winding and they all appeared annoyingly alike. If she thought about it, waiting for Antonio would have been the smartest move. But she was in Chicago Med with news that Jay was there and she didn't really care about being smart.

She pushed past nurses and doctors, turned a quick corner and there they were. Her team. Once they saw her, voices were flying in every direction. She only had one agenda to take care of first, though.

With all the strength she could muster she slammed her palms into Adam's chest, knocking him backwards.

"What the hell happened?" She screamed.

Ruzek swallowed as he steadied himself from the blow, endless apologies in his eyes.

"I turned away for a second and this guy got the jump on him."

 _You're were supposed to be his partner!_ She wanted to scream. But her brain was scrambling.

"He's fine, Erin." Vought's voice radiated to her, but if anything it only angered her further.

Adam was still looking at her with pleading eyes. "He's fine." He echoed. His eyes peeled from her to his right, to the hospital room. He nudged his head as though to say, 'go on, check for yourself.'

Erin didn't want to speak to any of them, a point only emphasised as she walked passed them and towards the hospital room door. Before she made it there, she felt Hank's hold on her arm; a gentle, comforting touch. But she shrugged it off within a second.

Erin opened the door and felt everything inside of her intense at the sight of him. He was sat on the edge of the bed, and his eyes went straight to her.

"Hey," He said, eyes lit up like a christmas tree.

It was several seconds later before Erin could dare to look away, but when she did, her eyes were greeted with the sight of a second Halstead.

"I'll give you two a minute." He said, and she could hear the smile in his voice.

She offered a smile as he passed her, grateful for him knowing that she needed Jay to herself for a second. If only to make sure he was okay.

She sighed again, needing to get all the relief out of her system.

"What happened?" She asked, softness in every crevice of her voice.

He dropped his head slowly and let out a quick shrug. "I should've been paying attention. It was stupid."

In a second she was pressed against him, standing between his legs and her arms hauled around his shoulders. They stayed like that for what felt like minutes - and even that wasn't long enough.

Finally, she pulled away but kept the touch there. She held her hands at either side of his face and turned it softly from side to side. There was a cut by his left eye, neatly stitched up. Will clearly had good handiwork - she'd thank him for that later. His right cheekbone was a deep red and there was a scrape across his jaw. But it wasn't anything that wouldn't heal.

She knew that wasn't it, though. He wouldn't be brought into Chicago Med for a cut and graze.

"Show me." She said, still gently but with little room for compromise.

His jaw set and he gave a deep sigh, but reluctantly lifted up his shirt. Her eyes naturally went to the uneven colouring on his skin, bruises that would form tomorrow. But there, on his lower right side, was a thick square bandage taped to his skin.

She looked to him for permission, to which he obliged with a single glance. Her fingertips went to the tape and pulled it away, only at one corner to assess the damage.

A knife wound.

Deep, but in a concentrated area.

"A knife?" She said, and even the words hurt her.

"He pulled it from his back pocket. I should've been quicker."

The skin was pulled taut as stitches held the wounded skin together. She pressed the tape back into place and pulled his shirt down over his chest. With another sigh, her eyes fell closed and she dropped her hands. He caught them in a second, encasing them with her own.

"It wasn't Ruzek's fault." He said, as though reading her mind.

"I know." She whispered into the space between them.

It may not have been Ruzek's fault, but there was one thing Erin knew for definite; if she was with him, Jay never would've ended up in Chicago Med.

She felt his calloused hands squeezed hers, reassuring. The mere touch was everything.

"I missed you today. Partner." He said, and all she could see in his grin was love.

It was insane; they'd barely been separated a couple of hours and yet she'd missed him, too. Without thinking, her fingers went to his hair, smoothing it down and letting her breathing slow against his. She was going to be his partner tomorrow. She was going to be his partner, if it took all she had.

* * *

Against his persistent demands, Halstead was send home straight from the hospital. And although Erin offered a reassuring smile as she left with the rest of the unit, she couldn't help but feel relief radiate through her bones at the thought of him being out of the action, if only for a few hours.

He'd caught her before the unit headed back to the precinct, brushing subtly against her and muttering gently in the space between them, "I'll see you later?" There was mischief in his dark eyes and she nodded immediately, her eyes turning soft at the prospect.

Back at the precinct, work was slow. Tension seemed only heightened, though; and Erin was glad that her colleagues seemed to be keeping out of her way. It was only at six, when they decided to call it a night and she gave everyone in the room a pleasant farewell that she came alive. Alive; with dread coursing through her veins and sorrow filling her chest.

She let herself into his office, pressed the door neatly closed behind her. There was a silence encompassing her that unnerved them both, but she was determined to push through.

She folded her arms and swallowed.

"I need to speak to you."

He put his pen down and copied her movement, arms pressed tightly together. "I'm all ears."

"What happened today..." She drifted forward as she spoke, her head dropping slightly. "That's not gonna happen again."

She could see the flicker of something in his eyes; challenging, urging. She licked her lips and kept her voice steady.

"I'm his partner. Always."

Voight remained silent and she was thankful; she needed to get this out and she didn't want to mark it harder than it needed to be.

"I'm not gonna beat around the bush because we both know what's going on here. And what happened today... It made me realise something. That I'm in love with him."

Hank's eyebrows raised and she could see by the lines on his face that he wasn't expecting it. Maybe he knew what was going on, maybe he was sure of her feelings, but he knew Erin. He knew how guarded she was, how hard it was for her to vocalise her feelings.

"I love him, okay? And I need you to know that this was never about you, Hank. I left for the task force and this window of opportunity opened and... We took it. It was never about you."

His eyes remained steady on hers, unyielding. It pushed her to continue.

"These past couple of months, I've been happier than I've been in a long time..." She looked away, somewhat wistfully as hundreds of memories flooded back to her. Pain throbbed in her chest. "But I need him to be safe more than I need to be happy."

The words came out harder than she intended, slicing through the thick air between them.

"So, you keep him as my partner, and I'll end it."

Nobody dared move and nobody spoke. But the more time she spent there, the sicker she felt. So after a few painful moments, she opened the door and sought release, but not before flickering her head back to her Sergeant, her boss, the only father figure she'd ever known, and spoke with such a hollowness the voice didn't even sound like her own.

"Congratulations. You win."

* * *

She stood in front of the mirror, adjusting her earrings and the sad smile that took over her face. It felt like the end.

She rested her hands on the sink and took a deep breath. He didn't deserve this. She was being selfish, she knew; but she just wanted one more night where she could pretend nothing was going to change.

So she put on a brave face, grabbed her phone, coat and keys and headed out.

The icy wind hit her hard when she exited the building, and all she could think of was Jay's warm sheets and impossibly fiery body that seemed to only raise in temperature through the night. Like her own personal furnace she could hold when the Chicago cold got to her.

 _Don't._ She told herself. _Don't think about that._

In fact, she was trying so hard not to think about him, that her eyes almost skimmed over Voight's car sitting in the parking lot. Almost.

She sighed, wishing desperately that she didn't have to spend any more moments that night with her heart aching. But if she was going to have a night of pretending, she needed at least five minutes of being real. So she strode over and sunk into his passenger seat.

"Keepin' tabs on me now?" She asked. But there was no snark to her voice, she was just tired.

He didn't answer, instead looked right ahead.

"Just let me have tonight, okay?" There was a hint of pleading in her tone, but she didn't care.

"You remember when I found you? In that den." He started slowly, and it was maybe the last thing she expected him to say. "Everyone ran and left you to clean up the mess. You were only a kid. A scrawny, smart ass little kid."

She wanted to object on the description, but decided against it. She wanted to see where he was going with this.

"I'd been making some bad choices in the precinct around that time, and… Coulda' done with hauling you and that stash in. You remember how much there was. Stacks of it."

Of course she remembered.

"Anyway, I took you home. God knows why." She smiled, despite herself. She remembered that night vividly. "Cleaned you up, let you rifle through my fridge for a couple hours… God, you could eat. 'Told Camille that I'd only seen guys at the club eat that much after a few smokes."

A smile fell across his lips the second he said her name, and Erin could feel his heart grow lighter for a second.

"Justin wasn't happy, but that's just 'cos you threw it back to him as good as he could give it out. Remember how I introduced you? 'Smartass meet Smartass." She laughed with him then, picturing the scowl on young Justin's face. She could see it as though it had only happened yesterday. He went quiet again, contemplative. A nostalgic atmosphere engulfed the two of them.

"Camille sat me down later. Asked what I was gonna do." He rubbed his jaw, as though feeling his dilemma then just as he had then. "Always was my moral compass, that one. I told her about work, 'bout what it could mean for my career. And she said…. She said, 'make an exception.'"

He turned to Erin, and she could maybe see glistening in the white of his eyes.

"So I did." His voice hushed to a calm tone. "And… I've got a feelin' that if she was here tonight, she'd be telling me to make another one."

Erin swallowed, not truly believing it.

Maybe Hank had had the same difficulty she had; debating with personal happiness or Camille's safety. Maybe he just knew what Jay meant to her. Whatever it was - she was greatful. More grateful than she could put into words.

"Don't start gettin' all emotional on me now, kid." He said quickly, she guessed before she started rambling something sentimental. "Just keep the PDA to a minimal in the office, and I'll be good."

Erin laughed, a deep chuckle that rattled her chest. She saw Hank smile too, and the moment slowed as she leaned over to put her hand over his.

"Thank you."

His head tipped in a slight nod, but he swiftly added, "Don't thank me."

And she knew exactly what he meant. She should thank Camille.

* * *

 **Kinda cheesy and cliche, but hopefully it was a fun read! Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing these chapters, it means the world, thank you!**


	13. I'll Go Wherever You Will Go

**Hi there! Sorry for the slow coming updates, I'm gradually getting stuff done! Anyway, this one's got some flaws (believe me, I know) but I kind of like it so I just decided to post it. Hope you like it!**

* * *

Jay tightened his hold on the gun, his eyes narrowing as Erin muttered a solid "clear" to his right. He gripped the handle to the door on the left and swung it open, returning both hands to his gun as his eyes efficiently searched the room.

"Clear."

They surged ahead to the far bedroom, where Jay took the lead and paused behind the pine door.

"Chicago PD." He shouted before waiting a solid three seconds before ramming open the door, to which an empty room was laid out before them.

The room was neatly kept, tidy at first glance. Everything appeared to be where it should, the only thing unsettling being the harsh, relentless cry. The cry of an infant.

"Lindsay."

"Hmm?"

"You hear that?"

She furrowed her brow as they looked at each other, confused as to where the sound was being emitted from. Erin kept her gun level as she did a sweep of the room, while Halstead remained where he was, trying to gauge it by sound.

With constant hesitation, he found himself heading for the closet. He reached for the handle and held his hand there for a single second, his touch lingering before he whipped the door open and brought his hands back to his gun.

"Erin," He breathed, his eyes never leaving the wailing child kicking in her carrier.

He felt her by his side, and he could hear her intake of breath even above the incessant crying.

* * *

"So Quinn goes AWAL, with a hundred grand's worth of cocaine, and leaves a baby in his closet," Hank barked at his unit from his doorway. "And now, you're telling me that the kid's not even Quinn's?"

They mumbled awkwardly in acknowledgement, nobody particularly wanting to make eye contact with their Sergeant.

"They're not a match." Antonio stated in agreement with Voight's statement. "We're looking into anybody in his life who could have a child, and a motive for Quinn to abduct them."

Hank grunted at the information and turned to look at the others.

"Get me some leads. Now."

Erin reached for her phone right away, ready to key in a CI's number who she thought may have been of use. As she did, all eyes went to the baby present atop of Atwater's desk in the centre of the room.

"Where the hell is Child Protective Services?" Hank shouted above the screams.

"Woman's stuck in traffic." Ruzek answered, his face contorted at the sound.

"Well someone take the kid downstairs. Can't think straight with that noise."

"With all due respect Sergeant, I'm not gonna be the one to tell Platt that she's on babysitting duty." Adam noted, his voice unwavering. Voight paused as he contemplated, similarly understanding that he too wasn't too sold on that option.

"Guess you lot are on babysitting duty 'til Protective Services gets there, then." He had the glint of a smirk as he retreated to his office, firmly shutting the door to drown out the noise.

"Great." Kevin mumbled, pressing his hands of his ears.

With a sigh Erin began dialling her CI's number, but not before Adam motioned to her from across the room.

"What?" She snapped.

He awkwardly pointed to the infant and offered a half-hearted shrug.

"You're a woman. I just... I thought maybe-"

"You thought that since I have a uterus that makes me the baby whisperer?" Erin said, earning a snicker from Jay at his desk. "Just pick her up, idiot." She finished before her CI picked up.

Ruzek accepted the challenge. He rounded on his desk and headed to the carrier, unstrapping the baby and bringing her awkwardly to his chest. His whole body bounced and swayed in one continual motion which, if anything, only unsettled her further.

"You really repel all females then, huh, Ruzek?" Dawson said with a laugh, standing from his desk. Adam shot him a dirty look which then turned to fear as he watched Olinsky pass him and join Dawson; the two of them heading for the stairs.

"Hey, you two are actual dads. Where the hell are you going?"

"Check and see if the neighbours heard anything," Antonio clarified with a smirk. "We'll be back soon."

"Al!" Adam shouted with desperation. "Come on, man."

Alvin smirked as he started down the staircase. "You got this, kid."

The two left, chuckling. It left Lindsay at her desk, struggling to hear her phone, Halstead, contemplating jamming a pen into his head to ease the pain, Atwater, thinking of his happy place, and Ruzek, in need of some pain killers.

He bounced her faster in his arms as he started pacing past the desks. He was going a dark red as the wailing began taking its toll on his patience, until finally he could take no more.

"Jay, here," He leaned over Halstead, dangling the infant loosely in his arms.

"Woah, hey-" Jay didn't have time to object before he had the screaming girl fighting against his hold, her face almost purple with frustration and soaked in tears. He rose from his chair, but Ruzek was backing away, mumbling something that was drowned out by the screams.

Halstead rolled his eyes and decided to instead try to make the best of the situation. He repositioned his hold, bringing one arm under her chubby thighs and the other solidly around her middle.

He took her to the break room and tried sitting down in there, but she proved just as restless. So, he instead began pacing. The way he held her changed several times, until he finally settled on holding her tight against him, her head tucked into the crook of his neck.

He then settled into an ebb and flow of sorts; his 'shh's fell into a soothing pattern, as did his rocking her.

And then somehow, somewhere along the endless rocking, the screaming subsided.

Shocked at the sudden silence, Ruzek reappeared and popped his head round the break room door.

"Have I gone deaf?" Jay looked up and smiled. "Dude, forget Lindsay. You're totally the baby whisperer."

* * *

Since she'd calmed down, the redness in her cheeks had subsided and her eyes were no longer swimming in tears. She had big eyes, Jay noted; large brown ones that seemed to get bigger each time he looked at them. She had a little button nose and thin lips, though she babbled endlessly.

Jay had her sat in his lap, and she wiggled there as he bounced his knee up and down. After around half an hour, he stopped counting the minutes. He didn't know where the hell the woman from Protective Services was, but after regaining his ability to hear again, the thought wasn't too pressing on his mind.

"Coffee?"

He snapped his head up to see Erin looking at him, holding the coffee pot up.

He let out a smile and nodded, and she turned to pour him one.

As she did, she felt a tension in her chest. She pushed it down and placed his coffee on the table, before putting a safe distance between them and returning to the counter. She leaned against it and folded her arms across her chest, watching as the child in his arms babbled nonsense. He looked completely enamoured.

"Hey, watch this." He told her with a beam.

Erin watched as Halstead's fingers went to the little girl's sides, where he began tickling gently. She burst into a fit of giggles instantly, her tiny pink fists flying as her entire body shook.

Jay was chuckling with her, his entire face lit up at the sight. Erin swallowed and tried to suppress the sadness she felt. However when Jay looked up, his smile fading, she knew it was evident on her face.

"You wanna hold her?" He asked gently, but she shook her head instantly.

"I've got some paperwork to take care of." She said, trying to sound disheartened.

A second later, she was gone.

* * *

She had that baby smell.

Jay hadn't spent much time around kids - even less around babies. So he wasn't too familiar with what was deemed the 'baby smell.' But as he leant his face above her head, the soft wisps of her hair tickling his skin, he knew instantly that he was inhaling the scent that all mothers raved about.

"So, anyway, we pull up to the scene and I'm diving from the car and when I take a second to look back, I see that it's rolling forwards right for us. So Ruzek, the idiot that he is, forgot to put it in park and has to run back before he runs over a cat or an old lady while I'm chasing our perp..."

Jay spoke animatedly, continually bouncing his knee up and down as he recalled the memory. She was starting to get fussy, and though she still rambled incoherently, Jay had learnt that she seemed most soothed when he spoke. So he did.

He told her random tidbits and smiled when she lit up to his voice. As she babbled, she wrapped her fingers tightly around his, as though holding on for dear life.

"For the record, no cats were injured and the old lady was fine after I apologised." Ruzek spoke up from the doorway, taking a few steps in before kneeling down in front of Jay and the infant in his lap.

"Hey there," He mumbled softly, holding her small fist and shaking it lightly. His eyes then went to Jay. "You're really good at this. Kid stuff. If me and Kim ever have any, you'll definitely be first in mind for a babysitter."

"Gee thanks." Halstead remarked, but smiled despite himself.

"What about you, anyway?" Adam continued, lifting himself from the floor and onto the chair opposite Jay. "You want kids?"

Jay's brow knitted as he thought. He never really looked further into the future than the next day, wanting to take things one step at a time. For a single second, he let himself visualise soccer meets and bike rides, spelling bees and finger painting. Did he want that? Did he want sleepless nights with 2am feeds and beeping baby monitors? Did he want a little version of himself to teach right and wrong, to love in the face of hardship? Did he want the chance to be a father, to be a better father than his own had been?

He didn't answer, because before he could, Erin cleared her throat from the doorway. She looked uncomfortable and distant, and Jay noted how she'd been off for most of the day.

"I got a lead." She said lowly. "I'm gonna go check it out."

Jay nodded, immediately feeling a thick tension in the room. "Yeah, okay. Just give me a second-"

He got up from the chair, holding the girl in his arms awkwardly. His fast movements startled her, and she began stirring as she neared a low howl. A soft crying ensued, but before he could take a single step, Erin shut him down.

"Actually... Me and Atwater are gonna take this one." Erin's voice rose to compete with the crying while her eyes remained on Jay's, wary.

Despite his confusion at what was transpiring, he was determined to keep his voice even and expression steady. He started rocking the infant in his arms and tried to stay calm.

"Alright." He acknowledged, his eyes remaining narrow as she forced a smile and awkwardly left. He watched as Kevin left his desk and followed her down the stairs, in the suit that Jay would normally take.

"Shhhh..." He muttered softly as he rubbed her back, holding her close. His eyes were still on the doorway, wondering if maybe he stared at it long enough he would get answers for why Erin was shutting him out.

"Dude, looks like you've been replaced." Ruzek joked, heading out of the breakroom to escape the endless crying. "You'd better start looking at babysitting gigs sooner than you thought."

* * *

He was still confused about Erin's behaviour, but tried not to overthink it. It was hard not to think, though, when he had a sleeping child on him.

He was in his desk chair, his legs propped up on his desk with his newest friend sprawled tight against his chest, his arm supporting her body. Her tiny chest rose and fell evenly, and Jay couldn't help but watch her minuscule eyelids twitch as she dreamt.

Somehow, since Lindsay and Atwater had made their hasty exit, so had everyone else. It was almost half an hour later when Dawson and Olinsky returned, and both relished the sight of Halstead and the precinct's newest member. The two dectives weren't alone, either, and brought trailing them a woman in a pantsuit, clutching a baby carrier.

"Looks like someone's had a productive afternoon." Antonio said, nearing Jay's desk with a smirk. "Hate to ruin your bonding time but I think it's time to say goodbye."

Olinsky rounded Jay's desk with a smirk, his eyes flicking briefly to the woman standing next to Dawson. "Platt had her waiting downstairs for an hour," He muttered with a smirk.

Jay rolled his eyes, and expected something akin to annoyance to surface inside of him. But the feeling never came, and instead he felt something more like sadness as he handed over the now waking child to the woman in front of him.

In almost perfect timing, he heard the clacking of boots climbing the stairs and the sight of Erin fade into view. Even from across the room he could feel her body tense, and he forced himself not to look at her as she awkwardly made her way to her desk.

"What's gonna happen to her now?" Jay asked, standing from his chair as the woman began strapping the young girl into the carrier. She rose to her feet with a reassuring smile.

"You don't need to worry, Detective." She assured Jay. "She's in good hands."

He smiled in acknowledgement, but still felt unnerved. The feeling only grew as crying encapsulated the room, a sound that acted as a catalyst for the Protective Services lady to make a hasty exit.

Halstead stood watching as they left, realising it had been only a mere couple of hours that he had been on babysitting duty. It had felt much longer and despite his intentions, he couldn't deny the attachment that had formed in such a temporary time slot.

He didn't have time to linger on the subject for much longer - his attention was captured by Erin's quick departure to the locker room.

The rational part of him decided on giving her space, letting her work out whatever issues she was dealing with by herself first before intervening. But the realistic part of him was tired of her zoning in and out of their relationship, fading out at opportune times when she needed to. So, against his better judgement, he strode to the locker room to confront her.

* * *

She couldn't breathe in that room, watching the look of sadness on his face unfurl as he let go of his pseudo daughter for the day. It hurt too much to watch, and thinking about it minutes later in the silence of the locker room only tore up what was left of her inside.

She opened her locker and took a few deep breaths. Breaths that didn't last long, and were interrupted by his presence. She knew it was him; even with her back to him, even with her eyes shut and her mind blocking out the world, she could still tell it was him.

"You gonna tell me what's going on here?" He asked, and she wished more than anything she could just slip away and avoid the whole conversation.

Giving herself a second to pull it all together, Erin closed her locker and turned around, folding her arms over her chest.

She looked at her partner and felt her heart just break at the sight. How was it that he could make her impossibly happy and endlessly sad all at once?

"Erin."

God, the way he said her name.

"That's not gonna be us, okay?" She blurted out, pain in every octave of her voice. She watched him frown in confusion, and it killed her to have to do this.

"Look, I..." She stepped forward slightly, rocking on her heels and fiddling awkwardly with her fingers. "I love you."

The frown was gone. His face lit up and he stepped closer to her. It just made everything hurt that much more. "I love y-"

"No, please. Just, let me get through this, okay?"

The bewilderment returned, but he still had a hazy smile on his face. She wondered how many words away she was from wiping that away completely.

"I love you so much that sometimes I forget we're not in a normal relationship. But today... Watching you, I just realised that... That's not gonna be us, Jay."

"Catch me up, here." He urged, taking another step closer. She took one back.

"You want kids." She said, exasperated.

His face shook, as though he'd just had a lie caught out. His arms folded and he rubbed the stubble along his jaw. She wanted more than anything to do that right now.

"I never said that."

Her sad eyes were straining under the gaze of his. With a sad voice, her tone cracked in response. "You didn't have to."

They went silent for a second, and it ate them both alive. But she could see it in his face; he was ready to fight for her. She just wished it was enough.

"You're overreacting, okay?" There was begging in his voice. "It was one afternoon-"

"I'm not gonna be the person who stops you from having a family." She said with a resolute tone.

"Erin, don't-"

"You'll wake up one day and resent me for it. You say you won't, but we both know you will."

He could feel it coming. "Just listen to me-" He began, pleading.

"I can't do this anymore."

The silence swallowed them both whole, taking anything and everything with it. His eyes burned into hers and she could see him willing her to take it back, to unbreak his heart.

"I don't want kids." He said, his voice unwavering despite the uncertainty hovering in his head.

"Don't. Please, just don't lie to me."

Something came alive inside of him, and Jay's voice grew as he neared her slightly. "Erin, any future I want doesn't matter if you're not there with me. It doesn't mean a thing if it's not with you."

He swore she was seconds from crying. Maybe he was, too. By the time his voice faded into the darkness, Erin couldn't even look at him.

He felt himself tremble as he went on, wondering how what the two of them had built together was so fragile it could face ruin over a small child.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to be a mom." He said, fire in his voice. "Not that you're scared or doubtful, just that it isn't what you want. Tell me that and I'll go."

She found the courage to look at him again, and he saw it in a second. She always was an open book to him, and by the mere flicker of her eyes he had his answer.

He resisted the urge to touch her, offer consolation in the graze of his skin against hers.

"I'm scared, too." His voice simmered down, so soft she felt goosebumps lace her skin. He took a chance and moved so he was in front of her, looking down with eyes that were full of compassion. "Terrified, actually."

Erin snorted a laugh, but her brow was still hard in a frown. She couldn't look him in the eye.

"I've seen you, Erin." He went on, and she could feel him move closer, invade her space. "With kids. I've seen you. You're... You're not Bunny."

She looked him in the eye, hers glistening with almost-tears. She bit down softly on her lip and wanted to believe him. Jay reached out a hand and held hers, holding it in the space between them and rubbing a thumb across her knuckles.

"I'm not saying I want a kid tomorrow. I might not want one ever. All I want is you."

Without thinking she gave in and let her hands rest at either side of his face, fingertips grazing against his hair. She didn't know how he could do it; see the good shine out of her when she felt like a black hole most days.

"I do love you." She whispered. "I just want you to be happy."

" _You_ make me happy. I love _you_."

"Just promise me something."

Jay nodded, watching her eyes fall and rise back to him.

"If this isn't ever enough, then go. You don't need to explain anything. If you ever want more than what I can give you-"

He broke off her words with a searing kiss, silencing her pointless worrying with everything he had. He knew his partner; her insecurities and concerns. He knew anything he'd tell her wouldn't ease her restless mind, not that day at least. So he kissed her, brushing a hand across her waist to pull them tight together.

"I promise." He said after a moment. He promised, even though in his heart he knew that he would never want more than Erin could give him.

* * *

 **So first things first, I know this is maybe as AU as they come! Let's not discuss the fact that never in a million years would a baby be stuck up in Intelligence. But hey, this is fanfiction and sharing wacky ideas is what this site's for, right? I actually had this idea originally about a year ago, with the team finding a baby and Voight ordering Lindsay and Halstead to look after it with all the fluffy goodness that comes with it. That's still an idea that I might still attempt, but this kind of just took off from me and before I knew it I had a story written.**

 **Despite the obvious plot holes that I had to address, I hope this was a fun read!**

 **I'm so excited for September 30th, and I'm going to try and get as much as I can written before the premier!**


	14. Let Him Go

**Hey there! I totally meant to update a couple of days ago but I got the idea for another story and totally got hung up on it. I'm super excited about it, even if I'm only in the beginning stages of writing. Nevertheless, I've got a soft spot for these one shots so fear not!**

 **Side Note: to ako94 and anybody else who was wondering, I did have some internal conflict about chapter 12. I didn't know whether or not Erin dropping the L-bomb to Voight instead of Jay was cheating this collection or not... I double checked the story summary and I did put that Erin was confessing love 'for' rather than 'to' Jay, and that was basically my decider. I just wanted to do something a little different so my writing doesn't subconsciously get too repetitive. (I have one other chapter half written where she confesses to Voight.) I can understand how it doesn't have the same appeal as when she tells Jay she loves him directly, but I hope they're still somewhat entertaining.**

 **And now for this chapter - this is placed sometime after the 'cooling off' period. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Jay toyed with the beer glass between his hands, peeling at the label. In between laughter erupting throughout the bar, Halstead's mind crept back to the events of the day.

He took a swig and swallowed, hard.

It was times like this where he wished he and Lindsay weren't so complicated; where he could show up at her place and feel everything cold inside of him melt when she held him, telling him he was good police and he did all that he could.

His mind was elsewhere; somewhere between their perp's splattered brains across the wall and Erin's fingertips across his spine.

"Excuse me..."

Jay snapped his attention to his right, startled. His expression softened upon seeing the woman standing hesitantly next to him. She had a warm smile. And it made Jay breathe.

"Is this seat taken?" She continued hesitantly.

"No, go ahead."

She slid onto the stool next to Jay, purse on her lap. Jay turned back ahead to his beer, nerves tense.

"Rough day?" She inquired, a soft, hesitant voice.

Jay looked at her for a second. She looked simple and sweet and possibly as far from complicated as there was. She looked like she was baggage-free, the product of a happy, atypical childhood. She looked like she'd say 'I love you' first and cry at sad movies. She had lips that were small and could probably kiss well, lips that would whisper how important you were to her. She looked like she'd choose you above others. Maybe that's all Jay wanted.

"Something like that." Jay responded, his voice thick with a rasp. She smiled as he spoke. He smiled back.

* * *

Erin stared down the bottle of her glass. She felt sick.

While the rational part of her brain told her to get over it and order another drink, the rest of her couldn't stop staring at Jay. The way he was with someone; smiling and talking and drinking. Even under the hazy bar lights she could see the genuine nature of his smile.

She finished her whisky, oddly savouring the burning. Maybe she wanted to feel something.

"You need to be less obvious, y'know."

She didn't even hear Antonio creep onto the stool next to her, much less feel his whisper near her ear. At the sound of his voice, she leapt alive.

"What?" Erin feigned confusion, turning to look Dawson in the eye.

There was a sad smile on the detectives face, and Erin felt something inside of her drop when he turned his head to look across the bar. To the same place Lindsay had been staring since she got there.

"Voight figured it out, huh?"

Erin steadied her eyes, desperate to talk to someone but aware of her inability to do so.

With a sigh she let her eyes flicker back to her partner, fully aware that he'd moved an inch closer to the woman next to him.

"Something like that." She mumbled, something weighing down on her.

She wanted to tell Dawson everything that had happened; their fluctuation in bravery when it came to Voight, the moments that even she psyched herself up to tell him. She wanted to release her thoughts on the times when she almost reached for Jay's hand in when she needed the touch, or came close to kissing him when he said something that made her feel remotely alive.

"How long were you two..."

Erin exhaled, not wanting to admit it. "Little over a month."

Because a month was nothing. A month was a mere blip in a life. So how could she possibly convey the multitudinous impact that measly month had had on her entire existence?

Antonio's lip twitched with a sad smile. "Me and Laura had fifteen years. Time 'aint everything."

"Would you go back, if you could? Would you do things differently?"

He grinned. "Hey, my life turned out pretty good. Great job, beautiful kids..." He looked past Erin and paused for a second. "When you love someone, you want to be the one to make them happy. When you really love someone, you don't care who does."

Erin swallowed the lump in her throat, heavy eyes landing on her partner. He was smiling. She could feel the beat of her heart echo in her chest.

"How did you get over it?" She looked back at Antonio, desperation in her glance.

Dawson relinquished a sad tug of the lips, unwavering. "I'll let you know when I do."

Lindsay let out a pained breath, sinking for a second. She wanted to be over it. Over him. She wanted to not tear with fury as he leaned in closer to the blonde at the bar. She wanted to not be tempted to storm over and meld their faces together, making him hers. She wanted to be okay.

* * *

"Detective, huh?" Sarah mumbled. Jay ran her name over in his head. Sarah. Sarah was a simple name. Sarah wasn't complicated. "I'm impressed."

He smiled. "What do you do?"

"I'm a teacher."

He smiled again. She looked like a teacher, third grade maybe. She looked gentle.

"Isn't it a school night?" He asked, soft voice.

"Maybe I'm feeling a little rebellious." There was mischief to her tone. And he thought of Erin. Mischief was always something she'd managed so easily.

* * *

Erin downed another shot. She scanned the bar, looking for a guy. Wanting to be self destructive. Or maybe she wanted Jay to feel what she was feeling. Like her insides were being twisted and he was holding the knife.

The woman he was with, whoever she was, looked good for him. She couldn't deny that, despite the pain it caused. Maybe she was a pharmacist or a librarian. Maybe she didn't have a father figure who would cause ruin to anything she and Jay shared. Maybe she was could love him like he deserved to be loved.

She had a splitting headache. Antonio was back with another beer, but even that seemed unappealing.

What was the pain in her chest? What was the pounding in her head? Was this love? Had it always been love?

Antonio said something but she wasn't listening. She could feel Jay's hands across her sides, voice in her ear. She could hear him mumbling, messy and chaotic and perfect. She could see his eyes and feel his breath and remember everything between them.

"Come on," Dawson came into focus. "Let's get outta here. I'll give you a ride."

"I can't."

She could stop looking. They were closer. Their knees were touching. He was smiling. She was flirting.

* * *

He didn't want to think of Erin, so instead he thought of Sarah. She touched his hand, and he wished more than anything he'd feel the same he did when he touched Erin. Like he was on fire. Like the world was going to end.

He drank another gulp from his glass. His head was pounding.

Her eyes were green and bright, longingly looking into his. But all he could think of was his partner.

"I think I'd better get going." Jay finally said, trusting the pain in his chest to call it a night. Sarah looked disheartened slightly, and he felt bad. Because maybe she could've been good for him. But he knew there was only one person he wanted to end the night with. And anyone else would've been a consolation prize. "It was nice meeting you."

They rose from their stools, standing awkwardly for a second. Sarah swayed back on her heels before quickly digging through her purse. She retrieved a pen and reached for Jay's hand.

"If you ever need someone to talk to, or someone to have dinner with, or... A tutor..." Jay smiled. "Call me."

He looked down at his hand, her phone number scrawled across his palm. His hand curled into a fist.

* * *

Erin felt sick.

"I'm gonna get a cab home," Erin mumbled aimlessly to Antonio as she grabbed her coat. She needed to clear her head.

"Hey," Dawson grabbed her arm. "Sweat it out." He pressed a set of keys into her hand and offered a sad smile.

* * *

She punched the bag. Once for Jay. Twice for her. It **ricocheted** back to her and she pummelled it harder, needing the release.

The gym was empty and dark, save for a single light that beamed overhead the dusty place. Dawson needed to clean it up, but Erin liked the rustic appearance, the rawness to it.

She punched harder this time, a grunt leaving her lips at the movement. The bag swung and she gripped it with both hands, steadying herself and taking a second to let her breathing even out. Her fingers tensed, stretching the white tape across her hands and she rolled her shoulder a couple of times. Sweat was starting to gather at the back of her neck, glistening among the stray hairs that escaped her hair tie.

The moment was over and soon enough, her rhythm returned. With each swing of the wrist, an image flashed in her mind. And each one became more provocative than the last.

Jay moving on was inevitable, she knew that. It was unfair to think otherwise. Yet that didn't help the sickness she felt at what she was envisioning.

Faster and harder, she fought. She swung for every second she hid her smile and flinched from his touch; for every time she wasted a single moment that she now knew was on a timer.

She became consumed by the fire inside of her, throwing everything she had out in thick punches that slammed against the bag. Her internal screams materialised as pained groans slipping from her lips, only intensifying as she increased her speed.

Her muscles screamed under the pressure and her skin was burning up, yet she couldn't stop. She welcomed the numb feeling that spread through her fists and found comfort in the ache in her biceps.

Faster and harder, she fought.

Until finally, she heard the single voice that could bring her out of any trance.

"Keep going that hard and you're gonna feel it tomorrow."

Erin stopped her punches and caught the bag as it swung back to her, not wanting to turn around yet. Her breathing was louder than his voice, bouncing off the bare walls all around them. Her eyes drew back into focus and everything became real again; how she was standing in the middle of a darkened gym, pushing herself to feel something.

She gulped, her throat dry. Achingly slow, Erin turned around and faced her partner, not caring how disheveled she looked.

He was wearing the same thing from the bar - a black shirt and dark jeans that somehow managed to have the same effect on her as if he were shirtless and sweaty. He started drawing nearer, and she could finally see the lines of his face.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, once she had regained breath.

"Antonio told me you needed some time to think." He said, continuing his soft stride until only a few feet away from her. "I know you do your best thinking here."

She hated how well he knew her. And with that hate came bounds of anger, too. Despite the fact she tried to quash it.

"What are you doing here, Jay?" She asked again, this time with a sting to her words.

He dropped his eyes and stood awkwardly in front of her. "I thought... I don't know, I thought that you might want to talk."

"Talk about what?" Erin challenged. She could feel the anger billowing inside of her, needing release. The anger at him, for showing up; for being the guy that always shows up. The anger at herself, for needing him to.

She stared him down before gritting her teeth and turning around. She needed an out.

"So now you can't even look at me?" He said, louder this time. She heard it bounce of the walls and it stopped her stride. She heard his footsteps as he grew closer and wrapped his fingers gently around her arm. "Erin-"

She spun around quickly and shook him off.

"Just go back to the bar, alright?" She spat. "I'm pretty sure you left your tongue at the back of that girl's throat anyway."

Something shook inside of her even as she said it, knowing it was a cheap shot. But she could still feel his touch burning through the skin on her arm and she needed rid of him, fast.

She wanted desperately to tell him that it was for his own good; that by pushing him away she was trying to make him happy. Because she was self destructive and broken and impossibly backwards.

His eyes flickered as she spoke and his jaw set.

"I got her number. That's it." He said slowly, and she could see the anger settling inside of him. Because that's what she did - she managed to lash out at one of the few people who truly cared about her.

"So use it!" She shouted this time, and she took a step closer to him. He didn't waver, though. "Use it, and get the hell out of here!"

"Maybe I will."

"Good!"

"Fine!"

He turned as she spoke, feeling the annoyance build up inside of him seeking a release. Yet with his back to her and his head needing time to cool down, he couldn't bring himself to walk away. He simply stayed there for a few moments, and when he finally had rationality back on his side, turned back to his partner.

"You don't have a right to be jealous, you know." He snapped, heart in every word he spoke.

Her mouth hung heavy, a look of exasperation shown on her face.

"I don't have a right?" Everything seemed to snap inside of her. And Jay could see it.

His chest seemed to puff defensively and he neared her, headstrong. "Hey, I was willing to go all the way, okay? This is on you; you're the one who didn't want to go to Voight."

"Yeah, because I didn't want to lose my job - Not because I didn't love you."

Jay froze. "You... You-"

"It doesn't matter anymore." Erin blurted out, unable to believe she could slip like that.

"No," He was on her again, steady eyes. "Don't do that. Don't shut me out when things get too hard."

She wanted to laugh. How was she not supposed to do that? It was all she'd known.

"What do you want me to say, Jay?" She yelled. "I love you. I love you, okay? But me saying that doesn't make things easier; it makes them even more complicated and messy than before."

"Okay, so things are complicated." He was closer. So close, she could smell his cologne, the subtle beer on his breath. "Maybe this is messy. But... That doesn't make me wanna be with you any less. It just means I want to deal with it with you. Do you want to be with me?"

Her face tensed and her whole body winced. "Jay, don't-"

"Answer the question, Erin! Do you want to be with me; yes or no?"

She was still gently panting from the workout, and she could swear her heartbeat was echoing off the bare gymnasium walls. Even in the dim lighting she could see him, the love and desperation in his eyes. It broke her heart a little.

"I want you to be happy, Jay."

"Then say yes."

"It's not that simple-" Erin argued.

"Yes it is!" He let out a little laugh; one of frustration, pain and longing. "You just said you love me. That's as simple as it gets."

His hands found her neck and he kissed her with everything he had, pulling her body close. Her hands went to his waist, and she realised how much she'd missed the feel of his skin. Even over his shirt she could feel his warmth, the strength of his muscles.

His lips moved fervently, and she couldn't tell whether she was against his skin for a minute or an hour.

"Kissing doesn't make the problem go away." Erin said dizzily when she could finally catch her breath.

"You sure?" He whispered, hands still on her face. Her ponytail was swaying from the movement and her cheeks were a deep pink. "Maybe we should try it again."

She gave a deep laugh, silently hoping he'd never stop looking at her like that; like she was the sun. He pushed the stray hairs back from her face. "Just say yes, Erin."

It was a yes to everything; to being strong, to letting him in, to giving them a chance. And although she was terrified, that look he gave her made something inside of her brave. It made her want to fight.

And even though kissing didn't make the problem go away, it sure as hell put things into perspective.

His thumb slid across her dimple, teasing out a grin. It also eased out a word, so quietly content that he almost missed it.

"Yes."

* * *

 **So there it is! I've been stuck on the ending forever so I hope it wasn't too rushed. Please drop a quick review telling me how you found it!**


	15. Time Will Make Us Strong Enough

**Hello there, dedicated fandom! Well we did it, we actually survived hiatus. Saying that, I have a hoping that with the episodes we'll be getting soon the inspiration will slowly make its way back to me. Thank you to every single review that has been left, I can't say how grateful I am.**

 **This isn't anything special, just a quick one I wrote out today after hitting a wall on my others. I thought it might be interesting to see something like this.**

* * *

They weren't partners. Not like before. And as he drove himself and Dawson to their crime scenes day in day out, Jay tried to convince himself that that was okay. Actually, he tried to convince himself every hour of evey day, willing himself to forget what it was like before.

Before; when they were so close it was like they shared a consciousness, where he could read her like a book and practically hear her thoughts in his own head. A time when it didn't break his heart to watch her avoid his gaze.

Two weeks back on the job, and Hank still had Erin glued to his side. Jay watched them at times, wondering if it mirrored the situation when Erin was sixteen. He had Erin taking a backseat on most things, easing her back into life as a cop. She'd only been off three weeks but it felt like a lifetime. Well, to Jay anyway.

Another day passed, and Jay found himself alone in the locker room. If he listened hard enough, he could maybe hear Ruzek and Atwater planning bachelor bashes down the corridor. Or maybe Antonio on the phone to his kids, planning a camping trip for a few weeks' time. He could hear the sounds of people moving on with their lives, of having a reason to.

Using all he had to hold back a sigh, Jay reached for his jacket at the end of his locker, pulling it out and revealing something that stopped his breathing for a second.

It was Erin's shirt, folded tightly into the bottom corner beneath his things. A pale salmon v-neck; he only had to glance at it to have pictures flood back into his mind of Erin wearing the garment. And then came the memories of why it was in Jay's possession. As clear as day, Jay could picture pressing Erin against the cool metal, of her smiling into his mouth and checking round the corner before pulling her shirt over her head. He then pictured the two of them scrambling at the sound of someone intruding, and Erin whispering to shove the shirt, carelessly thrown over his shoulder, into his locker while she changed into gym clothes.

Without thinking, he reached for it. He held it like a parcel between his hands, the material soft against his skin. He thumbed the shirt, wondering how it could feel so close and yet so far away.

And then, painfully on queue, the woman he previously called his partner marched her way into the room. The clacking of her boots against the solid wall echoed around them, only stopped when she realised she wasn't alone.

"Oh, I… I'm thought-" She stammered, hovering awkwardly by her locker.

"No, you… Go ahead." Jay babbled, feeling the awkwardness in the space between them. Had it really come to this - that they couldn't be in the same room?

She gave a forced smile and turned to open her locker. As she did, Jay's eyes returned back down, to the last personal piece of Erin he had. He creased his brow as he loosened his grip on the shirt.

With all the strength he could muster, Jay forced himself over to Erin, her shirt held between them with his shaky hand.

"I found this in my locker, thought you might want it back."

Her eyes went to the material, taking it from his hands with a touch so light he barely felt it. "Oh," She said hoarsely. Her eyes found his for a nanosecond before looking away. "Thanks."

Each punctuated word shattered something deeper inside of him. He didn't know how much he craved her voice until that moment.

And though it was reckless, Jay was determined to take a shot. "Do you remember when…"

"Yeah." She said, and he struggled to find any emotion in her tone. He felt his heart race just thinking about a time when his mouth was on hers, so it was chilling to think there was nothing she felt.

"And?" He hated himself for pushing it.

But as she turned her head and looked at him with glassed over eyes, he didn't believe that she couldn't feel it; that pull in her chest. At the same time, he could feel the ghost of his hand across her cheeks as though they were back there, months prior, vowing to always have each other's back.

"And what?" She responded.

"Don't… Don't you feel anything?"

Her eyes softened, the lines of her face falling into a solemn look. He watched her jaw tense and for a second, believed she was going to say something to make it all okay.

"I… I have paperwork to do."

The slamming of her locker door echoed in his head long after she'd gone.

* * *

Maybe that's the way it was supposed to be. Well, that's what he told himself anyway. As he sipped his beer later that night, Jay wondered if he believed in destiny. And if he did, was this all there was to his and Erin's story?

When a knocking pounded at the door, Jay barely had the energy to lift himself off the couch; he felt the strain in every nerve as he heaved open the wood. But when he did, he seemed to burst to life in half a second.

"Hey." She rasped, the only voice that could send shivers down his spine with a single syllable. She was all soft edges and smooth sides, as though finally broken and ready to rebuild what she once was.

"What are you doing here?" Jay asked, before thinking better of it.

Erin looked down at her hands, and which point Jay noticed she was clutching a leather bound notebook. She passed it nervously between hands. Hands that once, he'd held. Interlocked with his fingers and clutching with all he had.

She gnawed silently on the corner of her lip before offering it to him. "Here."

He took it in his hands, feeling the weight of it. He respectfully sought Erin's eyes for permission, to which she gave the slightest of nods.

He flicked between pages, feeling more intrusive the further he delved. He didn't stay long enough on each inch of it to read the passages, though they appeared to be journal entries; each one filled with Erin's neat cursive.

"Keep going." She urged softly.

So he did, until reaching a different style of writing. In the following pages, each was headed with a date and filled with lines and lines of strikes. Single lines filled the pages in a bold pattern.

"What is this?" Jay asked, looking up to Erin.

He watched her gulp, steadying her nerves.

"I'm in therapy." She stated, and Jay couldn't hide his eyebrows hitching in surprise. "It was part of Voight's conditions and… It feels good. Doctor Herman's been helping me through some of my problems and he said I've been… Suppressing things, holding it all inside. Some unresolved stuff with my dad, guilt about Teddy." She gulped, and Jay could sense what was coming. "What happened to Nadia. And… You."

He couldn't look away from her, needing to hear whatever it was she was having trouble to vocalise.

"I hold it all inside, Jay. And there are things that I want to say, but… I just can't. Doctor Herman said that isn't going to change overnight so…" She gestured to the notebook. "Every time I want to say it but can't, I draw a strike. I take it from my locker to my desk to my car…"

"Say what?" Jay asked, flipping over the pages. Each one was filled with dozens of small inked lines, all varied in size.

Her eyelids fluttered, her breathing hitched. And Jay could finally see how hard it was for her.

She chewed her lip for another second and ran a hand across the back of her neck. "I love you."

When he finally had the will to move, he ran the tips of his fingers over the lines on the page, each one a love declaration in its own right.

"I know that might be hard to believe, but this is the proof. And I know I'm screwed up right now and I don't expect you to wait while I put myself back together, but… Just know that… You're all I'm thinking about."

He wanted to badly to reach out and touch her, to feel the parts of her skin he had mesmerised. But instead he grabbed a pen from his back pocket and flicked to the last page of strikes in the leather bound notebook. He pressed down firmly on the page and drew a single black line that seemed alleviate all the tension in his body.

There was the ghost of a smile on her lips as he handed back the notebook and for a fleeting moment they felt like the old Erin and Jay.

And all he could think of was the heartache he'd known since she walked away, but here she was - pouring her heart out in the only way she could. It struck him at his core.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Erin said gently, and it felt like an 'I love you' in its own way.

And with that single thought on his mind, Jay reciprocated. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

 **This one's pretty short and to the point but I hope it was still an interesting read. I could've padded it out a bit but the basic idea was there. Thank you for reading!**


	16. Home For Me is Where You Are

GROCERIES. & FOREVER.

"You didn't have to come, you know." Erin said, for what felt like the tenth time since they left her apartment. She clicked the lock to her car and walked alongside Jay toward the grocery store. It was such a menial task that felt more like a chore than anything - she didn't understand why he seemed to jump at the chance to tag along.

"I don't mind. Plus you're gonna need someone to carry all your grocery bags, that stuff's heavy." He said, and Erin watched as he not-so-subtly flexed the muscles of his bicep beneath his shirt.

"How did you even fit your ego in the car?"

"I'm just talented, I guess."

She tried not to smile, she really did. But there was something about the way his freckles shone softly and his toothy smile's boyish charm just seemed to captivate her for a second.

They approached the store doors and with casual swiftness, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, Jay slipped his hand into Erin's, holding just firm enough to feel like home. It wasn't the first time he'd done something like that and it wouldn't be the last - but it was still an act that managed to flush Erin's cheek a deep red and bring out the smallest smile.

So, they shopped. He pushed the cart - or more appropriately, glided on the cart - as she tossed what she needed in there. He smiled at the beers, frowned at the apricots, and tried to look as neutral as possible as they perused the feminine hygiene products.

"You appreciate what we have to go through, now?" She commented, watching as his eyes glazed over the wide range of necessities. He looked at her with complete respect and she wanted to laugh; at the gentleness to his eyes, how all his edges seemed curved somehow.

"Come on," He muttered when Erin was done with the aisle. "Let's get you some ice-cream."

So, get ice-cream they did. Erin wanted strawberry and Jay reached for chocolate and in the end they settled on neapolitan. She looked down at the tub and couldn't help but feel like an adult. She felt like a grown up who was finally in a grown up relationship. She would've had chocolate and she knew he would've had strawberry, but here they were sharing the two. She tossed the tub into the cart, and smiled to see a tub of strawberry already sitting there.

"Next week it's neapolitan and chocolate." He said, smiling. She'd put a note of that on her fridge later, to add to her grocery list in case Jay didn't come with her next week. Neapolitan and chocolate.

"What's next?" He asked, as though he had all the time in the world.

"Bread."

In the bread aisle, Erin could feel Jay laughing at her. Crouched between shelves, she was squashing random loaves, looking for a premium one to take.

"You could help me." She muttered, reaching to the far back to find a lone loaf.

"You look like you're doing great from here."

She stood up, a loaf in each hand. She held them out to Jay and looked from her left hand to her right.

"Which one?" She asked, but Jay wasn't looking at, or touching the bread. Instead, he was looking at Erin. He looked ready to tell her something; something important and not at all about bread. "What?"

"Uh, nothing." He said, and managed to shake it out of him like waking from a trance. He clumsily reached out his hands and palmed each loaf, his face not giving anything away.

"Left." He muttered after a second, then repeating it with a sturdy confidence. "Definitely left."

She narrowed her eyes, but couldn't stop the smile tugging at her lips. After a second, she challenged him. "You don't feel a difference, do you?"

"Not at all."

With a sly grin, Erin placed the loaf in the cart and grazed past Jay as she returned the other loaf to the shelf. "It's a shame." She whispered. "You're usually really good with your hands."

"Wait, wait, wait," He stuttered. "I can… let me try again-"

Her body was alive in laughter, and she found herself having to pull the cart down the aisle before she stood and stared at his dorky smile forever.

Next, and finally, they headed to shampoo. Where Jay had bought the same brand of shampoo for most of his life, Erin had slightly more variation with hers. And she felt her heart hammer in her chest when Jay picked up on something familiar to him.

"Hey, isn't this the one you use?" He said gently, picked up a bottle and turning it round in his hands. His eyes flicked up to Erin and back down to the bottle. He flicked the lid and smelled the scent, then releasing a smile of triumph. "You know, I always thought-"

"I love you." Erin said, loud enough to draw the attention of a couple passers by. She swallowed hard and felt her jaw waver slightly as she waited endlessly for him to react.

Jay looked awkwardly over his shoulder, before looking back to Erin. His mouth hung slightly agape and it somehow encouraged Erin to go on.

"You're standing there, smelling shampoo, and I just know… I love you. You made a boring day… Something great. And I love you for that. And looking at you… I know that I could do this for… Ever. I love you."

When she'd finished, barely a second passed before Jay broke out into a gentle chuckle. He rubbed the back of his neck and took a step closer.

"What?"

"That's exactly what I wanted to say to you in the bread aisle." He laughed, tossing the shampoo into the cart and smoothly dropping his hands to either side of her face. "But you made it sound so much better than I ever could."

"Wanna give it a try?" She whispered.

"I love you."

And there, right in the middle of the grocery store with a handful of witnesses and the smell of lavender shampoo around them, Halstead and Lindsay had what felt a lot like a happily ever after.


	17. Consume Me Like A Fire

**Ah this is so annoying! I had a huge A/N at the beginning of the last chapter filled with all of my love for you guys and how appreciative I am. Aaaaaaand, it looks like I didn't save. Ugh, how annoying. [I also had a bit more to the chapter - a section which I particularly loved involving Erin buying almond milk and Jay looking at her with huge heart-eyes because of it.] But like an idiot i deleted my copy of the chapter. In any case, the feedback from the last chapter was phenomenal as always, which is always incredible to see.**

 **This one was so much fun to write [angst, obviously] so I hope it's as much fun to read. Just something I'd like to see involving bunny-closure.**

* * *

He could hear the wind outside, howling against the trees. It was a damp, miserable day in Chicago - at least, that's what Jay could tell from what little view he had from his partner's bed. Partner, he could now say, in both senses.

He liked waking in her bed. He craved the way she'd press her cold feet to him in the early hours of the morning, how she'd push him away mid-slumber when she got too warm, then pulled him back just when she needed him.

He looked at her features; the smooth curve of her nose, the harsh line of her jaw. Even asleep, there was still something about her. Though she wasn't as asleep as Jay initially thought.

"It's creepy to stare." She rasped, a voice like soft thunder. He felt his body react to it instantly. She always did sound best first thing.

"I wasn't staring," He retorted, slightly defensively. "I was… Just checking you were breathing."

"How chivalrous." She scoffed, eyes still closed. Gentle and gradually, they fluttered open. She turned on her side and, though she was sleep swept and groggy, he could see the playfulness in her smile.

With warm fingertips, she reached out to grab his hand, the touch jolting him alive. She brought his palm closer towards her, placing it on her chest. He could instantly feel the thudding of her heart, as though it was beating twice as hard just so he could feel it.

"Satisfied?" She murmured, cocking an eyebrow.

"I'd be more satisfied at third base."

She rolled her eyes at him, but couldn't ignore the tingling in her skin as he brought his hand up to the side of her face. He touched her where her jaw line ran, the sensation being everything she needed to feel alive.

With one swift movement, she closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to his, shuddering when his hands moved to the skin of her shoulders. As she let her body move on top of him, she was suddenly very aware that he was hers to touch, to kiss, to be with.

And then her phone buzzed and all was lost.

Groaning into his mouth, she pulled them apart, reaching over to her bed to grab her phone.

"No, no, no, no, no…" He chanted softly, moving to follow her. His lips met her shoulder, moving their way up to her neck and jawline.

The touch made it hard to see for a second, but once everything settled into focus Erin realised she was going to have to get up pretty soon. With a dramatic sigh, she dropped her phone back on the table and turned to look down at Jay.

"It's Hank. I gotta go."

"Five minutes?"

"Three?"

* * *

Jay never really thought too much into Erin's loyalty to Voight. He'd now come to respect his Sergeant, and he loved Erin. So theirs was a relationship he would always try to understand.

Still, he couldn't deny that if he could choose, he'd have Erin stay in bed with him.

He got up and dressed that morning, grabbed a shirt she'd washed for him a week before. He used the toothbrush she'd bought for him; the one she'd played off as nothing, tried to change the subject about. The apartment was empty and the rain still poured, but as he pulled her door closed behind him and locked it with the key she'd left out for him, he couldn't deny that it felt oddly like home.

Wanting to see her smile, Jay decided to swing by a coffee shop for Erin on the way to work. Sure, he'd get a comment from Ruzek at the district, (something that cleverly noted how 'whipped' Jay was) but it was worth it.

He pulled up right outside the shop and made haste to get inside as quick as possible, raindrops hitting his head in the time it took. The shop buzzed with early excitement as he slid his way in through the glass door, holding it open for a couple who were making their way out.

He joined the queue and found it to move fairly quickly; within no time he had ordered his and Erin's usuals and was waiting for the caffeine kick he so desperately needed. Things were almost running smoothly. Almost.

"You're the detective." He would know that voice a mile off. "From the 21st? Part of Hank Voight's unit."

He gave himself a second before turning round, knowing full well that Bunny would be waiting to greet him with a sickly smile and manipulative words.

Jay didn't know what to say. He disliked Bunny on principle, feeling as though politeness towards her was underserving in every sense. So instead of smiling, offering his hand, or providing a good morning greeting, he stared at his shoes and shuffled awkwardly to the sound of milk steaming and coffee beans grinding.

"I never forget a face." Bunny added, and Jay thought he could almost sense humanity in her voice. But like everything with Erin's mom, it was an act.

"Yeah, me neither." Jay found himself muttering with narrow eyes.

"So," She began softly, revelling in the awkward silence between them. Her arms folded comfortably across her chest. "How is she?"

In a moment of luck, the barista pushed the two coffee cups in front of Jay, scrawled with his and Lindsay's respective names. He grasped them firmly and looked Bunny straight in the eyes.

"I've gotta get going."

Before he could move, Bunny threw a curveball at him that he truly didn't see coming at 8.12am on a Thursday morning.

"You and Erin are together, aren't you?" His face confirmed any doubts she had. "Ah, I knew it. I could see it on her face; girls always are an open book to their mother." Something about his words grated on him.

"Is there a point to any of this? Or am I free to go?" Jay found himself snapping, just enough control in his voice to not draw attention. Not yet, anyway.

Bunny let out a clipped laugh, brushing the hair from her face. Her smile, if it could be called that, was tight across her lips. Her eyes were cold.

"I'm not a villain. I know they try their damn hardest to make out I am, but I'm not." She said, sounding more like she was convincing herself than Jay.

He held her gaze for a second longer, trying his damn hardest to see any of Erin in the woman standing in front of him. He came up empty. Where Erin had compassion, Bunny had manipulation. Where Erin had love, Bunny had jealousy.

"This has been fun, but I'm gonna be late." He said with finality, dropping his eyes and moving around her. But even with his hasty stride, he didn't get far before the words were spoken that brought shivers to the back of his neck.

"You'll never be enough for her, you know." The words struck something inside of him, stopped his movements. "Nobody is. Except, of course, Hank Voight. I mean, that's where she is right now, isn't it? Following him around like a puppy? You'll always be second in her eyes. Just like I was."

He licked his lips, forced himself to keep his cool. But even as his head was trying to rationalise, the thudding in his chest didn't seem near to stopping. He turned to face her, teeth gritted.

"You were second best because you took advantage of her after Nadia died." He felt his voice rising with each word, customers turning to eye him. "You poured her drinks and passed her drugs, and you convinced her that that was the way to numb it all. She's turned things around now in spite of you. You're lucky you're not dead to her."

"Fine. Make your comments, think what you want… But mark my words: you're going to regret not listening to me. She'll cast you aside in a heartbeat if it means protecting her precious Voight."

He felt as though the next words to leave his tongue would be in a harsh yell, so instead he simply tightened his jaw and said nothing. He turned his back and walked out into the harsh rain, trying his damn hardest to rid his brain of the words Bunny so firmly planted there.

* * *

He arrived at the precinct a little under ten minutes later, coffees in hand and insecurity in his head. He climbed the stairs and the room came into view, though there was something specific that grabbed his attention.

His eyes went to Hank's office, the door swung open and the sound of Erin's husky laugh radiating for meters. It was a sound that previously brought light to his cloudy mind. Though now, it only brought doubt.

 _You'll always be second best._

* * *

They were working the Picozzi case; a well known cartel that delved vaguely into the homicide department with the murder of a man and two children. While easy enough to hand it over to homicide, Hank had a grasp hold of this one. And with one pivotal information-filled defendant in custody, it was looking like the case would wrap up sooner than later.

"Alright, bring him down to the cage." Voight's harsh voice boomed. "I'll get him talking."

"Wait, you're going for the cage? Why not interrogation?" Jay asked, feeling an atmosphere shift the minute he spoke.

"Because I'm the boss and I just said so. Got a problem, Halstead?"

"I think we'll all have a problem if things go wrong downstairs and you blow this."

Once the words were said, he could maybe sense going too far. There was voicing an opinion and then there was plain insubordination. But, even upon reflection seconds later, he couldn't bring himself to back down. Even with Hank's fuming stare. Even with Erin's.

Things with Erin had been tense all day. He wanted, and tried, to forget the words that Bunny had said. She was the queen of manipulation and he knew what she was trying to do. But still, the words ebbed and flowed in his brain like the calm before a storm. They rang too true not to hurt him.

"You sure got a funny way of talking to your superiors." Voight spat, rocking with his hands on his hips.

"You take him to the cage, he's just gonna fight back. You know what he's like. And then what? We got a half-beat perp and IA on your ass. If you let me take this guy into interrogation I know I can get through to him. I can get him talking-"

"He's gonna talk us in circles." Erin piped in. Jay's unyielding eyes then went to her. He shot daggers sharp enough to cut glass, and he felt her react. "We need more than words to get anything honest from him. I say take him to the cage."

It felt like a blow to the chest; the way she talked down his ideas, her look of distain at him versus her look of adoration at Hank. Jay felt sick.

"Good. Now, do I have everyone's permission or should we talk about it some more while Diaz's lawyer gets closer to the district?" Jay dropped his eyes from Erin and couldn't bring himself to look at Hank. He felt the words slice through him like a hot knife through butter. "Dawson, get him ready."

Everyone scrambled as Hank stormed past the break room, no-one daring to speak. Especially not Jay; he'd felt as though he was done talking now. He was tired. Of what, he didn't want to admit.

With his head still down, he headed to the break room. His hands dropped to the counter by the cupboards and he took a second to cool down. His heart thudded fast than he could control, voices yelling in his head. And then there was one voice, soft enough to silence to rest.

"Are you gonna tell me what's been going on today?"

He sighed, wishing he could shake it all off. His fears, his doubts, everything Bunny had said to him that morning.

"Just… It's just a tough case."

"No, not with that." She said, stronger this time. He heard her voice moving closer. "I mean with you and me. Am I missing something here? This morning, things were fine. They were better than fine, actually, if I remember correctly."

He didn't let himself think back to her fingertips touching his skin, her smile against the pillows. Because he thought about that, and he went back into the little bubble. A bubble where they weren't real and neither were their problems.

"Well maybe I'm not as thrilled with being a way for you to kill time until you can hang out with Voight as I make out."

The air hung heavy between them. Jay didn't yet turn to look at her, knowing the look in her eye would break his heart.

"You know that's not true." She said. He wished he hadn't said a thing. "Look… If you want to talk about it then let's talk. But don't shut me out and then explode like that in the middle of a case."

He laughed, feeling it reverberating off the walls. Rationality failed to settle and instead, anger spun him around.

"Do you even try to hear anybody other than Voight? Or do you just nod and smile, and go along with every backwards idea he has?"

She reacted as though it was a slap to her face, feeling the full weight of his words. He didn't mean to be cruel but there was no stopping him now. Not with Bunny in his head.

"This is all because I backed his idea?" She asked, incredulous. Her voice was raised, and though he didn't look past her, he was pretty sure they were attracting some attention by now. "Your ego is that fragile that you need me to agree with everything you say just because we're sleeping together?"

It was the slap to him now. The words shifted and aligned in his head: just sleeping together.

Then Bunny's words resurfaced: _You'll never be enough for her._

"What are we even doing here, Erin?" He said, borderline yelling. He felt the veins throbbing in his neck as he strained every muscle in his body. "I mean, do you even have room for me in your life? Or does Hank Voight take up too much space?"

"Oh my god." She whispered, disappointedly but acceptingly. She hardened the line of her jaw and nodded, as though she finally got it. "I've heard this before. It's her isn't it? Bunny."

Jay didn't reply, but the look in his eye gave her all the answers she needed.

"I ran into her this morning." He finally muttered.

"'Ran into'? Are you really that naive? I cut her out of my life and she got pissed. So now, she's hunted you down and tried to turn you against me. Looks like its worked, too, huh?"

"Well maybe there's some truth to what she said."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Am I ever going to be enough for you? I mean, me and Voight are such polar opposites… Do you really think you can deal with that for the rest of your life? If it came to choosing, would there even be any doubt in your mind?"

"Unbelievable." She muttered under her breath. "How can you let everything we've been through be wiped away in a second with what she has to say? Yeah, the choice between Bunny and Hank was easy. But you? You're not even in the same league as her."

Where she wanted a smile, he looked away. And she knew then that fighting for him wasn't going to be that easy.

"Why can't you just believe me? Why can't you trust that everything that's happened between us is just proof of how I feel?" She asked, her heart splitting further with each word. "What, you need me to say the words? Fine. I love you."

The tension eased from his body, his frown untensed and his heart managed to slow. Though he tried to grab onto the words she threw out into the air, he didn't have long before she shot some more at him.

"I'm in love with you. And yeah, sometimes, when I look at you and when we're together, I don't want to leave you to go and spend time with Voight. But… He's the closest thing I have to an actual parent. He saved me. He's the reason I'm standing here; the reason we met, the reason that I can even be in love with you. And I'll always be thankful for that. So, yeah, I'll have breakfast with him once a week. Probably for the rest of my life. And I'll speak up when he makes a call on a case that I agree with. But that doesn't mean I love you any less. He's got a piece of me over toast and orange juice half an hour before work. But you've got the rest of me for as long as you want it."

The words seemed to spill from her lips at rapid speed, and he found himself at a loss for words; as though she'd used them all up and all he was left with was a dropped jaw and eyes glowing like they'd finally found a home.

"Not enough for me?" She whispered, moving closer so their chests were pressed together. "This… You… It's all I'll ever need."

All at once their bodies were together, holding onto each other for dear life. He felt her head pressed to his neck, her gentle breathing matching his as his arms curled tighter around her. And for the first time that day, there was nothing but blissful white noise occupying his head.

* * *

She had dinner plans with Jay; something private and intimate at his place. He was going to cook and she was going to bring the wine and it was going to be the perfectly simple end to a perfectly complicated day. He'd bring up her three-word-declaration and she'd blush but she'd say it again, just to make sure he got it. She's whisper it into every inch of skin, write it across his back while he slept and breathe it into the air while she did, too.

But before all that, there was one stop she needed to make. It wasn't something exciting or exhilarating; it was closure. Important, necessary closure.

A bell shook as Erin pushed the bar door open. As always, it was barely alive; a few regulars and a sad hum to the air. Looking straight across, Erin could see her. The woman who was supposed to be her mother.

"Erin." Bunny sang, a smile that if Erin was naive she may have perceived as love. But she knew what love was now, and that wasn't it. "I thought you'd be stopping by soon enough. Here, have a seat, let me get you a drink."

Erin reached the bar, hands tight in her pockets and her expression far from friendly.

"I'm not staying." She said, watching as Bunny put down the tequila and put on her confused expression. "I just came to say that, the guy you spoke to earlier - tall, blue eyes - that's the last time you're gonna run into him. And this is the last time you're gonna run into me. We're done. Officially, completely."

She felt the weight ease off her chest, the skies open as though she could finally breathe. Her expression loosened as she realised she was finally letting go of the anger she'd let build inside of her. But this was it; it was over.

"You thought I was broken. And for the longest time, so did I. But I'm not. I outgrew you a long time ago. Hank made sure of that." She threw the last sentence in for good measure, wanting to make sure it stung. And by the look on Bunny's face, it did. "Oh, and whatever dirt you think you've got on Voight, I've got much worse to pin on you."

With freedom and unsolicited happiness, Erin turned on her heels and headed to the door; but not stopping before a final thought came to her mind. She grinned as she turned, eyes creased in blissful realisation.

"And that guy that you said wasn't enough? I'm gonna marry him one day. And maybe we'll have kids. And if we do, you won't know a damn thing about them. Me, Jay and Hank will make sure of that. My _family_ will make sure. So this is goodbye, I guess. Have a nice life." And as she left with Bunny yelling at her, when the cold wind hit her face, she had a final sentence of diffusiveness. "I know I will."

* * *

 **Loved exploring this! Please drop a review with your thoughts on it.**


	18. Love Is Gonna Cost You

**Wow, it's been a while. Thank you to everyone who's reading this right now for coming back to this collection despite how long its been, I truly appreciate it. I won't bore you with personal excuses but the biggest reason I've been in such a slump lately is the writing on the show - it's really uninspiring and caused me to lose a lot of motivation. However, I still managed to knock this one out in the past couple of days.**

 **I wish the writers loved Jay as much as I did and gave him this kind of storyline. I was really intrigued by the basis of the last episode (3x10) and wondered how it'd play out if Jay was the focus, and it was his mother who was the cancer victim instead of Camille.**

 **Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Jay felt his blood run cold. He must've misheard. "What?" He said, interrupting something Atwater was about to say. All eyes turned to him as the name was repeated: the name of their suspect, administering unnecessary chemotherapy to women not suffering from cancer. The name he hadn't heard in eight years. The name of the doctor who cared for his mother while she suffered from lung cancer.

"Jay?"

He looked past the sea of chaos and met Erin's eyes, steady and strong and beckoning a response out of him. With a dry throat and blurry vision, Jay awkwardly got to his feet.

"I, uh... I just need some air."

He knew eyes were burning through him, especially Voight's, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Not with the pounding in his chest and the bile stirring in his stomach. As he felt the door click behind him, he began his walk through the walls of Chicago Med, trying to simultaneously clear his head while also attaining some clarity.

He passed nurses and doctors, rows of patients. With each step he took he could see flashes of his mother in the hospital, see Dr. Reybold with solemn filled eyes as he delivered bad news after bad news. He watched the life drain from her, he watched her wittle down to mere skin and bones with the toxic injections she was being administered.

He swallowed as he took another corner, unsure of where he was headed. Ringing deep in his ears were the soft tears of his mom, telling him that she loved him, that the thing she was going to miss the most was watching him grow into the man she always knew he could be, that she was endlessly proud of him.

He forced his eyes shut and took another left, silence finally returning the minute he got eyes on his brother.

"Will!"

Dr. Halstead turned from the nurse he was talking to and Jay could immediately see the change in his demeanour. Maybe everything was written clearly across his face.

"Jay? What's going on?"

"I need you to get mom's medical files."

Will's eyes darkened. Talking about their mom wasn't a frequent occurrence amongst the two, even less so with restless eyes and a panicked expression. "What? Why?"

"-Right from the start, when she was first diagnosed. She went to more than one oncologist, Dad made sure. I need you to get every result, from every doctor before Dr. Reybold"

"I'm not doing anything until you tell me what the hell's going on."

"It's him." Jay said, with such heart that he could feel eyes on him. "The one killing these women with chemo. It's him. Dr Reybold."

Will had an impossibly hurt look on his face, and for a second, Jay remembered that the two of them were just brothers. Not a cop and a doctor, just two brothers that lost their mother and lost their way.

"No," Will muttered, taking a step backwards as though struck with a blow. "No, you guys made a mistake. You have the wrong guy."

"It's not a mistake-"

Before Jay could carry on, Will attempted to stride past him with the hurt on his face evolving into anger. "I'm not gonna stand here and listen to this. Get your head outta your ass, Jay." Jay reached out and grabbed his brother by the shoulder, hard. Will turned at yelled in a volume that could rival Jay's. "You know Dr Reybold. You know how good he was to mom. How can you even believe this?"

"Because you've had one woman dead and two in comas in your ER." Jay shouted, before gritting his teeth and setting his jaw. "Get me the files, or I'll find someone who will."

He let go of Will and started again down the corridor, now truly needing some fresh air. He made it all of five steps before he heard the words that made everything inside of him deflate.

"You think mom's gonna be proud of the son who killed her doctor?"

Jay stopped, let his eyes flutter close and his jaw harden. He only turned to utter a cold response before turning again to leave the building.

"Mom's dead. And if I find out she didn't have cancer, Dean Reybold better hope he ends up in jail."

* * *

Jay paced outside the entrance to Chicago Med, and he couldn't deny how relieved he was that Will hadn't followed him. He felt wound up, panicked. And just when he psyched himself to go back into the building, his unit filed out in a strong formation.

Voight cast him a dark look, muttering at him to stick with Lindsay to get a full debriefing. If he wasn't sure that a doctor had administered unnecessary chemotherapy to his mother, he'd make a joke to Erin when he got her on her own, crafting a pun around the term 'debriefing'. But he was sure that his suspicions were correct, and when it came down to it, he could barely look at Erin, offering a mere nod when she asked if he was alright.

He followed her to the 300, slipping into the passenger seat wordlessly while his mind continued to run laps. How would he react when they got to Dr Reybold? How would he keep his cool?

"Jay."

He snapped from whatever dark thoughts plagued his head to Erin's urging voice. He turned to look at her and watched as the momentarily drew her eyes from the road to throw a concerned look his way.

"You can talk to me."

He looked into the shades of her pupils and the lines across her face. No, he was already compromised on this case. He wasn't going to drag her into that, too. Besides, despite the incessant thudding in his chest, he was trying not to get himself worked up.

"I just really wanna nail this guy." He mumbled vaguely, turning to look out his passenger window.

They didn't speak for the rest of the journey.

* * *

They reached the building, storming their way down the halls with speed and power that gave Jay a sense of invincibility. He thought about staying outside with the rest of his unit, except Erin and Voight, but then an image of his mother flashed in his head and he didn't have to give it a second thought. He knew Erin was watching him with every step he took, and maybe he'd let her in to the chaos in his head later that day, but for now, he needed focus.

At the end of a long, winding corridor, they found the office housing Dr. Reybold. Knocking was a mere courtesy as Hank made evident, banging his knuckles before tearing the door open immediately.

With Voight and Lindsay being the first stern faces Dean Reybold was greeted with, his eyes weren't immediately drawn to Jay, giving the detective a few seconds to breathe and collect himself.

"Uhm... Can I help you?" That familiar voice said.

Erin flashed her badge. "Intelligence. We're here about a couple of your patients. Jessica Pope, Carol Shepherd... Any of these names ringing a bell?"

"Of course. They're fighters, I'm proud to be helping them."

Jay couldn't bring himself to step into view just yet, but unfortunately for him, Voight's movement meant that he didn't have much say in the matter.

"You proud that they've all ended up in Chicago Med after what you administered?" Voight boomed with a voice like thunder. The second he took a step forward, Halstead flashed into view, and made intense, direct, burning eye contact with the doctor who tended to his mother.

"Jay?" He felt Hank and Erin's eyes on him. He felt his skin scrawl. "Jay Halstead. You're... So different. You're a, what... Police officer, now?"

"Detective." He managed through his teeth. He felt eyes go from him to Reybold like an audience watching a tennis match.

The doctor smiled gently, as though remembering a fond memory. "She always said you'd surprise everyone."

"She?" Erin asked quizzically, directing the question at Jay but getting an answer instead from their lead suspect.

"Deborah Halstead, Jay's mother. I treated her for lung cancer several years ago. It was... It was a tough loss. Now, forgive me, what exactly happened with Jessica and Carol?"

Hank stared at Jay. "Take a walk Halstead."

"Don't you dare say it was a tough loss!" Jay cracked, feeling the rage burst from him without warning. "Dani died and the others are in comas after you flooded them with chemo. I don't know what backwards practice you're running here but if we find out-"

"Jay, let's go." Erin was pushing him back, but moving from her grasp was easy with this fire in his stride. He encroached on Reybold's desk with built up guilt and mourning from his mother's death.

"If I find out that there's any more names on that list of women who didn't have cancer who you put through hell, tortured, murdered-"

"Your mother's death was a tragedy, yes, but you cannot let that cloud your judgement here, Jay. Deborah was-"

"Say her name one more time and I'll have you begging for an overdose of chemo!"

He was still yelling while Hank pushed him out of the transparent office and back down the hallway to a reasonable point. Seconds after, while Jay was trying to catch his breath, Erin came storming out after them.

"I've got him." She said to Hank, striding past and putting her palm on her partner's back. Voight gave a final empathetic look to Jay before nodding at Lindsay, watching as she guided him towards the stairwell.

* * *

"Jay." Erin said, practically running down the stairwell to catch up with him. "Jay! Just slow down a second. Jay!"

"We have to get a warrant. There's no way Voight's getting anything out of him without a warrant."

She was so surprised that he's stopped and turned that she unconsciously reached out to hold onto him, grasping his arms as though scared he'd take off any second. "Okay." She mumbled, trying to get a strong hold of eye contact. "Okay, we will. You just... You need to take a second."

"I need answers."

"And you'll get them, okay? Just calm down."

Without warning she enveloped their bodies together, not caring that he was rigid and cold against her. She curved herself into him and tried her damn hardest to show him that she was there, as much as he didn't see it. Her hand ran across the short hair at the back of his neck and she found herself whispering soothingly into his ear.

"We'll get him."

* * *

They got the warrant, storming their way back to Reybold while it was hot off the press. That was, of course, everyone except Halstead. Voight said he was too close and would risk causing a scene that could hurt court proceedings. Jay protested but Erin gave him a look that provided him with courage, somehow. And though Hank wanted her by his side while they slapped the warrant down in front of Reybold, she volunteered to stay back at the precinct with Halstead.

He was quiet, fidgety and distant. He tapped his pen, sipped furiously at coffee and pulled at his hair so much Erin was surprised it wasn't coming out in clumps in his hands. It felt like forever 'til they got news. And when they did, it was as good as they could hope for.

"Okay, thanks Antonio." Erin said into the phone before ending the call. She lifted her eyes up from her desk and Jay was already watching her, wide-eyed and desperate. "They caught the receptionist shredding files. It doesn't look good for him. They're bringing him back in cuffs."

"I'm taking him to the cage."

"Jay." She said it like a warning. He was getting too invested with each passing moment and it terrified her. "If you lay a finger on him it comes back to bite us in the ass."

"And what about the women in comas right now? What about the woman who died? What about them?"

"If we want justice, then we-"

"Justice? What about every guy that walks through those doors who Voight has vendetta against? Why is he only a vigilante when it comes to things that affect him?!"

Erin sucked in a breath, dropping the gaze that was becoming too heated and looking down at her desk. She let out an even breath. "That's not fair."

"None of this is fair, Lindsay!" He yelled, and she didn't know what hurt more: the coldness to his tone, the volume, or the unfamiliar use of her surname. Or maybe it was a combination of everything.

She still couldn't bring herself to look at him. All she could do was listen as he pushed out his chair and stormed towards the locker room.

* * *

"Come on, come on..." He mumbled into his phone, pacing between the rows of lockers. As soon as the call connected, Jay jolted to life. "Will. Tell me you got it." There was hesitation in his brother's voice, and it made Jay want to scream.

"It takes longer than a couple hours, Jay. Plus I'm working right now and-"

"And what? This isn't urgent enough for you?!"

"I'm trying."

"Yeah? Try harder."

He ended the call before Will could utter another excuse. He dropped his body to one of the benches and sunk his head into his hands. He hated this. He hated what the case was doing to him and who he was becoming. But most of all, he hated being in the dark. He wanted his mother's tests and he wanted them now.

* * *

He sat at his desk, doing everything he could to control the anger growing inside of him. He didn't want to be hotheaded. He didn't want to lose control. But this was personal to him - about as personal as any case could get, and fear, guilt and sorrow ate away at him with each passing second.

He looked up to Erin, who'd been tapping away on her computer for the last thirty minutes. Occasionally she'd stop, look over to him, and he knew she was waiting for him to open up to her. And as much as he wanted to, he just couldn't. Not until he could breathe again.

He chewed the end of his pen, watching the winter hours steal away at the afternoon sun. Appropriate, he thought. And then finally, when he thought he was about to go out of him mind, he heard a cluster of detectives making their way back up the stairs.

Both he and Erin got to their feet the second Antonio came into sight, watching as Atwater and Voight escorted Reybold to the right and straight into interrogation. Dawson headed straight for Jay's desk, providing a line of defence in case the detective wanted to bolt and inflict some damage. But Jay didn't have the strength to yell, or scream, or fight off Antonio's hand on his shoulder. Even though it killed him somehow, he was starting to feel defeated.

Dawson was offering him a consoling look, and he hated it. He hated being vulnerable, being the one most affected by a case. He hated being the topic of locker room conversation because this case hit home for him, hard.

"Come on." Antonio said gently, looking over to Erin as well. "Ruzek's got the rest of the files that weren't shredded. It's time to start digging."

* * *

"Got another one." Erin rasped as she dropped a thick, yellow-wadded file into the pile that was starting to build their case. It was daunting to look at, but she knew that each new example of what Reybold had done was important for a jury to hear.

Jay wasn't focused. He looked wounded and lost, and part of her considered going to Voight and convincing him to give her partner an early end to the shift. Not that it was exactly early now, she considered, looking at the clock that read 5:30. How long had they been at this?

And Jay hadn't spoken. He checked his phone constantly, and she only prayed that it was his brother or father. Each movement he made scared her, taking her back years ago to the Lonnie Rodiger case. She knew of his innocence and she believed that he wasn't the kind of person that he was made out to be back then. But she also knew when he was beaten, when his spirit was broken and he was flagging. She only hoped that he wasn't going to take this too far.

She flipped over one of the many sheets in her next file and tried to focus. She was tired, too, but she wasn't letting it slow her down. She hated sifting through paperwork, and would much rather be riding shotgun with Voight, doing whatever it was he'd been doing for the past couple of hours. But she needed to keep eyes on her partner.

Reading the file information was hard enough, trying to understand measurements, recordings, things that didn't make sense at all. She read over LFTs and CA levels, blood work, lymph tests, endless stretches of biological terms that gnawed at her brain. But it didn't slow her down. She had determination in her blood for this one.

Many of the women who they'd first recorded were not suffering from cancer at the time of being administered chemotherapy had already been spoken to: living in hospices, waiting to die, meant they were relatively easy to track down. The thought made Erin sick, and she could only imagine what it was doing to Jay.

At 6:30, when the number of 'cancer patients' who were technically cancer free had risen significantly, Erin decided to take a break. An important one. She grabbed her jacket and looked over at Jay, wondering if he'd even notice her moving. He didn't, and she tried to pretend it didn't break her a little.

She swept past Dawson's desk and paused, letting her eyes flicker over to her partner for a second. She bit her lip and leaned down to Antonio, hoping the worry on her face wasn't too evident.

"I've gotta go and take care of something." She murmured. "'Keep an eye on him. Please. I don't think he should be alone right now." Antonio nodded, and she gave a sad smile in gratitude.

She turned to look at him again before she left. His lids were heavy and his eyes tired. And the only thing that crossed her mind was how it was going to have to get worse before it could get better.

* * *

She took a trip to Chicago Med, a place that had an especially macabre feeling that day. She felt eyes on her as she walked in the building: she was a cop and people wanted answers. But Erin had her own questions. And they were for the other Halstead brother.

She found Natalie first, who inquired about the case. Erin only gave a vague "we're doing the best we can right now" before asking a question of her own. Manning lead Lindsay down the corridors and towards the staff room, where she tugged on the door and held it open for Erin.

"I'll give you two a minute." Nat said gently, with heavy eyes that told Erin she was aware of what the Halsteads were going through. The thought made her soften somehow, it was nice to think that neither of the brothers were completely alone in this.

"Hey." Will said, turning in his chair. "How's everything going?"

Erin nodded gently, folding her arms across her chest. "We're building a case. The evidence is coming along."

"That's good..." He sounded sad and distant, and it struck Erin in that moment the resemblance between the two. Maybe it was the eyes or the lips or the mannerisms, but it caught her off guard for a second.

"How're you holding up?"

Will looked away, brow creased. "I've been better. I mean... I just don't want to believe it, you know?" Erin nodded. "We're doctors, we're supposed to help people, not..." He stared off for a second, and she let him have that moment. Then he snapped out of it and his composure changed, solidified a little. "Jay asked me to get her tests. I think there might be some blood work, too, if I dig deep enough. Until I see that, I just need to... Put it out of my head."

"I think that's smart." She said softly. She couldn't deny that it felt nice to be opened up to. Even if it wasn't the brother she wanted. "I just wanted to check in on you. Give me a call if you need anything."

She gave a hollow smile and turned to haul the glass door open. She was stopped by the words that had plagued her own head all day.

"He's not handling it well, is he?" A mere look from Lindsay gave Will his answer. "Look, Erin... I wasn't there for him when she died. And I don't know if I can be there for him now, either. Can you just... Be there? I really think he needs someone to be there right now."

Her lip twitched in what she tried to make a smile. Her voice broke on the word. "Always."

* * *

On her way out, Erin ran into Dr. Charles and was happy to have a second to think for herself. He asked how the case was coming along, how she was doing, if she needed any sessions anytime soon. She declined his offer but thanked him nonetheless, all the time the gnawing feeling eating away at her. Maybe Jay would need Dr. Charles' service sometime soon.

She talked to him for a little longer than she anticipated, getting sucked in by his talk of psychopaths. Listening to the phycology of it all was interesting, and couldn't deny how the terms fit Reybold's case to a tee.

"Would you be open to testifying all this?" She asked, moving an inch closer. She wasn't sure how well their case was or what the chancellor had planned, but she had no doubt that Dr. Charles' words would be nothing less than useful.

"To do that I'd have to have a fully formed diagnosis. Talk to him, interact...

"There's no way the lawyer's gonna let you anywhere need him. And he's not gonna plead insanity. There's no... Straight way to do this."

Dr. Charles shrugged. "Then I guess I'll just go along with my daily business. Maybe I'll bump into him, somewhere. Who knows."

Erin gave her first real smile of the day. This was something. "Thank you."

She would've stayed longer, talked more about the details of this meeting and how casual to make this appearance. She would have, if Antonio hadn't texted her with something that made her whole body sigh.

 **Halstead's gone. Couldn't get him to stay. Said he's gone straight home - give me a call if he's not there.**

* * *

He leaned forward on his couch, whisky tumbler in hand. He took a burning sip and slammed his eyes shut, forcing himself to recall the last memories he had of his mother. It was torturous - it was plunging the knife in further and twisting it. But he couldn't stop.

He felt the alcohol take effect in his body and felt the looseness in his limbs. He poured himself another scotch, spilling a small volume on the table in his unsteadiness, and thought about the meetings he attended with his mother. Dr. Reybold was soft, considerate... He was a man with the power to save who truly wanted to.

He had another drink, losing count after words became foggy in his head. The darkness crept in through the blinds, his face only being illuminated by the dusky lamps in two corners of the room.

He didn't know how long he'd sat there but he could feel his skin on fire, and for a second there was only the brief possibility that maybe the sadness inside of him was so heavy it would drown him.

"Hey." He heard Erin's voice like it was the only noise in the world, and his eyes went immediately to his front door that she'd clicked into place. "I didn't get a chance to... You left before I could say goodbye."

Jay barely let out a murmur as he ran his hand across her face, rubbing the palm against his forehead. He got up from the couch and took his empty glass to the kitchen, hoping to find something equally as good as the whisky he'd downed.

"How're you feeling?" Erin pushed as she followed him into the kitchen.

"Good." He stammered, lifting up a half empty bottle of vodka and shakily pouring it into his glass. "Everything's great, everything's… Fine."

There was a hollowness to his voice that bounced off the walls. Looking at his silhouette, she couldn't even recognise who this was turning him into. "Everything is not fine." She said, her voice soft like honey. "And it shouldn't be. And I know it hurts right now but this isn't gonna last forever."

He scoffed, letting his hand holding the glass of vodka fall limp at his side. He had his back to her, wanting to find the words somehow explain the feelings tearing him apart. But he couldn't. And her words were only stirring up those feelings.

"I know how you're feeling right now. I know how it feels to lose a parent-"

Something snapped inside of him. As he swung round in disbelief, the glass slipped from his grasp and smashed as it hit the wall. She jumped. He didn't react to the sound, too focused on the anger spewing from his lips.

"You don't know how this feels! I didn't lose her; she died. Slowly and painfully. This isn't a drugged up Mom or a dad in lockup." He sobered up the minute he said it, the look on her face seemed to bring out the light inside of him. He tried to step forward, albeit clumsily, but she took one back.

"And it's so much easier being abandoned by choice?" She said, her voice a little more than a whisper.

"I didn't mean that."

"I know you're hurting, and I know this isn't you. You're right, my parents didn't die. But Nadia did. And all I can think about is what if? What if I didn't let her out of my sight that night? What if I pushed myself harder onto Yates? What if I held him in that interrogation room a minute longer so he didn't get that first perverse, sick, twisted look at her?" The words fell before she could fully form them. "Maybe you're right. Maybe it's not the same. But don't tell me I don't know pain."

It was the first time she'd pushed back at him all day, and as much as she wanted to sit by and let him deal with it how he needed to, she knew it was time to step in. His eyes were looking at her but they were weighted, as though full of all the things he wanted to say but couldn't.

"You need me to be your punching bag? Fine. But at least talk to me about what's going on in your head." She practically begged. All she could think of was her and him, outside that club, him finally making an impact. He fought for her back then, and now it was her turn to fight for him.

His chest rose and fell rapidly, face contorted as he ran his hands through his hair. He looked broken an unsteady. "I can't... I need... I need some air."

He tried to storm past her but she pushed at his chest, forcing him to look at her again. She hoped he could see it in her eyes. That she wasn't going anywhere.

"Don't walk out." She said in a soft plead. "Smash things, yell… Just don't walk out."

She looked at him and saw all the ways a heart could break. She saw him losing his mother, her losing Camille, him and Ben, her and Nadia. She saw everything they shared and the pain both of them needed to overcome. She saw a future with him, built on their brokenness and their ability to bounce back from it all.

"I don't know what love is, okay? I never have. But when I've been where you are right now, it was you who was there for me. You kept me grounded. You… Let me fall apart. So maybe that's what love is. Maybe it's a place where you can fall apart. I love you. And if you love me, then… Then you can fall apart here. Don't walk out."

They were silent for a moment, nothing but the shades of their eyes in the dark of his kitchen. She'd never told him that she loved him before, nor had he said the words either. But she did love him. Completely, painfully and passionately.

"What am I supposed to do?" He said, while at the same time stumbling towards her. She pulled him close and wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders. "What am I supposed to do if he killed her?"

She didn't have the answers, so all she could do was listen as his heart pounded against hers and his body shook.

* * *

They were lying in his bed and, for the longest time, all she could do was graze her fingers across the skin on his arm and hoped that was enough to soothe him, even if just for the night. Despite his intoxication, Jay kept his eyes on the ceiling. Every so often they'd drift closed, but he always brought them back open. As though afraid to let sleep take him.

Lying at his side, Erin was overcome with it all. She hadn't been this affected by someone's mourning since... Since Camille. Voight was like a different person after his wife died, and with dealing with her own sadness too, it was a lot for Erin to take.

Jay was this stoic, strong person. She rarely saw him this vulnerable, this in need of comfort. She couldn't say how comforting she was, but all she knew was that she wouldn't leave for the world.

She didn't know what time it was, but the solid darkness and quiet night told her it was too late for knocking at the door. It took him a moment longer than her to notice it, lazy eyes zoning back into focus at the sound.

"I'll get it." She whispered before he could get up.

She lifted herself from the bed and made her way quietly out of the bedroom and towards the front door. If her mind was sharper she maybe would've checked the peep hole or had a gun close - you could never be too careful in Chicago. But it was the middle of the night and she was exhausted.

She hauled the door open and the sight managed to spring even her tired eyes to life. There, looking back at her with equal exhaustion and angst, was Hank Voight.

"Hey." He mumbled.

"Uh," She peeked her head back round to look up at a clock Jay had hanging on the wall. 2.09am. She rubbed her eyes and turned her attention back to Voight. "Morning', I guess?"

"Thought this couldn't really wait."

He held a large brown envelope out to Erin, shoving it closer when she stared at it for a few moments. She turned it over in her hands, unsure of what to make of the documents. Before she could ask about the envelope's contents, Hank offered up an explanation.

"I called in a couple of favours and got all the medical history I could find. All the answers he's looking for are in there."

She looked back down at what he'd handed her, thinking that there, right in her fingertips, was the answer to whether Dr. Reybold had killed Jay's mother. It was unimaginable to even think about, and there it was right in front of her.

She looked back up to Hank and felt flooded with a new found respect for the man who raised her. She didn't know if he could see the gratitude on her face or whether the simple word would be enough, but she wanted him to know. "Thank you."

He gave a short nod. He paused before leaving, eyes far off from her. "Whatever happens... Whatever the tests say, be there for him. God knows he's gonna need it."

She hardened her jaw, offering a deep look. She felt like she was back in the staff room with Will, and was vowing the same thing she did earlier that day. She was vowing to stand by her partner, to be there for him in any way he needed. Like the many times he'd done it for her.

"I will."

He looked proud. "Alright then. Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."

She waited until he'd gone and then found herself looking back down at her hands, the envelope gleaming up at home. She sucked in a breath as she closed the door, and held it until she was back in the bedroom.

"Who was it?" His hoarse voice croaked through the darkness.

"Hank. He, uh... He fasttracked your mom's results. Here."

She held out the envelope, willing her arm to hold strong. He looked weak again, and it took him moments to be up and standing opposite her. He looked at her hand like she was holding an explosive. Maybe it was one, of sorts. Her hand trembled slightly as he relieved her of the results, making it his own turn to shakily hold the files.

She watched his throat clench as he swallowed, slowly turning it over in his hands. Before breaking the seal, he looked up at Erin. She gave him all the strength he needed to rip the adhesive open and slide out the wad of papers. Though he'd spend hours later reviewing each paper with intense detail, all he needed was the top sheet.

It was her first set of blood work. The lab results of a time where she wasn't flooded with chemotherapy. His hands were fully shaking now, so much so he brought the paper closer to his face to read each line. Studying documents all afternoon had him feeling like a professional at this by now. He read the statistics over and over again until they all blurred in his head.

"Jay?"

He looked up at her, and she couldn't read any emotion on his face. It could go either way. And she was terrified for him. With his eyebrow still burrowed he held out the sheet to her, which she received cautiously.

She read it and sighed. Deborah Halstead had lung cancer. As sick as it was, Erin felt herself exhale with relief. When she looked up to Jay, his eyes were glazed as he sat on the end of his bed. His whole body was sunken.

"I thought it would hurt less than this."

She couldn't find the words to make it okay. Because, even though Dr. Reybold hadn't been the cause of his mother's death, his mother had still died. He'd still lost the most important woman in his life. A piece of paper didn't change that. So instead of throwing hollow words his way, Erin moved to stand in front of him, inching between his legs and cradling his head in her fingers.

"I'm so sorry." She said, unsure if she had ever meant something so much in her entire life.

He nodded gently in acknowledgement, the glistening in his eyes only becoming more prominent. He hardened his jaw before leaning his head forward, pressing himself into her stomach and, if only for a moment, letting her wrap her arms around him and be her strength.

* * *

"What was she like?" Erin whispered, eyes barely open. They were lying in his bed, close under the covers. She was wearing one of his old shirts and he was bare chested, fingers tightly wrapped around one another's in the space between them. It was impossibly late now, and Erin had the sneaking suspicion that her alarm was due to sound any second, but that didn't stop her from inquiring.

"Kind." He mumbled. His eyes were smiling, she could tell. The hurt was slowly being replaced with healing. "She was... Loving, warm..." He went silent for a moment, and Erin could tell he was reliving the most important moments to him. "When I told my family I was joining the war, she was the only one who said she was proud of me."

"She sounds nice. I would've liked the meet her."

"She would've loved you." Erin snorted at that. "No, really. She would have." He turned his head to look at Erin, let his eyes graze over every inch of her face. "I love you."

She smiled and let herself burrow into his side, knowing that it felt familiarly like home to her. She'd soaked up every inch of information he'd given her, and though it didn't feel like enough, it felt like a start. Her breathing synced with his and felt herself considering the next few days. It was going to be a rough trial and she knew he'd need her at his side. Thankfully, there was no where else she'd rather be.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! I'll try and put as much stuff out there for you guys as I can and, as always, I appreciate your support.**


	19. Hard To Love

**Hey! I can't believe its been five months since I last updated this - it's gone so quickly. But with my time slowly freeing up I'm hoping to get back into frequent writing, which will hopefully equate to frequent updates. (Don't hold me to that, though!)**

 **Thank you for coming back to this collection, it truly means a lot. I'd also like to say that, if you haven't already, please check out my newest story - Losing Your Memory.**

 **I hope you enjoy this!**

* * *

They spend the night at a bar. It's just outside of town and far enough that they don't run into anyone. Although they spend most nights at Molly's, every now and then Erin and Jay want time to themselves. He likes letting his hand graze her leg as they talk, and she likes slipping her fingers in between his when she gets the urge. And they both know that the unit would give them hell for it if they ever did it at Molly's.

Jay's laugh amplifies around her as he chuckles. "I swear to god."

Erin's own smile comes out, stretching so wide that it hurts her cheeks a little. "No way."

"I'm serious!"

Erin shakes her head a little. "You? Prom King?"

"Why's that so hard to believe?" Jay asks, unable to take his eyes off her. His chest feels light from the beer and laughing, his mind open and alive with possibility.

"It's not, it's just…" Erin lets her voice die out a little, the smile still playing on her lips. She was as far off from Prom Queen as you could be, and here she was with the King.

She bites her lip, mischief on her face. "Did you have a crown?"

"You bet. And a coupon for $10 off my next haircut."

"You really hit the jackpot, there."

"It was prestigious." Jay jokes, his cheeks a little red from smiling.

She looks at him under the dingy dive bar lights, how his eyes pop and his freckles sink into his face a little. There's something so soft about him, so gentle. It's a side of himself he seems to reserve for her, and it makes her feel something she hasn't in a while. Wanted.

"What about you?" He says after a while.

"What about me?"

"Prom Queen?" He asks, and though his expression is serious, she can't help but snort. "Head of the decorating committee?"

"You're getting colder." She says. She feels her smile fading a little. "I, uh… I didn't go. It was right after everyone found out who I was, and I didn't feel like being publicly humiliated that night." His hand lands on her leg, the pressure endlessly comforting. "Camille got me a dress, too. A really beautiful one, even by my standards."

Her voice comes out flat and disappointed. Truthfully, she hasn't thought about that night in forever, but thinking about it then, it brings it all back.

"I'm sorry." Jay murmurs.

She forces a smile. "Don't be. If I went and got Prom Queen I would've upstaged your story tonight."

"I got crowned to Baby Got Back. There's no way you could upstage me." He says, and it's enough to make her erupt in laughter. That's what she loves about him - he knows exactly what to say and when to say it.

They stay for another half an hour, but both of them know they want to just get home to be alone. So by the time the clock reaches 10.00, Jay tosses some bills onto the bar and the two of them head out, hips practically joined and their smiles equally wide.

Then it comes shattering down when Erin hears her voice just before they reach the door.

"Erin?"

She turns, already knowing who she'll see.

"Landon, hey." She says, mustering up some enthusiasm. Before she can react, he's leaning in to hug her, and she can do nothing but awkwardly return it.

"How are you?" She asks a little robotically as they part. She feels Jay's awkwardness beside her.

"Good, good. No guns to my head lately so that's a plus." Landon jokes, and Erin tries to smile.

"I meant to check in with you…" She trails off, knowing that it was never really a concern of hers.

"Well, I'd love to catch up sometime." He says. She looks at his pupils. She knows he's high.

"Yeah, definitely." Erin says casually, knowing it's never going to happen.

An awkward beat passes before it clicks for Erin to introduce Jay to Landon, but even as she does it, it feels wrong. She doesn't want them to know one another - she doesn't want those parts of her life to connect.

"Right, sorry, Jay this is Landon, Landon, Jay."

Jay reaches out a hand and Landon shakes it firmly. "Good to meet you." Jay says, the kindness straining in his voice a little. Erin knows they've met before - the image haunts her more than she'd care to admit. She can still see Jay's burning look of worry and sadness as he stood in her apartment, watching her tend to Landon.

"You guys leaving? Stay for another round on me." Landon says, that party-boy enthusiasm surfacing. But Erin makes quick work to shut it down.

"We've actually got to go. Thanks, though. And it was great to see you." She plasters a smile on, but quickly moves her and Jay out of there. After Landon utters a goodbye, they're out the door and into the windy parking lot.

The silence is deafening out there, and as they walk awkwardly to her car, she's not sure what to say. It feels like she should apologise for something, though she's not sure what.

"I'm sorry about that." She says awkwardly, trying a small laugh.

"No, it's cool." He returns casually. So casually in fact, it unnerves her.

Something overtakes her as she turns to him. "That didn't bother you?"

He scrunches his face a little. "Should it have?"

She screams yes in her mind. Repeatedly. It bothered her, how could it not bother him?

She feels her brow crease as she studies him. They stop walking, now just looking at one another in the parking lot.

"Do you remember who that was?"

"It's hard to forget." He scoffs, as though it was all a big joke.

"And, what? You just don't care?" She says, and it comes out cold and angry. She's just confused though.

"What's going on with you?" Jay asks, watching her with caution. She doesn't blame him - she knows she's acting crazy but she can't stop it.

"I slept with that guy. I… I got high with him, and we had sex. Repeatedly." She enunciates every word. She's trying to get a reaction out of him - because that's what she does. She hates herself for it, but it's what she does.

"Okay." Jay says, the wind carrying his voice.

"That's it? That's all you can say?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Something that shows me you might care at least a little!"

He looks taken aback, and she knows she's pushing hard. She wants to back down but she knows she's too fired up to stop now.

She rounds in on him a little, closing the distance. "He slept in the same bed you and I sleep in… He used the shower we've been in together, and-"

"Erin, stop." Jay says, so calmly that it infuriates her.

"He was the guy I was screwing when I was ignoring your calls!" She says, or virtually screams. "Why doesn't this bother you?!"

"Because I know that it wasn't you." He says rationally, looking at her with deep eyes. "You were doing what you had to to deal with Nadia dying. It was a crutch. I'm not gonna hold that against you."

"God, for once, can you just not be _that_ guy." She yells, the wind stealing the air from her lungs. "You have a right to be angry, here. So, come on! Be angry!" She pushes his chest, he stumbles back a little. "Come on, Jay!"

He grits his teeth, tenses his jaw. She's getting to him.

"You want me to be angry at you but I'm not." He tells her firmly.

"You should be!" She shouts, and all at once her eyes become glassy.

He shakes his head a little, stepping forward to take hold of her wrists to stop her pushing him. "You keep punishing yourself for it, and now you want me to, but I won't."

She feels her eyes welling up with anger and frustration. She felt guilty at even the sight of Landon's face - she wants Jay to have some kind of reaction. She thought she'd moved on from this. Maybe not.

Erin drops her head, frowns hard to stop tears from falling. "How do you do just forgive everything? How do you do that?"

Jay tries to smile. "Because I've done worse."

Anything 'worse' that he's done was long before Erin, though, and she can't help but think, again, that she doesn't deserve him. She doesn't care who he was before she met him - all she sees is the silent strength of the perfect gentleman in front of her.

She looks up and meets his eyes, the gentle look he's giving her almost turning her to stone.

"This isn't it, you know. You're always gonna discover a new part of me that you won't like." She says, thinking of the mystery that is her past and the grey area that embodies it all. Her mind wanders to every new thing he's learnt about her in the past three years, and how he's taken it all on without a second thought.

"Just try me." He whispers, the wind carrying his soft voice to her ear.

She turns and looks back at the bar, thinking about Landon sitting there. The memory of being with him - of shutting herself down - hurts too much to think about. When she turns back to Jay, she realises there's never been that with him.

"This really doesn't bother you?"

He blows out a puff of air, letting her see a tiny part of what it's done to him. He looks past her and to the bar. "Does any part of you still want that? Want him?"

"No." She breathes instantly. "No, of course not."

A smile tugs his lips as he reaches for her hand, holding it loosely in his. "Then it doesn't bother me."

She watches him with a new level of adoration she's never experienced before. She simultaneously doesn't think she's enough for him while also wants to spend the rest of her life making sure she is. She wants to protect him and grow with him and just do everything she can to make him smile.

"It's different with you." She says, earning a look of intrigue from him. "I don't just mean compared with Landon, I mean with everyone. It's… You're…" The words get stuck in her throat and fizzle into nothing. "I feel like I can finally breathe, you know? It's like I've been underwater for my entire life and now, with you, I can breathe." She thinks of Landon again, of how self-destructive and toxic it was - of how it might send any other guy apart from Jay running for the hills. "And now I really don't want to get dragged down again."

It doesn't make perfect sense but it's the only way she can explain it. Thankfully, he seems to get it.

"You won't." He steps closer, bridging the divide. "I promise."

And then she tells him something - something just for him. Something so personal and intimate it feels like no one has said those words before.

"I love you." She says. "It feels like I always have. Even when…" She looks casually behind her in Landon's general direction. She wants to convey that even when she was with him - closing her eyes so tightly when his hands gripped her body that she could pretend it was Jay - her heart was with Halstead. Maybe it always had been.

He breaks out into a smile, and it warms everything inside of her. "I loved you then, too."

She wants to carve everything he says into stone to serve as a reminder of why she adores him. She wants write his name across the sky and have it go down in history.

There's something about his words that make her truly believe it, too. There's something powerful about hearing that he loved her at a time where she didn't even like herself.

"And I love you now." He says afterwards, resting his palm against her cheeks as she melts into his touch.

She kisses his hand before reaching up to meet his lips. It's tentative but feverish, her longing evident on her lips. With her fingers extending round the nape of his neck, she holds him in place and lets her body wash over his.

She tells him she loves him over and over and over again later that night. Not just because he loves her now, but because he loved her then.

* * *

 **This was one of the hardest to keep in character but I hope it wasn't too OOC. I wanted to do something a bit different but drawing on an interesting idea. Thank you for reading!**


	20. Saving All My Love For You

**Hi there! If you're reading this, thanks for sticking with this collection! My updates have been scattered and haphazard (and scarce haha) but I'm steadily stacking up the chapters.**

 **This one is a short one for me but I just thought it'd be something good to see have happened at the end of 3x24/possibly at the beginning of 4x01. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

They lie in his bed, nothing but the sound of violent rain thrashing on the streets below. She's curled into him, feeling warm and safe and though everything might be okay for a second. But she knows it won't be. Everything is going to change and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

She swallows the lump in her throat and tries with everything she has to get Hank out of her head.

"Hey," She whispers, and it's barely audible. "Shall we get out of here? Just leave Chicago and never look back?"

"What?"

She turns to face him, observes the look of concern he has reserved for only her. He's got a hand tucked around her and it tightens a little as she looks at him, as though he's scared she's going to roll away.

"I've got nothing keeping me here. Not anymore." She reaches up her fingertips, gently traces a small part of his jaw. "Only you. And we can go anywhere."

His face is still tense, still broken a little from the events. She feels numb to it, though, and if only for tonight, wants to play pretend.

"Erin-"

"We could go to Paris." She suggests, her voice hoarse. "Or someplace warm. Hawaii…" He always did hate the cold.

He pauses for a second before indulging her. "Sangria on the beach?" He suggests with the hint of a smile, and it makes her nuzzle into him a little.

"Hmmm." She breathes. "Walking along the sand while the sun sets."

She looks at him, and she can see that picture. She can visualise him in the summer glow, freckles sparkling from the heat and his skin tanned. She can see the two of them, with only each other to lose as they fly across the world together.

The smile fades when he shatters the fantasy with a sad smile and a look of resolution.

"We have to stay, Erin."

"No, we don't." She says, a little sharper than intended. He doesn't seem phased though - he takes the blow without a reaction.

He blinks softly, leaning in. "The unit needs you. Olive needs you. And when the time's right… Voight will, too."

She moves from him completely, feeling angry and hurt by everything that the day has thrown at her. She bubbles up like a volcano and shuffles to the edge of the bed, feeling ready to blow.

"He doesn't need me. He made that very clear tonight."

Jay sits up and has a look of quiet compassion that makes her want to fulfil the fantasy and run away with him. She wants to erase everything bad from her head and have only his smile burning in her memory.

"It wasn't too long ago that that was us. Back when I thought you didn't need me either. And look how that turned out."

She feels her face tense a little. She relives that period every few days, rethinking every decision she's ever made. More often than not, she comes back to that conversation with Jay on the sidewalk, where she spewed anger at him like fire and watched him walk away.

"That was different." She says, her voice small.

Jay doesn't look so sure. "Was it?"

Anger flows through her again, another surge. She doesn't deserve to be compared with Voight right now. Maybe their actions are reminiscent and maybe they came about through similar circumstances - losing someone irreplaceable. But the worst Erin did was drink and abuse her own body to deal with the pain. What Hank had done… It was something she didn't.

Jay tries to reach for her hand, but she snatches it away as he starts talking. "He's dealing with something right now-"

"Since when are you Team Voight?" Erin growls, face contorted in frustration. "You questioned his morals every day on the job and now you're on his side? Since when?"

"Since I can understand what he's going through!" Jay blurts, matching the volume of her voice. She can't get another word in before he continues. "Ever since I heard about Justin… All I can think of is… What if it was you?"

His eyes don't leave hers in a passionate hold. "If that bullet was in you…" Jay shakes his head a little, not truly wanting to consider it. "I don't think mine and Hank's actions would be all that different."

The anger in her subsides a little. He looks as tired as she does as they fall into a deep silence. And finally, when she lets herself calm and truly breathe, she realises how much she needs him. Because if the bullet hit Jay, maybe she'd follow in Hank's footsteps, too.

She breaks down, dropping her shoulders and squinting her eyes as the tears threaten to fall. The emotions burst out of her without warning.

"I could've stopped him." She gushes, choking out the words.

As she steadily sobs, she feels Jay at her side. She tucks her head into his shoulder and feels his arms around her, weighty and strong, with just enough pressure to stabilise her.

"He won't come back from this. He can't… He can't fight his way back out."

Jay moves backwards, releasing her streaming eyes from his shoulder and instead puts them face to face. With a quick swipe he pushes back the hair from her face and runs his thumb across her cheeks to wipe at the tears.

"Don't write him off just yet." Jay whispers with steady eyes. "He won't go down without a fight."

She feels her jaw wobble as he says the words, internally knowing that this wasn't an ordinary fight and Hank wasn't going to be able to walk back into work on Monday like nothing happened. But she also knows that the place he's in means that logic and reason won't resonate with him yet. She can't break through to him.

She looks Jay in the eye and holds onto all the goodness he flashes her. He radiates honour.

"I meant it, you know." She says, the steadiest her voice has been all night. "You're the only person keeping me here. You're… You're all I have."

His smile is hollow, but makes her feel alive. "You're all I've had for a while."

In its own right, it sounds like a promise. _Don't leave. Stay. I need you._

But she needs to solidify it and make it legitimate. Because life's too short to play games and be afraid to say the things that have been burning in her mind for what feels like forever.

"I love you." She says, bringing her hand up to the back of is neck to hold him there, close enough that the rain doesn't sound so loud and the air isn't so cold. "I know I should've said it earlier. I wanted to, but-"

"I love you, too." He cuts her off, before shortly cutting off his own words as he kisses her. It's full of tension and heartache but it's what they both need right now. And as his lips leave hers, she tucks herself back into the crease of his shoulder and stays there while the rain outside thrashes and pours. She stays there while Voight is off somewhere in the darkness and Justin is now only in her memory. She stays there with the man she loves for as long as it takes to fix herself.


End file.
